I Don't Know How To Do This

Due to technical issues, I will be posting blogs back at this web address for the foreseeable future. Thank you for your patience with this.

I don't even know how to begin this blog, but I feel I want to share with you all what it is like watching a family member suffer with cancer. I am going to try and be honest, and some of what I say may startle or upset you, but this is our daily reality and many other families go through this as well.

When a family member is sick it doesn't just affect them, it is as if the cancer is being battled by the whole group. Everyday, from the time we wake up to the time we go to sleep, we are aware of, thinking of, and talking about the cancer. It infects everything you do, everything you feel, even what you say. It is the silent extra household member - the black sheep that you desperately want to leave and yet keeps hanging around. It drains our energy, saps our strength and eats away at our joy.

From the time my eyes open, and sometimes before that, I am wondering how Andrea is. Did she sleep well? Is she in pain? Will we need to visit the hospital today? Each night before I fall of to sleep I am thinking about the next day - what do I need to get done? Will someone always be in the house with her? Do we have any appointments we need to get to? I dream about giving her medication, making her room pretty, pushing her in wheelchairs.

In the crisis moments I find I function well. When she collapsed in the bathroom two days ago and was going in and out of consciousness, I was calm, focused and able to take control of the situation. It is the time in between crises that I find hardest. I can never fully relax, because what if that is the moment I am needed? You may think I am overthinking it, but the last time I went to a personal appointment was the time I was called home because of the bathroom incident. My phone never leaves my side anymore, never gets turned off or put on silent.

In the brief moments I am not thinking about Andrea, I am thinking about Luke. As her only child, my husband is taking his mum's illness hard. He already battles depression and this is sapping any strength he had to get through the days in one piece. I see him struggling to stay above water, and I have no words of encouragement to offer him. "This will get better" is crap when we know it will get worse before then. "It will be ok" means nothing in the face of his mum dying. All I have left is "I love you, I am here with you." I feel guilty that I cannot give him more than that. It breaks my heart to not see him happy and yet I know I can do nothing to make him happy in this time. Between the cancer and the depression, by the end of the day I have nothing left to give to anyone.

I don't know how to do this. I think that a lot as I try and keep everyone moving forward. A friend of mine said I was a rock for my family. I replied that I feel more like a pebble being swept down rapids. My counsellor told me I need to start getting my feelings out or I will end up no good for anyone, but the reality of my grief and pain is something I feel guilty about sharing, knowing it will make people cry, make Andrea feel like she brought this upon me, make my husband feel like he is not supporting me enough. We are all hurting, and we are hurting all the more because we know our pain hurts each other.

I try to focus on the good things. I love this time I get to look after Andrea, and wouldn't change it for the world. I am astounded by the love and generosity of her friends. I am so aware of the love of our small family unit. We couldn't do it without each other. 

But we are waiting for the axe to fall. With every other painful part of life, you can put a time frame on it - you just have to get through this few weeks and then it will all be done. We have no time frame. And the end of this road is not something we want to rush. So we wait, knowing what is coming, unable to avoid it, and unable to stop the pain. We are grieving in preparation for grief.

I don't know how to do this. But somehow we all find the strength each day to keep going. We find it in each other, in dark humour, in prayer, in friends. We still find moments of laughter and fun. We appreciate the small wins all the more. None of us know how to do this, and yet we muddle along. We may be limping, but we are still walking this road.

To my mama - I love you more than I can say. You are not a burden and you have not caused this pain. I am honoured to have you in my life and to be able to serve you in this way. 

To my husband - you are more than enough. I will love you no matter what happens. You give me strength, even when you feel so weak. I love you with all my heart.

To all our friends and supporters - sorry if we don't have enough energy to see you and to chat. Know that we are so grateful for anything and everything you do, say, send. You make this journey that much easier.

'FROM THE WELL' HAS MOVED

Please visit the link below to go to my new blog site over at christinewelten.com

http://christinewelten.com/from-the-well

Living in a Dream

I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. It is a town called Taupo in the North Island of New Zealand, and if you haven't been, you really should. All of the photos in this blog are from places I see on a daily basis on my drive to work.

Often people ask me if I mind having to commute half an hour to work (and yes, in New Zealand (apart from in Auckland) that is a long way to travel for work). I can't say that I do mind it. Every day I get an hour to relax, destress, de-work mode, pray and look at the breathtaking creation that is around me (as well as look at the road of course!

Lake Taupo is the largest in this little country of mine, and it has a personality. Some days it is dark and moody, others it is tired and weather beaten. And on yet others it looks as if it has been newly washed and sparkles in the sunlight.

It is on the shores of this moody lake that I get to live out my life at present. The changes on it's mood often reflect in the way I am thinking about life on my drive home. When it is stormy and overcast I tend to think of deep, and often dark, life crises. When it is shiny and new looking, I find myself thinking of the possibilities the future holds for me.

Today it couldn't make up its mind. It went from rainy to fine and back again and, not surprisingly, I found myself thinking about recent changes that have been occurring in my life and my perception of it. But to explain the depth of what I was thinking about we need to go back a wee way.

About 5 years ago I began to have a recurring dream. It was about a boy who I use to have a unrequited crush on. In my dream he lived next door to the house in which I grew up. Every dream would start the same, my parents and I were having a row. Not an ordinary row, but a full on screaming at each other row. I would be yelling, crying, telling them I hated them and that I was leaving the house, and I would run to my room.

Through my window in my dream I could see into the upstairs windows of this boy's house. Every time I was upset or lonely I would look out my window and he would be in his window just watching me. Even if his lights were off. It was comforting yet really really creepy and I would wake with a deeply uneasy feeling and the dream would haunt me for the rest of the day.

About a year after starting to have this dream fairly regularly, it changed. I was still rowing with my parents but now I would go round to his house to hang out with him. My parents would tell me I was forbidden from doing it and I would anyway. We would get into more arguments about that and then I would end up in my room again.

Another year later and it changed again. This time it was his mum who was forbidding us to hang out. She would kick me out of her house and we started meeting by the fence at night time so we wouldn't in trouble. Now let me explain, we weren't romantically involved in real life or my dream, it was more that we were both really lonely and needing a friend and found a common ally. But the feeling of uneasiness stayed with me every time I had the dream. I felt like a naughty teenager again who was about to get snapped for lying and sneaking out of the house. It is a feeling I don't particularly like to revisit and yet that is how I felt after every dream.

After years of these recurring dreams, last night it changed again, This time I was at home and my parents and I were talking and laughing when the boy's mum came over to see us. She was bringing up Christmas presents and she gave a particularly large and heavy one with a note on it. The note said "It's ok, you are welcome anytime." The present turned out to be a huge candle. This time I woke up feeling very at peace.

How does this relate to my drive, I hear you ask?

I was thinking about that dream on my drive home today and I was reflecting on what it all might mean. But just like the lake, I couldn't make up my mind. I went between thinking it was just a dream, thinking it had some deep hidden meaning, and thinking about panda's (you know, as you do). Then I had a little bit of an epiphany.

I wonder if my dream has been changing as I have been changing.

When my dream first started I felt very lost, unhappy with some significant relationships in my life, and alone. I wanted someone who could understand but I was uncomfortable sharing about what was going on. I thought I would be judged and misunderstood and so I only really talked to my husband and my sister about it. Recently though, I have found a deep sense of peace with the decisions I have made. Perhaps my dream reflected this sense of 'making peace' with myself.

Though dream interpretation is notorious for being wishy washy and airy fairy, there is something to be said about our subconcious reflecting what we are going through into our dreams. Or maybe I have just been dreaming about a creepy dude with a strange mother. 

Whatever the truth is, I know that living in a place of such intense beauty has really helped me to connect to myself and my feelings in a way I haven't really done before. My long drive around the lake edge focuses my mind and causes me to think about things that otherwise I would ignore. The spectacle of creation with all its glory and complexity helps my brain to look inwards and simplify. In the enormity of what God has created, I find my own significance.

All of that to say, I live in a truly gorgeous corner of the world.

The How To Guide for Destroying Yourself, Your Relationships, and Your Faith

A lot of things have been happening in my life of late but that just seems to be the norm in our household. We seem to reach a point of stability and then all hell breaks loose and we are left wondering what just hit us. I won't go into much detail, as that would be long and tedious for all involved, but I have had to repeat this little mantra of mine many times over the last month or so:

"I have Luke and I have Jesus, everything will be ok."

Now before everyone goes all theological on my ass, let me assert a couple of points.

1) if I did not have Luke I would still be ok. Distraught, but ok, because fundamentally it is Jesus who makes it all ok for me, but Luke is a nice bonus.

2) I am not saying "everything will be ok" like tomorrow will be sunny and full of fluffy bunnies, or that somehow holding on to Jesus makes my life stress free. But in the long run, even if something kills me, I believe that it will all be ok. Big picture stuff.

So back to my mantra. It keeps me sane knowing that I have a Saviour who loves me and a husband who adores me. It makes even hard things easier to deal with when I know that I have two amazing people to cry to and lean on. Doesn't make it fun though. Still sucks going through some stuff, especially when you see it hurting your partner.

Which is how I get to the title of my post:

The How To Guide for Destroying Yourself, Your Relationships, and Your Faith.

Oh yeah, I am a ray of sunshine today. Bear with me though, I do have a point aside from nihilistic wallowing.

I am a huge believer in confessing deep dark secrets in order to turn the light on them and sort them out. I have done it many times for many reasons and the response I usually receive is humbling, honest, supportive and loving. By being honest I have often given implicit permission to others to be honest also.

This is me being honest - gut churningly honest, this is not easy for me to admit to.

Most of you will know by now my issues with food. I can't hide my issues like some people do, I literally wear them. I have a fat suit that I have to wear everyday, look at everyday, deal with everyday. I have to acknowledge my limitations when I can't go as far or fast as others. I feel the pain in my joints when I walk. I find it hard to roll over in bed and have to wear a mask to breathe when I sleep.

I hate my issues. I hate that I have done this to myself.

But it doesn't stop me....and this is where my story starts.

I emotionally eat, so after the last few weeks I have been weaker in the self-control department. One morning I was talking to Luke about getting myself a coffee on the way to work. "Just a coffee" he said (because he knew where my head was at, not because he is a controlling deuche bag). "Of course babe, I wouldn't buy more." I said this BELIEVING that I wouldn't, DETERMINED I wouldn't.

1 hour later I was feeling sick from a binge on energy drinks and sweet treats. I felt guilty, ashamed, humiliated, angry....I hated myself then.

Then I went into bargaining mode with myself:

"It doesn't matter, know one will know"

"What about Luke?"

"He doesn't need to know, it will only upset him."

"But it's Luke, I tell him everything."

"He will be so angry [which he wouldn't] and would hate you [which he didn't] so don't tell him."

"But I feel like I am lying to him."

"It's only lying if he asks."

"What if he asks?"

Then I went into bargaining mode with Jesus:

"Look, I know I was stupid but please make it so that Luke doesn't ask because it would hurt him and hurt our relationship and you don't wanna do that to us do you?"

"I love you"

"Yeah yeah but could you just do this for me."

"Still love you"

I stressed about it all day. Worrying about Luke asking and catastrophizing it in my head. On the way home I kept praying that he wouldn't ask, don't make me admit to this to him.

(NOTE: as weight has been an issue for me and hiding food and binge eating have been real issues, hiding this from Luke is a problem. Not a little problem as some may think it is, but a real problem. You need to know the history to get it).

Luke asked.

He had to ask three times before I told him the extent of it.

The hurt in his eyes that I lied, the pain for me, and disappointment for all the work I had undone...all of these things crushed me. And I realised in that moment that you don't have to cheat or steal or physically hurt someone to ruin a relationship.

You just need to put something above your love for the other and your love for God.

It could be anything. For me it is food. It is an idol. I ruin my health, my relationships, my relationship with God over it. I would rather kill what has been given to me than to give up food. 

We all have that something that we love that is really destroying us. 

It might be something as obvious as drugs, alcohol, or cheating.

Or food.

Or maybe it is something more secretive like self-harming, picking at our skin, watching porn (or Geordie Shore *shudder*), reading romance novels at the expense of our marriages....I don't know but you do.

You, reading this, right now, have something that you know you can't control, don't want to control. It may even be your desire to control everything that is out of control!!!

Let me tell you this now:

It doesn't matter how trivial it may seem to the world.

It doesn't matter whether anyone else knows about it.

What matters is that it is controlling you.

It is causing you to hide it, lie about it, indulge in it, and it is destroying you.

Because you are not free until you give this up. You will never be free until it is gone. And when it is, when you don't have to hide anymore, your relationships and your faith will grow exponentially.

What would your life be like with this thing out of it?

What would it take to make that happen?

And are you prepared to do it?

The Empty Car Seat (a poem for Zethan)

It sits in a cupboard
A capsule that encapsulates the overwhelming joy
The devastating sorrow.
A seat that will never be sat in,
Echoing the loneliness of the arms that remain empty.
A mocking injustice
That a cold box will hold what this plush chair should have cradled.
It did not have the opportunity to act out that which it was made for.
It will not comfort, protect or be that which in essence it is.
Just as parents are parents,
Whether physically or not,
This car seat will always be the seat intended to hold the most precious cargo,
And yet never managed to do so.

To be that which you are,
And yet that which you cannot be,
Is the ultimate betrayal of death to life.
Love, the enormity of which can only be measured
By the immenseness of grief,
Cannot change what it is,
Can only scream wordlessly into the night with moans from the very soul.
Yet, the graciousness of the cross is that, even within death
There is life.
There is hope.
Arms that ache to hold and love,
Will one day embrace and be filled.
A face that was known for only a moment
Will be celebrated for eternity.
Parents who are yet to be parents, will,
Through the miracle of new life,
Find a meeting of hearts, a recognition of love.
A chair sits empty in a cupboard,
"Not yet," it whispers,
"But soon."

Jesus is NOT all I need

One year has ended and another has begun. For many people, a new year signifies new life, new hope, new dreams and goals. For others it is a reminder of things now gone, loves lost, and the struggle that is awaiting them.

For me this new year feels different from others. My birthday is new years eve and usually this means that there is fun, presents, and all the good stuff of birthday's, as well as the joy of being on holiday and also getting to celebrate the turn of the year with everyone on the same day. It is usually a great time.

This year, not so much. Not because anything really changed around me - I still got presents and all that - but because I feel different about it. Maybe it was because I was working for the first time ever on my birthday and now also on New Years Day. Maybe that made it feel just like another day rather than anything special like years past.

Or maybe it was because I am now in my 30's. Last year I turned 30, which is always a big celebration, but this year I am 31. No big celebration around that, I have just officially become a 30-something year old. This has triggered a small emotional crisis for me for several reasons:

1. I am in my 30's but my husband is still under 25. Now we have different numbers at the start of our ages it seems like such a bigger age gap than before. I feel like telling people our ages now will get even more of a reaction than it has before.

2. I still feel 24! Maybe it is because I am at the same level as my hubby, but I feel his age rather than mine. The fact that I also became sober around 23/24 after drinking since 15 means that I have developed slower emotionally than others my age - this is a proven thing that happens to addicts - and the fact that for many years I was mentally unwell means that I feel those years are missing and in my memories I am much younger than I feel. Or maybe everyone feels this way when they get older...who knows!

3. For some reason leading up to 30 feels like you are still growing up. Birthdays are still exciting and  you are still considered young. Now it feels like birthdays are less about growing up and more about getting older. Maybe popular culture has sold me the idea that it is all down hill after 30, because now it feels like it is all downhill from here.

4. I don't feel like I have accomplished as much as others my age. I have a friend who I have known for pretty much all my life. She is a trained lawyer, has a house, several investment properties, a husband, 2 kids, and a dog. I have a husband......and that is it. I am not in the job I trained for, have no kids, don't own a house, etc. Though I know I shouldn't compare my life to others - as I have gone through things that she hasn't and vice versa - it makes me feel like I should've done more.

Perhaps these are common things for people to feel as they get older, and I certainly hope I am not the only one who feels this way! Or maybe the year Luke and I have had has put me in a melancholic mood. 

We have had a tough year emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. We have moved cities, jobs, houses, churches. We have been in traffic accidents, faced the mortality of loved ones, struggled with our own health issues, and tried to understand God in the midst of suffering. It has been the toughest year we have faced as a couple, and we are both glad that it is over and a New Year has begun.

In the midst of all of what we have been going through, one thought has been playing around in my mind. It was spawned by listening to a Christian radio station and hearing so many songs about how Jesus is all I need. The songs basically all say, no matter what, no matter how crappy life is, Jesus is really all we need, ever.

Though these sentiments are probably helpful for many people, I find them somewhat difficult. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life but not even he said that he is the only thing we ever need. He said we cannot live on bread alone, but need the Word of God, and that he is the Water of Life and those who drink from him will never be thirsty, but did he mean that he was all we need for every situation?

I would argue that no, he is not. Because Jesus himself commanded us to love God with all our heart, mind and strength, and to love others as we love ourselves. Jesus can't be all we need because we are made to be in relationship with others. You can have a great relationship with Jesus and he can be your solace in times of pain, but without other people you are still lonely. You are not being fully human to only rely on Jesus for all your emotional needs.

God created us to be together. Even when he created Adam, who was in perfect relationship with God and walked and talked with God, God saw that humans should not be alone. It is only in relationship with others and with God that we are complete. Yes, these relationships are distorted in a fallen creation, and yes, these relationships can draw us away from God if we let them, but they can also bring us closer to God through our love for others and their love for us.

If we begin to face hard times with the belief that Jesus is all we need, then we do ourselves and others a disservice. We do not allow others to minister to us, to show Jesus to us in our hurt, and we also do not allow others to see God at work in our weakness. By blocking out others as something we need, then we block out an aspect of God at work in our lives also. Faith then becomes about the individual and not about the church; about how I feel about God, and not about the witness of others; about my personal relationship with Jesus at the expense of vulnerability and humility in our communities.

I have had a tough year, and I am going through an emotional crisis, but it is my relationship with others and with God that helps me get through these things. It is in my dark moments, when I am incapable of feeling the love of Christ because of my pain, that it is the love of others that ministers to me. It is through their words, their actions, and their care of me that I see and hear God. It is also when they tell me off or tell me I am not listening to God properly because of my pain that I realise that God himself is speaking to me. As iron sharpens iron, so the members of the church sharpen each other. 

So next time you are thinking God is all you need, look at what God says about that. Love one another as Christ loved the church. Lay down your life for each other, carry each others burdens, feel each others pain, and minister to the weak, wounded and hurting around you, and let others do the same for you. We are the bride of Christ and need each other just as much as we need our Saviour.

Jesus and the church are what I need.

Haters Gonna Hate (or Disposable Relationships)

My husband is 7 years younger than me. While this doesn't seem like much at first, when you realise that the same year I got married for the first time (at age 19) he was in intermediate, suddenly the age gap becomes very very large!

One aspect of this age gap is that, in this rapidly changing world, he grew up with technology that I was only discovering in my late teens/early adult years. This means that, despite having done my Masters thesis on video gaming, I am constantly hopelessly behind him when it comes to understanding technological trends of youth. I know I sound ancient right now, but it is true, and he laughs at me all the time about it (I would like to remind you all that I am only 30, but technology is developing so fast that having grown up with it as second nature gives you a distinct advantage).

But one trend I am on top of (yay me!!) is this overwhelming belief that relationships that don't work should just be ditched. This trend is particularly popular through quotes on facebook.

By and large these quotes - of which I have chosen a few of the lest offensive to display - are basically stating that if you have ever hurt me, insulted me, misunderstood me, made me angry, broken my trust, or any other infraction on our relationship be you a friend, a partner, or anyone except my children (who are always completely above reproach) then expect me to pull the finger and walk away whistling with no regrets for ending our relationship.

As someone who has divorced a husband and hasn't had contact with her parents for 5 years, I understand what letting go of relationships is all about. I understand walking away from destructive and hurtful situations, and I really do not hold anything against anyone who chooses to do so.

BUT....

I would never ever ever say that I have no regrets, that it was simple, or that these people have been dropped because they didn't treat me the way I deserved.

I do regret things. Every relationship breaks down because of things both sides have done. No one 
person is ever 100% in the wrong. There are always two sides to a story. I regret hurting people I care about, I regret not trying harder at times. I regret not speaking up sooner when I first noticed problems.

And it hurts. It hurt then and it hurts now. Though I am happily married to someone else, my divorce still cuts deep. It is a sadness in my very soul for the two people that we were and what we were able to do to each other. It is a grief for two young people, children really, that thought they could face anything together. It is a sadness for the loss of innocence and of love. It is mourning for family moments not shared and sadness over ones that were shared but went so wrong. There is anger there too and shame.

Would I choose differently now?No, I believe I acted in the best interests of everybody, but it wasn't because somehow these people were just haters who hurt me once, or even people that I was sick of.

Because relationships, even the difficult ones, are not disposable.

In a culture that moves so quickly on to the next thing, we have begun to treat our relationships the same way. Just as we line up for the newest iPhone when our old one is still working just fine, so too do we start moving on to the next relationship before we have even given our current one time to heal and to grow.

People hurt each other. There is no relationship you will ever have were you won't be hurt. My mother-in-law use to tell me that hubby would never hurt me, until one day I told her that that simply wasn't true. He would, already had in some ways (though not marriage destroying ways) and that it was OK because relationship is about forgiveness, trying to find solutions and working through tough issues. Otherwise it isn't a relationship!

If you are looking for family, friends, partners that will never hurt you then you are going to be disappointed. It is how we respond to pain and to hurt that defines our relationship. Flipping the finger and walking out anytime something bad happens merely shows how little you valued the relationship in the first place. It says more about you than about the other person. It takes time to work stuff out, sometimes years, but love is about the long haul despite the pain involved.

Jesus is the perfect example of this relational dedication. For three years he hung out with the same group of 12 mates. In particular he was ultra close to Peter. They were close in a way that makes me think of my husband and his best friend Kent. They are like brothers from another mother. Close in a way that makes me envious of what they have. At times they tell each other off but they are always there for each other for any reason, day or night.

Jesus and Peter live together, eat together, share every day together. They are close. And yet when 
Jesus is arrested Peter runs away and then, out of fear of being arrested himself, denies he ever knew the man.

Jesus reacts in a way that we should try to emulate. He forgives Peter. He returns to him after he is resurrected and embraces him. Peter then goes on to be the founding leader of the Christian church, which 2000+ years is still going strong.

Instead of reacting out of anger (which he would have been entitled to do!), despite facing torture and death alone and betrayed, Jesus shows grace and understanding. There was nothing but love and mercy for his friend. Perhaps as we meditate on Jesus this Christmas season we should ask for his grace to forgive and love those who have hurt us, and the opportunity to heal relationships that have been damaged.

May forgiveness be our focus this Christmas.

Note: If you are in a relationship that is abusive in any way - mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally - then remove yourself from this. Forgiveness and reconciliation can happen at a distance, but the priority is your safety while you walk that journey. There are some things that we can confront head on, and others were we need the space and safety first. Please see my blog on forgiving family for more conversation around this.

Trudging when you want to Fly

I have this amazing friend who I love a lot. She and I are very similar in some ways and in others are completely the opposite. We use to live next door to each other and would see each other all the time for coffee and catch ups, but now we are in different cities and I miss seeing her and being able to chew the fat.

She is an incredibly talented and passionate woman, but she suffers from a debilitating illness. It is one of those illnesses that doesn't show on the outside so often people don't realise that is just a struggle for her to get out of bed some days. If she does make it out of bed, that is an epic win! But she doesn't feel like that. She feels like she is trudging when all she wants to do is fly.

Her and I were talking about it about it last night, and I really feel like I know where she is coming from. I too feel like I am just doing the daily trudge at the moment. Though I do not have an illness as severe as hers, I do get migraines that throw out my plans. I have to watch how much I do, how often I rest, and when I take my medication. I feel like my life is dictated by me head.

I also know how she is feeling when she asks me what God has planned for her and how it is possible. I sometimes feel like I have done all this study and research and now I am not using it or working in the field I am most passionate. I feel like I just live from day to day waiting for the opportunity to do something else, something more.

Our experience of church is very much dictated by our experiences of life; we both find it a struggle to go to church. We find it hard to do small talk with people who don't really know how we are struggling silently. We find the music often contrite and dishonest to how we are feeling. We can find the sermons boring and/or rip them apart mentally due to our theological training. So we tend to avoid church, or go very unwillingly.

We are trudging, but oh how we want to fly.

During these times it is the story of Joseph that really sustains me. If you know the story, fell free to let your mind wander as I summarize it for those who do not.

Joseph was the second youngest of 12 brothers. Though usually the eldest brother was the most loved, the most favoured, but Joseph, the first child of two children from the favourite wife of Jacob, was the most loved by his father. We was doted on and, frankly, was a little spoiled and outspoken to boot. He annoyed his brothers by telling the of dreams he had where his whole family would bow down to him. In a fit of rage, the brothers took Joseph, intending to kill him. Instead, they sold him to slavers that then took the young boy to Egypt to sell. He was sold to Potiphar, an important man, and he worked hard to please his master. However, his master's wife took a little too much of a liking to him and, when he didn't reciprocate, falsely accused Joseph of rape. Joseph languished in prison for 14 years, working hard and earning the respect of the guards of the prison in the process. When fate brought two men of Pharaoh's household to the prison, Joseph was given the opportunity to interpret their dreams and, in the process, asked them to remember him to Pharaoh. The dreams came to pass as he said, with one man being killed and the other being reinstated in his former position. It was another two years before Pharaoh had a dream and the reinstated man remembered his promise to Joseph. He told Pharaoh about the now fully grown man, and Joseph was released to interpret the Pharaoh's dream. He did so correctly, thorugh the Spirit of God, and was made second only to Pharaoh in all of Egypt. Eventually a famine struck the land for 7 years and Joseph's brothers were needing food. They went to Egypt to ask for grain from Joseph, who had been preparing for the famine for years after being warned in Paroah's dream. It was then that the dreams of seeing his family bow before him were fulfilled. Joseph forgave his brothers and brought his whole family to Egypt and died an important, wealthy and loved man.

That was a very brief explanation of the story. If you want more look it up in Genesis and have a read. It is worth it.

Anyway, back to my point.

It was 16 years before Joseph was set free. He didn't know if he would ever get out of prison alive. He didn't know what the plan was or how God would get him out of it all. He had a terrible experience as a child and now he was locked away for something he didn't do.

If I was Joseph I would have despaired. There seemed to be no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel, no justice.

Even though the story doesn't end that way, it is this part I want to focus on. The part where for 16 years Joseph trudged through everyday in prison.

He had dreamed he could fly, and was made to trudge with no end insight.

But it was he did in prison that impresses me so much. He worked so hard and so faithfully that the head of the prison made him his right hand man. He was put in charge of other prisoners and earned the respect of both them and the people paid to keep him locked up. He didn't give up, he just found another way to serve God.

This challenges me. So often I ask God what his plan is for my life and when will it come to fruition. But really, all God calls us to is to live faithfully in loving him and loving others where ever we find ourselves. 

Whether we are trudging or flying, our purpose is the same. Whether we feel defeated or elated, our response to God and to others is meant to be the same. We are meant to live faithfully in love. Maybe our circumstances will change, maybe they won't, but that should not determine how we live or what God is asking from us.

We may feel like we are trudging, but it is living out our faith in Jesus that brings us to flight, whether we feel it or not.

Remember that it is the sacrifice and love of God that makes us fly, not what we do or where we are headed. We may feel like we are in a prison and that we will be in it for life, but it is how we live and how we respond to God that will define us.

I look back at the last ten years of my life and see how far I have come, even though most of it has felt like one long trudging slog. I remember that this time a decade ago I was in an abusive marriage, was alcohol dependent, was in and out of psych wards and suicidal. Today, I am loved, happy, healed, and 7 years sober. It was a long hard walk, but I am flying, whether I feel it today or not. God's work in our lives is not dependent on our feeling it. However, it is our hope in God that keeps us going everyday.

You may continue to trudge, but remember that it is our hope that makes us fly.

Ambitious Christianity

This week I said goodbye to my mentor and friend, Dr. Rod Thompson. After 12 years in this fine country, and 5 as principal of Laidlaw College, Rod and his lovely wife Rosie are heading back over the ditch to Sydney to start a new chapter in their lives.

I have been privileged enough to call this man my friend. He has been an unwavering support to me as I have struggled and fought my way through the past years. He was always there to turn to, to seek advise from, and to be admonished by (when necessary). In many ways Rod and Rosie have been surrogate parents to me over the last five years and I will miss them terribly.

I was fortunate enough to get two precious days with them before they headed Sydney-side. They are extremely busy people yet they still made time to come spend a weekend with us (and spoil us rotten in the process) and I basked in the moments I had to absorb Rod's wisdom...who knows when the next time will be.

One of the things I have always admired about Rod is his unassuming manner. He never makes you feel like he has accomplished more than you (though he has), that he is better than you at theology (though he is), or that he wants anything more than to share in your triumphs and your suffering (which he does). He and Rosie are two of the most loving people I have ever met.

So how does a man who appears to place no value in position ever get to be the principal of New Zealand's foremost Christian theological college? How does someone who appears to have no ambition climb the ladder so high?

Before I answer that question, let me deviate for a moment and turn back to what this whole blog is essentially about.....me!

I am a very competitive person. I may hide it well behind jokes and laughter, but I have always been out to win, be the best, take no prisoners.

There are people who won't play board games with me anymore because I can get....let's say a little enthusiastic. It's also why I don't like team sports much; I always hated having to rely on other people to win.

This competitiveness also drives my ambition. It is why I started my own business at 30 rather than going on a benefit when I had no work. It is what drove me to finish my Masters thesis (and what made me cry when I didn't get the mark I wanted). It is what keeps me motivated when it seems all my dreams will take years to accomplish.

But I have always felt that ambition is largely looked down upon within church circles. It is OK to be ambitious, as long as you don't bring it to church. If you say you want to be the best preacher, best song writer, best pastor, then people look away almost embarrassed.

I asked Rod about it this weekend. I asked him if it was wrong to be an ambitious Christian. Was it wrong to want something and to strive for it? Was it bad to want to be the best at something?

I was expecting him to say "yes, it is bad." Instead, he once again blew my mind.

"No," said Rod, "as long as it is not ambition for ambition sake."

What he was saying was that I had to check my motives. Why did I want to be the best? Was it because I needed other's approval? Was it because I wanted to lord it over other people? Was it so I could check the boxes and mentally congratulate myself?

Or was it because I was trying to do the best with what had been given me?

I know what it is to not be able to do what I wish I could. I know what it is to have my mind not work well enough to do anything.

So now, I really really want to do the best with what I received back. I want to honour God by doing the best that I absolutely can.

I don't care if I get rich along the way. I don't care if other people like what I do. I don't even care if I make it to my goals.....well, maybe I care about that.

But I do care about being lukewarm, so half-hearted and humdrum. I care about what I will say when I meet my maker and have to give account for my life. I want to say that I did my best, I tried my hardest, I didn't give an inch, and I worked towards the dreams that I placed before my God.

I believe that Rod got the jobs that he did because he always placed God first and did his best to bring glory to his Creator. He tried hard with what had been given to him because that is the only response to a grace that gives freely. It is the only response in the face of a world where so many people do not get the opportunities we do. The only response to overwhelming love is to love with everything we have.

If that is ambition, then I am ambitious.

And I am OK with that.

How far is too far?

It seems like every time I write a blog post there is something new and exciting happening in the world of Christine and hubby. This month's instalment is that I have started my own business (Check out The Admin Company on FB or go over and look at www.theadmincompany.co.nz).

I have been loving this process. I am excited by the prospect of working for myself, of doing something I enjoy, of picking my own work etc. It has been a ride opening the business, making a logo, getting the company registered, and promoting myself.

But there is a really hard side to this that, though I knew about it, I didn't think it would be as hard as it is.

It takes time.

It takes time to build your brand reputation.

It takes time to get a customer base.

It takes time to get the word out there.

And time is money. It really is in this case. Because I work for myself now if I don't make money then my bills don't get paid.

This has meant that hubby and I are down to the wire with our money for rent and food. I can't get a business loan as I have nothing to secure it against. I don't want a loan shark loan. I am trying to raise funds on a funding website (check that out here) and I have looked into any help that can be offered by the government, but all to no avail.

This means that I am still looking (never really stopped) for any type of employment, even if it means I have to run my business in the evenings or weekends until it is economically viable.

But from a faith point of view this whole thing has been a roller coaster.

When my contract job finished 3 weeks ago, Luke and I both felt very strongly that God was telling us we would be ok. But job application after job application kept getting rejected. 

As I started my business I felt God very much behind it. But so far nothing has happened with it.

Luke did look at work, but we both were overwhelmed by God telling us that Luke needed to focus on his music, a career that has no income at the moment. This seems like pure madness to us but we both feel so strong that this is the right path for Luke, and we can't ignore it.

And now we have 1 week of money left and then we are really up the proverbial river with out a paddle.

Stress has now kicked in. I can be reduced to tears in a heart beat because I feel so overwhelmed. Though I keep telling myself that today we are ok, today we have a house and food, I still panic about the future.

And yet, the question "How far do you trust Jesus?" keeps resonating in both our heads.

Do we trust Jesus only until life gets hard and then give up?

Do we trust what we know God is saying to us, until we can't handle the stress and then do the opposite?

Do we trust God to provide as promised, until we don't want to lose our house and then do it our way?

Or do we keep trusting, even if we lose the house, even if we end up with no job, no home, and no way of paying for food?

Do we trust God even though it is hard and we don't like it?

Even though this situation is hard and frankly a lot of what we feel God is saying doesn't make sense to us on a financial scale, we both feel an underlying peace with what we have chosen. We both know it makes no sense to others around us, or even ourselves, but there is this sense of peace that somehow we will be ok. 

Our instinct is to do it our way, to run the show and to ignore what we feel to be right. 

But how far is too far when it comes to trusting Jesus?

The Heart Is Fickle (or Why living by feelings alone is stupid)

I have been noticing a worrying trend growing in Western culture.


It is the idea that we should do what we feel is right, that we should love who we feel we love, and we should follow our feelings in everything we do in life.


I call it "Attack of the Feels" and frankly, it terrifies me.


It may not seem that big of a deal to you, but then you would be feeling that it is ok to do what you feel, rather than using your logic to work this scenario out to its fullest extent.


Before we do that though (and yes, by the end of this I am hoping you will be as scared of feels as I am) let me look at some examples that are currently bombarding our news stories, facebooks, twitters, and all the other media out there (including blogs...woah, inception moment..)


The most obvious one is the "you can't help who you love" argument behind legalising gay marriage etc. (and again I must iterate that I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBE, nor do I think it is wrong that there is a secular understanding of marriage that is open to all people, I just don't think that it is in line with Christian teachings, but I have written other blogs about this so lets all just hold hands, sing Kumbayah and not hate on anyone for thinking differently ok?)


I understand what people are trying to say when they argue "you can't help who you love." They are saying that love is an overwhelming feeling that can hit you right between the eyes, and who does anybody think they are to allow some people the right to feel that and deny it to others?


I get that. Love IS powerful and overwhelming and it does hit people in different ways.


BUT, and here is where it gets tricky, let's follow that line of thinking down the track a wee ways.


This is the same argument that NMBLA uses. NMBLA stands for the National Man-Boy Love Association. It argues for peadophilia being legalised. It is a real thing. They argue that peadophiles can't help who they love - namely, small children - and seeing as paedophilia use to be accepted in ancient Greece and Rome, surely it isn't that bad. Scary thing, this is very similar to arguments used in pro-Gay debates.


The same arguments are also used for polygamous and polyamourous relationships, incest relationships, and even bestiality (the research on this depressed me no end).


THE ISSUE HERE is if you allow this argument for one lot of people, how can it be denied to another? According to some stats, there are more paedophiles per population than there are homosexuals, so are they not allowed a voice? But even if we discount them because it is involving children (just remember the legal age of consent in some countries is twelve, so they are not considered children) are we prepared to permit polygamous relationships? What about marrying yourself (which in some places is legal), does that mean you can apply for benefits for married couples? Where does that leave religious institutions who refuse to marry people in this way? Persecution? Do we open this up to so many different understandings of love that the meaning of what a relationship is completely disappears?


If it is all about how someone 'feels' the laws become open to debate by anyone who feels differently. There is no stability, no way to maintain any law or standard that keeps the understanding of relationships and family in such a way that structures like benefits, legal adoption/guardianship etc make sense.


Another Attack of the Feels is that to do with gender. I recently wrote a blog on this, so I won't go into too much depth, but being able to question your gender because you feel differently than what you are, would not long ago have got you psychiatric help. Now it is seen as a right that anyone has to change their gender and sexual idenitity.


Again, let's follow this through. That means nationality and race come up for question as well. If I feel I am a black man, how is it ok for me to change my gender but not my race? I may identify with black people more than white, and it is about what I feel isn't it? Because if it is not, then what grounds do I have to change my gender?


Religion is also becoming more and more about feels and less about truth. If I tell someone I am a Christian, well that's ok because I am allowed to feel that there is a God and I feel that Jesus was telling the truth. But if I try and tell someone that it is the Truth and that I can intelligently explain why, then that's not cool because how dare I push my faith on someone else when they don't feel that way.


If we follow that to it's logical end, then we will get to a place where there is nothing that is true, no one can claim an objective truth in anything. No law, no court, no statement can be believed as the Truth. No teacher can tell their students that something is true, because what classifies it as true? History? But history is open for interpretation and can be understood differently depending n your race, gender, creed etc. And if we have none of those anymore, then how are we to understand history? And if we cannot trust history, then we cannot trust that it can teach us anything.


So the deeper we get into living off feelings the more and more we HAVE to as we have nothing left to base anything on anymore.


There are many more examples, but just using these three a picture begins to emerge.


It is a picture that is distorted and confused, with no grounding on what is true and right and good.


There is no point to marriage because if I wake up feeling differently one day, the marriage should end ("I love him, I am just not IN love with him"). There is no commitment or loyalty as feelings are fickle and don't work like that.


There is no point in working as if I ever wake up feeling like I don't like my job (everyday...) then I will quit, because again, there is no sense of permanence, loyalty, stick-to-it-ive-ness.


There is no point in families, because even the word family has become so distorted and confused no one knows what it means anymore.


We are left with children who grow up not knowing truth or where to find it.


They will have no understanding of loyalty, permanence, relationships.


They will not understand sex, gender, or sexuality as it will be so fluid that being called a boy or a girl will mean nothing.


They will not understand what it means to be wrong, to be told, "no, you can't do that" or that something is false. None of those words will have any depth or conviction behind them.


Our children will grow into a world that can offer them nothing more permanent than how they feel each minute of everyday.


And what kind of world will children like that build?


God help us all.

Abortion and Sex Changes - A Feminist Issue?

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written one of these. My bad. I hope there are still some readers out there and I haven't been forgotten lol.

Today I am going to tackle a subject that will no doubt ruffle a few feathers, cause a few arguments, and generally put my fine ass on the line.

But I have to write about it. I wouldn't be me if I could stay quiet about such things.

What I want to talk about is the female reproductive system; namely the uterus and the vagina.

Firstly, the uterus.

What a wonderful amazing gift the uterus is. Despite once a month hating the very existence of mine and wishing I could chop it out, it is a wonderful thing.

Why?

Because it nurtures and brings forth life.

Just think about the amazingness of that for a moment.

If you are a woman, the ability to make children (even if you choose not to) is a wonderful amazing gift. For those who can't have children, the fact that it doesn't work can be devastating. It can bring into question your very womanhood.

This ability to nurture and grow life sets us apart from men in a way no other thing really can. You can take hormones to grow boobs, you can get a vagina made, but you can't create a working uterus. It is unique and precious.

It's very design is formed to cradle a baby in a way that keeps it safe, warm and fed.

So abortion really grinds my gears, as it is a invasion and desecration of something amazingly beautiful and precious.

The topic of abortion is one that is really difficult to address publically if you are not pro-choice (NB: pro-choice means you want women to have the right to choose whether to keep the baby or not; pro-life means you believe that every baby conceived should be given the chance to live). The pro-choicers are loud and aggressive and we pro-lifers are often shouted down. We are called bigoted, anti-feminist, and basically terrible people.

Apparently abortion is a feminist issue in that women should be given the right to choose what to do with their bodies. I would argue it is a feminist issue for a very different reason:

If a woman's body is created to bring forth life when insemination happens during sex, then if you consent to have sex, you are consenting to whatever the consequences of sex are. To put it in a way people may understand, if I consent to eat heaps of chocolate, I also consent to the fact that I may get very fat. You can't have one without being prepared to deal with the other.

So when women have sex, knowing that they could get pregnant, even when using protection, then they are letting their bodies work the way they were intended to. To then let a person stick foreign objects into you in order to stop the body doing what it should is an invasion not only of the foetus' body, not only of your uterus, but of your very womanhood.

It is ripping away from your body the right to do what a woman's body should do.

It is a feminist issue because woman's bodies should be given the opportunity to do what they were made to do. When a woman's body is artificially stopped from completing what it naturally does, then it is a feminist issue. It is a feminist issue as it speaks to the right of the woman's body to work properly. It is a feminist issue as it speaks to the equal right every human has to live in freedom without being hurt, and the baby is having that taken away from them.

The argument that abortion is a woman's choice because it is her body is also suspect. A foetus is genetically different from a mother as soon as it is conceived, so it isn't your body you are messing with, but the body of someone completely different from you.

Feminists are meant to stand for equality for all people. This must, it just has to, include everyone who you can differentiate from yourself. THAT INCLUDES UNBORN CHILDREN. To argue otherwise is to undermine exactly what feminism is meant to fight for.

And speaking of feminist issues:

Recently Bruce Jenner has been all over the news for getting sexual reassignment surgery. Apparently he is becoming a woman.

And that last sentence annoys me more than anything else I can think of right at this moment (ok....child abuse, poverty, slavery, sex trade.....there are many more things that piss me off more than this but just work with me here).

The reason that this annoys me is that NO MAN CAN BECOME A WOMAN.

"But wait," I hear you cry, "he is having hormones to grow boobs, and is making his penis into a vagina. Surely he is a woman."

NO!

Vagina does not maketh the woman.

Whether my innie is and outie or vice versa does not actually make me a woman or a man. Because outward appearance does not equal gender.

For example, if hubby lost his genitalia in some freak accident (much easier to use a guy in this example, can't think of an accident that could happen where I would loose my genitalia), I would not think he was less of man. He may feel like he is, but he wouldn't be. He would still be a man, my man. Because he isn't a man simply because he has his junk all in tact.

Let me do some basic genetics with you.

Inside every cell on every person is a nucleus. And inside that nucleus is our DNA. Our DNA is like the code that makes us look the way we do. This code is called our genome or genotype. The outward appearance of the genotype is called the phenotype.

The phenotype, or outward appearance of a person, is caused by a combination of their genotype and their environment. Your environment can have an impact on how you look. You can change your face and body through surgery and this means that your phenotype has changed, but your genotype is always the same.

In other words, it doesn't matter if you chop your bits off and make new bits, your genetics will still state that you are a man or a woman. If you spill blood at a crime scene, it doesn't matter if you dress like a woman, the blood will say that you are a man.

So Bruce Jenner will still be Bruce, even if he changes to Barbara.

And as a woman, having a man claim that they are woman kinda annoys me. No man can know what it is to be a woman. They don't understand periods. They don't know what it is to be inside a woman's head. They don't face our challenges or triumphs. And the same is true of a woman becoming a man.

Sex changes are a feminist issue as it is the uniqueness of women that is to be celebrated. It is our challenges that we fight for. To have someone simply pick up our gender and state they are who we are is a slap in the face for every woman out there. It is saying that what we are is like a new outfit that can be picked up and dropped at will. It refuses to recognise that there is something deep within us that cannot be copied or surgically inserted.

Being a woman is far more than looking like a woman.

(Disclaimer: I do not hate cross-gender people. I understand that there is something much bigger going on for these people than I understand. I also do not hate those who have had or will have abortions. I know people who have had them. I have studied what happens and the other options out there when I was teaching young girls about sex. I just think we need to think bigger than 'me' and 'my body'. I have also avoided religious arguments as I know not everyone has the same standards as Christianity does. But as a side note, I believe ALL life is precious, from conception to death. I also believe that we are created by a God who knew who and what we should be: to mess with that is to mess with a Divine creation).



Will we now abuse the abuser?

Hubby and I finally managed to get our act together and have officially moved cities. After an eventful move that included our truck tipping over on the motorway and our car getting stolen, we arrived in one place, found jobs, bought a new car, and have got ourselves a house. All that is left is the final unpack, buying a kitten or two (because...KITTENS), and finally sitting in our own home with a nice cold glass of something and curling up into the foetal position until the next time someone

needs us.

I have moved many times before, including moving cities on four separate occasions, so I thought I knew how this all went, and wasn't too worried about anything going wrong. 

Boy, was I wrong on that!

Everything that could possibly go wrong did. Though no one got hurt, the mental and emotional stress that we have been under is insane. Today, after we signed the contract for our house, both of us immediately felt exhausted. We had done it, but it had been a hard road.

God is good though, and through it all we have been blessed.

We have been blessed by the fact that we could stay with our parents and store our stuff for free in their garage while we sorted life out.

We have been blessed by the help we have received from family and friends in moving and through prayer and love.

We have been blessed that it really didn't take as long as we thought it would to get settled here.

Everyone, including ourselves, had predicted that it could take months to find jobs in a small town, and those jobs would probably pay a lot less than our jobs in the big smoke did. But this has not been the case. Both of us found jobs within a week of moving down and both jobs are at better pay than what we had previously!! In our minds this fact cemented that we are doing the right thing.

I am working now at a charitable trust for Maori. I process grants which help encourage the health and education of the local iwi/tribe. Though i may sit behind a desk, I find it very fulfilling knowing that I am helping a people that have had much work against them.

Hubby is working as a supervisor as the local Alternative Education centre. This is a centre for kids aged 13-15 who have effectively been expelled from the local high school and yet, by law, have to still be enrolled in school. They are all from rough backgrounds, most are related to gang members, and 95% of them are Maori. His job helps give my job even more meaning.

Needless to say, his work stories are far more interesting than mine, and far more heartbreaking.

He comes home with stories of drug use, abuse, crime, kids not having lunches, being picked up by the police, and getting in fights. They are hardened criminals, who also turn into excited little children when he teaches them ukulele. 

I breaks my heart when he tells me these stories. I mean, these are little kids and yet he laughs if I offer to invite them round for dinner. My instinct is to mother them. Yet, if I did that, we could/would be targeted by gangs intent of burglary or other devious crimes. They are children on the outside, and yet their lives have taught them only violence and crime as survival instincts.

I feel hopeless when I think about this. The reality is that these children are going to grow up and be, whether willingly or forced, part of a gang system that will feed them nothing but hate and drugs. And there is nothing I can do about it, because I can't get involved. Even hubby has limits as to what he is allowed to do within his role.

So how do you help a kid who you can't give things to, who it isn't safe to bring back to your house, and who you know is vulnerable and needs love? 

Does my safety trump bringing them home?

It messes with my mind when I try and bring my sacrificial faith face to face with the reality of what would happen. And I know what would happen. Hubby's mother works in the police down here and knows the families of these kids well. She knows what they would do. And it wouldn't be pretty.

So I pray, and I cry, and I physically ache for these kids. And I try my best at a workplace that would try and change the inevitable for these families. But mostly, if I am really honest, I try not to think about it. I don't want to feel hopeless and helpless, so I block it out.

Until I read an article like the one linked here.

If you can't be bothered reading the link, here is the cliff notes:

1. abuse is bad

2. here are some signs of how abusers act

3. abusers are out to get you so watch for signs

4. we will help you if you are in an abusive relationship

Now I agree with 3 out of 4 of these points. And point 3 is not explicitly stated, it is more the way that the author talks about the abuser, as if they were purposely acting in such a way in order to fool you.

I don't think this is the case at all.

When I hear about the kids at the AE centre, what I hear about are children who have been brought up in an environment perfect for producing an abuser.

They own nothing.

They lack love.

They respect no one (especially women).

Figures of love use violence.

Violence is how they solve their issues.

If they want something they take it.

This list is exactly what happens in an abusive relationship. But I don't think an abuser looks a someone and thinks "right, I want to abuse them, so I need to con them into loving me and then beat the s**t out of them."

Rather, what I think happens is that they are genuinely looking for love, it's just that they have been taught that love is possession and control. It's not that they necessarily WANT to hurt someone, it's just that they have no other tools in their emotional toolbox to deal with relationships, jealousy, love, anger, or anything. So they use what they know.

The sad thing about our society is that we demonise those that abuse. Yet they have often been at the hands of abuse for so many years that nothing short of extreme, extravagant, loving help is going to make any difference. 

But instead of help, they receive misunderstanding. Instead of compassion, they receive death threats. Instead of love, they receive hate layered on top of hate layered on top of hate. They are told they are devious and wicked, instead of being told that they too are a victim. They are told they are as bad as socio and psychopaths, instead of being nurtured into healthy communication. 

Society is trying to heal hurt and anger with segregation and hate.

It won't work.

And yet we persist in this kind of thinking and acting time and time again. Even if we go to something less extreme as abuse, and look at bullying, the same response dominates how we treat those who victimise others.

Case and point is the X-factor debacle that dominate NZ headlines recently. Cliff notes again, judges said nasty things to contestant, judges were fired. From that one, very brief, story, news agencies around the world went crazy.

And so did the responders to the judges. 

It is unfathomable to me how we can yell against bullying, but then do it by bullying the judges themselves!! Hate messages, mail and tweets poured out towards these two judges who, to be fair, had been told to be harsh to make good tv. What was said about them was worse that what was said by them at times.

Society thought it was permissible to abuse an abuser.

Why?

Why do we think that pouring out hate towards those who have shown hate can possibly rectify a situation?

Is it still a form of 'a tooth for a tooth' mentality? 

Because that is not what we are called to. Jesus refuted this way of thinking by calling humanity to something greater. Not a tooth for a tooth, he said, but love your enemies. Bless those who curse you. Turn the other cheek to those who hurt you.

I AM NOT CONDONING ABUSE IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.

If you are in an abusive relationship then get out, so you can get help, and so that they can get help outside of the volatile situation that is your relationship. Neither of you will heal or grow if you stay where you are.

But as a society we are not called to defend the honour of victims by making more victims. We are called to show love and understanding in order to offer arms of healing. We can point out bad behaviour by refusing to take part in it. 

Be better than those who hurt others. Don't stoop to their level by showing only hate and refusing help.

I would like to finish with a quote by Martin Luther King Jnr. that pretty much sums up everything I want to say about this; why try say it better when a master has captured it so eloquently.

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, 

begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. 

Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.

Through violence you may murder the liar, 

but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. 

Through violence you may murder the hater, 

but you do not murder hate. 

In fact, violence merely increases hate. 

So it goes. 

Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, 

adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: 

only light can do that. 

Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."