Living in a Dream

I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. It is a town called Taupo in the North Island of New Zealand, and if you haven't been, you really should. All of the photos in this blog are from places I see on a daily basis on my drive to work.

Often people ask me if I mind having to commute half an hour to work (and yes, in New Zealand (apart from in Auckland) that is a long way to travel for work). I can't say that I do mind it. Every day I get an hour to relax, destress, de-work mode, pray and look at the breathtaking creation that is around me (as well as look at the road of course!

Lake Taupo is the largest in this little country of mine, and it has a personality. Some days it is dark and moody, others it is tired and weather beaten. And on yet others it looks as if it has been newly washed and sparkles in the sunlight.

It is on the shores of this moody lake that I get to live out my life at present. The changes on it's mood often reflect in the way I am thinking about life on my drive home. When it is stormy and overcast I tend to think of deep, and often dark, life crises. When it is shiny and new looking, I find myself thinking of the possibilities the future holds for me.

Today it couldn't make up its mind. It went from rainy to fine and back again and, not surprisingly, I found myself thinking about recent changes that have been occurring in my life and my perception of it. But to explain the depth of what I was thinking about we need to go back a wee way.

About 5 years ago I began to have a recurring dream. It was about a boy who I use to have a unrequited crush on. In my dream he lived next door to the house in which I grew up. Every dream would start the same, my parents and I were having a row. Not an ordinary row, but a full on screaming at each other row. I would be yelling, crying, telling them I hated them and that I was leaving the house, and I would run to my room.

Through my window in my dream I could see into the upstairs windows of this boy's house. Every time I was upset or lonely I would look out my window and he would be in his window just watching me. Even if his lights were off. It was comforting yet really really creepy and I would wake with a deeply uneasy feeling and the dream would haunt me for the rest of the day.

About a year after starting to have this dream fairly regularly, it changed. I was still rowing with my parents but now I would go round to his house to hang out with him. My parents would tell me I was forbidden from doing it and I would anyway. We would get into more arguments about that and then I would end up in my room again.

Another year later and it changed again. This time it was his mum who was forbidding us to hang out. She would kick me out of her house and we started meeting by the fence at night time so we wouldn't in trouble. Now let me explain, we weren't romantically involved in real life or my dream, it was more that we were both really lonely and needing a friend and found a common ally. But the feeling of uneasiness stayed with me every time I had the dream. I felt like a naughty teenager again who was about to get snapped for lying and sneaking out of the house. It is a feeling I don't particularly like to revisit and yet that is how I felt after every dream.

After years of these recurring dreams, last night it changed again, This time I was at home and my parents and I were talking and laughing when the boy's mum came over to see us. She was bringing up Christmas presents and she gave a particularly large and heavy one with a note on it. The note said "It's ok, you are welcome anytime." The present turned out to be a huge candle. This time I woke up feeling very at peace.

How does this relate to my drive, I hear you ask?

I was thinking about that dream on my drive home today and I was reflecting on what it all might mean. But just like the lake, I couldn't make up my mind. I went between thinking it was just a dream, thinking it had some deep hidden meaning, and thinking about panda's (you know, as you do). Then I had a little bit of an epiphany.

I wonder if my dream has been changing as I have been changing.

When my dream first started I felt very lost, unhappy with some significant relationships in my life, and alone. I wanted someone who could understand but I was uncomfortable sharing about what was going on. I thought I would be judged and misunderstood and so I only really talked to my husband and my sister about it. Recently though, I have found a deep sense of peace with the decisions I have made. Perhaps my dream reflected this sense of 'making peace' with myself.

Though dream interpretation is notorious for being wishy washy and airy fairy, there is something to be said about our subconcious reflecting what we are going through into our dreams. Or maybe I have just been dreaming about a creepy dude with a strange mother. 

Whatever the truth is, I know that living in a place of such intense beauty has really helped me to connect to myself and my feelings in a way I haven't really done before. My long drive around the lake edge focuses my mind and causes me to think about things that otherwise I would ignore. The spectacle of creation with all its glory and complexity helps my brain to look inwards and simplify. In the enormity of what God has created, I find my own significance.

All of that to say, I live in a truly gorgeous corner of the world.

The Empty Car Seat (a poem for Zethan)

It sits in a cupboard
A capsule that encapsulates the overwhelming joy
The devastating sorrow.
A seat that will never be sat in,
Echoing the loneliness of the arms that remain empty.
A mocking injustice
That a cold box will hold what this plush chair should have cradled.
It did not have the opportunity to act out that which it was made for.
It will not comfort, protect or be that which in essence it is.
Just as parents are parents,
Whether physically or not,
This car seat will always be the seat intended to hold the most precious cargo,
And yet never managed to do so.

To be that which you are,
And yet that which you cannot be,
Is the ultimate betrayal of death to life.
Love, the enormity of which can only be measured
By the immenseness of grief,
Cannot change what it is,
Can only scream wordlessly into the night with moans from the very soul.
Yet, the graciousness of the cross is that, even within death
There is life.
There is hope.
Arms that ache to hold and love,
Will one day embrace and be filled.
A face that was known for only a moment
Will be celebrated for eternity.
Parents who are yet to be parents, will,
Through the miracle of new life,
Find a meeting of hearts, a recognition of love.
A chair sits empty in a cupboard,
"Not yet," it whispers,
"But soon."

Haters Gonna Hate (or Disposable Relationships)

My husband is 7 years younger than me. While this doesn't seem like much at first, when you realise that the same year I got married for the first time (at age 19) he was in intermediate, suddenly the age gap becomes very very large!

One aspect of this age gap is that, in this rapidly changing world, he grew up with technology that I was only discovering in my late teens/early adult years. This means that, despite having done my Masters thesis on video gaming, I am constantly hopelessly behind him when it comes to understanding technological trends of youth. I know I sound ancient right now, but it is true, and he laughs at me all the time about it (I would like to remind you all that I am only 30, but technology is developing so fast that having grown up with it as second nature gives you a distinct advantage).

But one trend I am on top of (yay me!!) is this overwhelming belief that relationships that don't work should just be ditched. This trend is particularly popular through quotes on facebook.

By and large these quotes - of which I have chosen a few of the lest offensive to display - are basically stating that if you have ever hurt me, insulted me, misunderstood me, made me angry, broken my trust, or any other infraction on our relationship be you a friend, a partner, or anyone except my children (who are always completely above reproach) then expect me to pull the finger and walk away whistling with no regrets for ending our relationship.

As someone who has divorced a husband and hasn't had contact with her parents for 5 years, I understand what letting go of relationships is all about. I understand walking away from destructive and hurtful situations, and I really do not hold anything against anyone who chooses to do so.

BUT....

I would never ever ever say that I have no regrets, that it was simple, or that these people have been dropped because they didn't treat me the way I deserved.

I do regret things. Every relationship breaks down because of things both sides have done. No one 
person is ever 100% in the wrong. There are always two sides to a story. I regret hurting people I care about, I regret not trying harder at times. I regret not speaking up sooner when I first noticed problems.

And it hurts. It hurt then and it hurts now. Though I am happily married to someone else, my divorce still cuts deep. It is a sadness in my very soul for the two people that we were and what we were able to do to each other. It is a grief for two young people, children really, that thought they could face anything together. It is a sadness for the loss of innocence and of love. It is mourning for family moments not shared and sadness over ones that were shared but went so wrong. There is anger there too and shame.

Would I choose differently now?No, I believe I acted in the best interests of everybody, but it wasn't because somehow these people were just haters who hurt me once, or even people that I was sick of.

Because relationships, even the difficult ones, are not disposable.

In a culture that moves so quickly on to the next thing, we have begun to treat our relationships the same way. Just as we line up for the newest iPhone when our old one is still working just fine, so too do we start moving on to the next relationship before we have even given our current one time to heal and to grow.

People hurt each other. There is no relationship you will ever have were you won't be hurt. My mother-in-law use to tell me that hubby would never hurt me, until one day I told her that that simply wasn't true. He would, already had in some ways (though not marriage destroying ways) and that it was OK because relationship is about forgiveness, trying to find solutions and working through tough issues. Otherwise it isn't a relationship!

If you are looking for family, friends, partners that will never hurt you then you are going to be disappointed. It is how we respond to pain and to hurt that defines our relationship. Flipping the finger and walking out anytime something bad happens merely shows how little you valued the relationship in the first place. It says more about you than about the other person. It takes time to work stuff out, sometimes years, but love is about the long haul despite the pain involved.

Jesus is the perfect example of this relational dedication. For three years he hung out with the same group of 12 mates. In particular he was ultra close to Peter. They were close in a way that makes me think of my husband and his best friend Kent. They are like brothers from another mother. Close in a way that makes me envious of what they have. At times they tell each other off but they are always there for each other for any reason, day or night.

Jesus and Peter live together, eat together, share every day together. They are close. And yet when 
Jesus is arrested Peter runs away and then, out of fear of being arrested himself, denies he ever knew the man.

Jesus reacts in a way that we should try to emulate. He forgives Peter. He returns to him after he is resurrected and embraces him. Peter then goes on to be the founding leader of the Christian church, which 2000+ years is still going strong.

Instead of reacting out of anger (which he would have been entitled to do!), despite facing torture and death alone and betrayed, Jesus shows grace and understanding. There was nothing but love and mercy for his friend. Perhaps as we meditate on Jesus this Christmas season we should ask for his grace to forgive and love those who have hurt us, and the opportunity to heal relationships that have been damaged.

May forgiveness be our focus this Christmas.

Note: If you are in a relationship that is abusive in any way - mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally - then remove yourself from this. Forgiveness and reconciliation can happen at a distance, but the priority is your safety while you walk that journey. There are some things that we can confront head on, and others were we need the space and safety first. Please see my blog on forgiving family for more conversation around this.

Which is more important....forgiveness or healing?

On my way to work in the mornings I tend to arrive at the train station about 10mins early so I can sit in my car and read my bible and pray a bit (I know, I am so holy and I put you all to shame). I do this so I start my day the right way, focused on God and not on how tired, grumpy, wanting to be in bed I feel.

Sometimes I just go through the motions. I don't really take in what I am reading and/or I don't really care (maybe not that holy after all). But sometimes what I have read really gets me thinking.

Like yesterday for example.

I was reading Mark 2:1-13. For those who don't know their bibles off by heart (shame on you.....you are going stright to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200...jokes) this bit tells the story of a paralytic man. Jesus is chilling in a house, maybe eating some dinner or something, when the people of the town hear he is there. Like the celebrating swarming of the 1st Century, they all flock to see him, filling the house and the road outside and basically acting like people do around the Kardashians today, but for much better reasons (hopefully). 

In this town there is a paralytic man who is hanging out with his mates, who start to think to themselves that maybe they should get him to see Jesus and maybe something like a healing would happen (because by now stories of Jesus' healings have spread). So they pick up this guy on his mattress and start carrying to the place where Jesus is.

When they get there the doorway is full of people who are not gonna give up their precious opportunity to see and hear Jesus. Perplexed, these fellas start brainstorming and decide to climb up on the roof (which is flat in this part of the world, and usually has stairway access), and dig a hole through the roof (really hope the owner was pissed off that this) and then lowered the man, mattress and all, down to right smack bag in front of the great man himself.

Now I can imagine Jesus looking at the man on the mat, then looking up at the hole in the ceiling and breaking into a huge smile. He is really impressed with the faith and commitment they have all shown. So he looks at the man and says "your sins are forgiven." Some religious elders and stuff and kinda annoyed by this because in their reckoning only God has the authority to forgive sins and Jesus is a man. So Jesus (apparently reading their minds!!!) looks at them and says "which is easier, to forgive sins or to tell this man to get up, pick up his mat and walk. But so you know that the Son of Man [a title Jesus uses for himself] has the authority to forgive sins..." he looks at the paralytic man "stand up, pick up your mat and walk home." And the dude, who is paralysed remember, gets up, picks up his mat and walks out.

Now there are many amazing things about this story. I mean, the paralysed guy would have had muscles that were all shrunken and munted and yet he could get up and walk straight away! The full body healing that occurred here is mind blowing in medical terms. It is not just the cause of his paralysis that is healed, but all of the issues associated with that. All instantaneously!! Flippin wow!

But what struck me yesterday was not the healing. It was that the healing was almost an afterthought in the story. 

Jesus didn't heal the guy immediately. He forgave him first. And then he implies that it is harder to forgive sins than to heal this man.

The healing is not of the first importance to him!!

This made me think about the priorities I would have placed on this story. If I had been Jesus I would have healed the guy first then said something like "BOOM! Look at what I can do! Now believe all you peeps, because I am badass and,as a bonus, I will forgive his sins too!"

In churches I see the same thing. We pray often for people's healing, but how often is there salvation or relationship to God seen as more important than their physical ills. It is the mentality that says "show me a miracle first and then I will believe and ask to be saved."

And yet that is directly opposite to what Jesus does here. His main focus is on the spiritual ill of the man. He sees that the healing that had to occur between this man and God was more deadly, more disastrous than the physical disabilities he had. This reconciliation of man and God was the priority.

How would this attitude impact how we speak to people with disabilities and illnesses? If we adopted this attitude what would change in our hearts towards others? Would we stop seeing people with disabilities as something to be pitied but rather view the state of their faith as more important? Would their disability pale in comparison to their knowledge of God? Would we approach them differently? Would we approach our own issues differently?

I for one am someone who empathizes greatly with people who suffer from disabilities; I have been one and, but for the grace of God, would still be one. I remember feeling like if people prayed for my healing and it didn't happen, that I or they had failed in their faith. I stopped asking for prayer because I felt ashamed.

It was in the prayers of some ladies who prayed for God to be made known to me, not to be healed, that I was healed. They prayed for my salvation, and God, like in this story, forgave me first and healed me second. And the first was more important for me than the second. My shame and fear was lifted. Even if I had remained in my illness I believe that my experience with God in that moment would have changed my life anyway, even if not others perception of my life.

So when you pray for healing for others (and I am not saying not to) remember that of greater importance to God is that this suffering person would know the love and forgiveness of Christ. It is then that true, deep healing is found, that the broken is made whole, and the world is reconciled to its Creator.