Living in a Dream

I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. It is a town called Taupo in the North Island of New Zealand, and if you haven't been, you really should. All of the photos in this blog are from places I see on a daily basis on my drive to work.

Often people ask me if I mind having to commute half an hour to work (and yes, in New Zealand (apart from in Auckland) that is a long way to travel for work). I can't say that I do mind it. Every day I get an hour to relax, destress, de-work mode, pray and look at the breathtaking creation that is around me (as well as look at the road of course!

Lake Taupo is the largest in this little country of mine, and it has a personality. Some days it is dark and moody, others it is tired and weather beaten. And on yet others it looks as if it has been newly washed and sparkles in the sunlight.

It is on the shores of this moody lake that I get to live out my life at present. The changes on it's mood often reflect in the way I am thinking about life on my drive home. When it is stormy and overcast I tend to think of deep, and often dark, life crises. When it is shiny and new looking, I find myself thinking of the possibilities the future holds for me.

Today it couldn't make up its mind. It went from rainy to fine and back again and, not surprisingly, I found myself thinking about recent changes that have been occurring in my life and my perception of it. But to explain the depth of what I was thinking about we need to go back a wee way.

About 5 years ago I began to have a recurring dream. It was about a boy who I use to have a unrequited crush on. In my dream he lived next door to the house in which I grew up. Every dream would start the same, my parents and I were having a row. Not an ordinary row, but a full on screaming at each other row. I would be yelling, crying, telling them I hated them and that I was leaving the house, and I would run to my room.

Through my window in my dream I could see into the upstairs windows of this boy's house. Every time I was upset or lonely I would look out my window and he would be in his window just watching me. Even if his lights were off. It was comforting yet really really creepy and I would wake with a deeply uneasy feeling and the dream would haunt me for the rest of the day.

About a year after starting to have this dream fairly regularly, it changed. I was still rowing with my parents but now I would go round to his house to hang out with him. My parents would tell me I was forbidden from doing it and I would anyway. We would get into more arguments about that and then I would end up in my room again.

Another year later and it changed again. This time it was his mum who was forbidding us to hang out. She would kick me out of her house and we started meeting by the fence at night time so we wouldn't in trouble. Now let me explain, we weren't romantically involved in real life or my dream, it was more that we were both really lonely and needing a friend and found a common ally. But the feeling of uneasiness stayed with me every time I had the dream. I felt like a naughty teenager again who was about to get snapped for lying and sneaking out of the house. It is a feeling I don't particularly like to revisit and yet that is how I felt after every dream.

After years of these recurring dreams, last night it changed again, This time I was at home and my parents and I were talking and laughing when the boy's mum came over to see us. She was bringing up Christmas presents and she gave a particularly large and heavy one with a note on it. The note said "It's ok, you are welcome anytime." The present turned out to be a huge candle. This time I woke up feeling very at peace.

How does this relate to my drive, I hear you ask?

I was thinking about that dream on my drive home today and I was reflecting on what it all might mean. But just like the lake, I couldn't make up my mind. I went between thinking it was just a dream, thinking it had some deep hidden meaning, and thinking about panda's (you know, as you do). Then I had a little bit of an epiphany.

I wonder if my dream has been changing as I have been changing.

When my dream first started I felt very lost, unhappy with some significant relationships in my life, and alone. I wanted someone who could understand but I was uncomfortable sharing about what was going on. I thought I would be judged and misunderstood and so I only really talked to my husband and my sister about it. Recently though, I have found a deep sense of peace with the decisions I have made. Perhaps my dream reflected this sense of 'making peace' with myself.

Though dream interpretation is notorious for being wishy washy and airy fairy, there is something to be said about our subconcious reflecting what we are going through into our dreams. Or maybe I have just been dreaming about a creepy dude with a strange mother. 

Whatever the truth is, I know that living in a place of such intense beauty has really helped me to connect to myself and my feelings in a way I haven't really done before. My long drive around the lake edge focuses my mind and causes me to think about things that otherwise I would ignore. The spectacle of creation with all its glory and complexity helps my brain to look inwards and simplify. In the enormity of what God has created, I find my own significance.

All of that to say, I live in a truly gorgeous corner of the world.

The Thorn in my Side

Most people who know me describe me in similar ways (trust me, I know, I have asked). They say I am bubbly, outgoing, talkative, friendly, loyal, sometimes a bit know-it-all and controlling when I want things done my way (which is, of course, the right way!). I know my strengths and I know my faults.

I have learnt these things not just from talking to others but from the soul searching I have done over the last few years since my first marriage fell apart. I know what I like and what I don't like. I know to listen to my gut about things as usually my feelings are spot on, even when I don't have a logical explanation for them. I know I have a tendency to be competitive and aggressive in certain situations, so for the most part I avoid those scenarios. I have issues with food and weight, as well as other addictions that I have had to combat.

I am ok being honest about these things.

But there is something in my life that I am not ok with.

I don't talk about it.

I don't like to acknowledge it.

It makes me feel weak and useless.

And if there is one thing I don't like, it is feeling weak and useless.

It won't seem major to you guys. I know it seems like I am building this up, but I doing that less than I am just not sure how to say it without sounding stupid.

Because I get sick.

A lot.

I have migraines that put me in bed for a couple of days at a time. 

I have other days where my body shuts down and I can sleep the entire day.

If I don't do this I get migraines or illness or who knows what other ailments. 

For every two days I work/study I spend one day recuperating. 

And it pisses. me. off.

It also scares the bejeezus out of me. This is because when I was married the first time I was very mentally unwell. I was on a lot of medications to deal with what was going on in my head, and one of the side affects of this was that I slept. A lot. Like 20 hours a day, no jokes. I get terrified every time I feel tired that I am going back to that. That one day it will move from a physical tired to a mental illness tired and I will be back in the hell I lived in for years and yet, by the grace of God, managed to escape.

My ex also hated it. I get afraid that my hubby now will one day get sick of it just like ex did. That he won't be able to handle me being like this and will pull away from me and leave. I know that he isn't like that (one of the reasons I love him so much) yet the scars remain and so does the fear.

I get scared that I will not be able to achieve all I dream about doing. I feel like God has pulled me in certain directions to do certain things and yet I feel that my body is stopping me doing it. That makes me scared that I am hearing from God wrong or that somehow I will fail. In my theological mind I know that the God I know doesn't have a achieve/fail rating on people, but in my emotional mind I am afraid of letting God down. I have been given so much back, should I not being giving everything?

I am afraid that I will always be like this. I know that there are others out there with much worse health issues than me. Off the top of my head I can think of three people that I keep in contact with whose health issues cause them pain, are degenerative, or have them in wheelchairs. I also have a mother-in-law who is battling for her life against her own body, fighting against cancer. I am grateful that I have a body that can do what it does and a mind that is able to write a thesis and be mentally well. Yet I am afraid that I will never have enough energy for having children, working full time, doing ministry, and a variety of other things.

At these times I remember Paul and the thorn in his side. No one really knows what it was, but some educated guesses reckon he was going blind. For someone who relied on getting letters to people, that must've been a huge blow. He must have hated it. Yet he speaks of giving thanks in all circumstances, of praising God for what has been given. This man founded most of the early church and was going blind! And while that should give me hope, it makes me feel the pressure of my own expectations to do as well with or without my health issues. I mean, if a blind man could, why can't I?

Growing up in this world we are faced with too many expectations. I had them from my family. I remember distinctly being told that our family aimed to be CEO's, not the workers. And to some extent I am proud of that ethos, even if it is misguided. Then the rest of my life I have been bombarded with images of what it means to be the perfect woman, mother, wife, worker. At church I am told how to be a great mother but that also church people are involved in 101 church activities. Even now my pastor and his family (who are great people and whom I love very much) set the bar pretty high by being involved in so many things I don't think they actually sleep.

Yet when I tell people what I am struggling with I am told to take it easy, rest it worship, do what I can and no more. But this is at odds with everything else that the world is screaming at me, what I see in my church, and what I fundamentally believe about myself from what I grew up with.

So how does one accept where they are at? 

I was talking to my friend, and theologian, Immanuel Koks the other day about this. He is in a wheelchair because of dealing with Cerebral Palsy since birth. He is highly intelligent, gentle, and teaches me so much about love and peace just by being around him. I asked him how do I accept where I am at. He answered that it is less about accepting the illness and more about accepting the days when you don't accept it. In other words, it is ok to have days where you are pissed off, and you have to be ok with them.

Well people, I am pissed off.

And I am NOT ok with that.

I am not ok with not knowing each day if I will make it out of bed.

I am not ok with my hubby having to watch his wife have bad days.

I am not ok with this at all.

And what I am really not ok with is that this is most likely my fault.

That is right. I did this.

When I was mentally unstable I was on so many drugs I can't even remember all of their names. They were all drugs that affected my brain. And when I decided that life was too hard, I decided to try and OD on some of these potent drugs. I ended up in hospital, vomiting up charcoal they forced down my throat, being observed in ICU. The lethal dose I took of these pills and the type of pills they were means that there is a very high chance that I was the one who damaged my body.

I am to blame.

I don't know if I can put into words what knowing that does to me. I don't know if I can capture the regret and anger and frustration that I feel. I don't know if you will understand how that compounds all the other feelings of failure and guilt that I feel around this issue.

I believe in a God who takes away the sins of the world. I believe it and know it to be true. I know that I have been forgiven, accepted, healed, and delivered from my past just as effectively as if it had been someone else's life. Yet the repercussions remain and I feel bad for praying for healing because I feel I deserve the pain for what I did to myself. I feel like it is pay back.

I know that is wrong.

I know I am worth more than that.

I know if I was counselling someone else in this position I would be telling them that they were forgiven and don't have anything to pay back.

I know it.

So how do I believe it??

Beautiful People

 I am excited about tomorrow.

Tomorrow I get to spend the day with a group of people in discussion with theologian Vinoth Ramachandra. 

I feel like a kid before Christmas!

Vinoth is one of the foremost writers in theology and culture and is a personal hero of my mentor Rod Thompson. To get to spend time in conversation with a man of this stature and intellect is such an honour and a privilege. Squeals of excitement happening over here.

I am currently reading a book that Vinoth produced back in the 90's called 'Gods That Fail' looking at culture, modern idolatry, and christian mission. It's some good reading on the side of all my study and I highly recommend it.

I also had a great day going to my weight watchers meeting. There is something really wonderful about sitting with a group of people who understand what you are going through and who are really supportive. 

But reading Vinoth and doing WW has got me thinking about what we idolize in our culture. 

                                         

I would like to say that health, weight and beauty are some of those idols.

Now a lot of my blogging inspiration comes from things I see on tv and this is no exception. There are so many ads that are aimed at losing weight, looking good, and being attractive. How many times a day a we told that the way we look is not good enough? If only we were to lose ten kilos, buy this make up, wear these clothes, then we would be sexy and desireable and life would be better.

Being fit, skinny and sexy become all important. As a larger size woman I can tell you that it is freaking hard to get stylish clothes that aren't only for skinny people. Labels don't want to be associated with big bodies. Don't believe me? Check out what the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch said in recent statements about his brand! I have even been into a store to buy a present for my sister to be told at the door that the store wouldn't have anything suitable for a woman of my size. The woman was lucky not to get punched in the face!

Joking, I am a pacifist.

I make pacifiers out of my fist.

No really, I am joking. Not a violence fan. But I was really offended. So some other store got my money.

What I am constantly told as a woman of size is that I need to buy something to make me feel better or look better, or I will turn out like the stereotypical fat person on tv and movies who is comedic relief and never gets the hot guy. 

Fat is ugly, unhealthy, unsexy and therefore of the devil.

Yes, I agree that having fat is unhealthy. But not to the point where health becomes a god. 

But this obsession doesn't end with weight. We have an absolute paranoia of germs! The number of ads there are for the latest product that will get rid of 99% of bacteria is insane! We are breeding a generation that will have no immune system when they grow up because they are growing up in sterile homes. And think of what those chemicals are doing to our bodies!

Being healthy is good, but when is it finally too far?

        

What does it say to the person in a wheelchair when they turn on the tv and see the new Special K ad that tells them that to be human is to run and move? What does it say to the terminally ill child when they are told that the best child is a healthy child? What does it communicate to the woman who has had a double mastectomy and has lost her hair to cancer treatment when she is told that long hair is beautiful and women with big breasts are more attractive?

What is it saying to you when you are bombarded every day with images telling you that you are not good enough, pretty enough, healthy enough, sexy enough?

There has to be another way!

There has to be another message to listen to!

Well it's your lucky day because here is one that was prepared earlier....

God is a God of messed up, ugly, broken people.

That means that God is the God of us all.

All throughout history we can see God using the foolish and non-beautiful people of the world to make a difference. Jesus came down in the form of a carpenters son, not a prince, and it says explicitly in the gospels that he didn't look like anything special.

God doesn't love the bikini model more than the paraplegic. God doesn't care if you run every day or if you have never seen the inside of a gym or know what one is!

God doesn't love me because I am fat, or because I am trying to lose weight. God loves me because I am me. I don't have to be special, I don't have to change the world. I don't have to be famous or have a viral YouTube clip. I don't have to fit the latest fashions or wear branded clothing. Because in the end all that stuff is meaningless anyway. In the end the prettiest model is going to get old like me, die like me, and rot in the ground like me.

The difference is where we go from there.

I lose weight so I don't get a disease later in life, so I can have children safely, and so I don't die way younger than my husband.

Not so I look sexy or fit a pair of jeans or to look pretty.

                                      

We have made being sexy, skinny, and pretty such an idol that is consumes us. Men are accustomed to viewing the bodies of models and porn stars and become disappointed with reality. Women are obssessed with looking younger and skinner to the point of starving themselves. Both sexes expect their partner to look sexy all the time or their attention will go elsewhere. 

There is a different way. There is a way to be loved where it isn't your appearance but the content of your character that is what is important. 

You are loved this way by God.

Perhaps we can learn to love others that way too.