Trudging when you want to Fly

I have this amazing friend who I love a lot. She and I are very similar in some ways and in others are completely the opposite. We use to live next door to each other and would see each other all the time for coffee and catch ups, but now we are in different cities and I miss seeing her and being able to chew the fat.

She is an incredibly talented and passionate woman, but she suffers from a debilitating illness. It is one of those illnesses that doesn't show on the outside so often people don't realise that is just a struggle for her to get out of bed some days. If she does make it out of bed, that is an epic win! But she doesn't feel like that. She feels like she is trudging when all she wants to do is fly.

Her and I were talking about it about it last night, and I really feel like I know where she is coming from. I too feel like I am just doing the daily trudge at the moment. Though I do not have an illness as severe as hers, I do get migraines that throw out my plans. I have to watch how much I do, how often I rest, and when I take my medication. I feel like my life is dictated by me head.

I also know how she is feeling when she asks me what God has planned for her and how it is possible. I sometimes feel like I have done all this study and research and now I am not using it or working in the field I am most passionate. I feel like I just live from day to day waiting for the opportunity to do something else, something more.

Our experience of church is very much dictated by our experiences of life; we both find it a struggle to go to church. We find it hard to do small talk with people who don't really know how we are struggling silently. We find the music often contrite and dishonest to how we are feeling. We can find the sermons boring and/or rip them apart mentally due to our theological training. So we tend to avoid church, or go very unwillingly.

We are trudging, but oh how we want to fly.

During these times it is the story of Joseph that really sustains me. If you know the story, fell free to let your mind wander as I summarize it for those who do not.

Joseph was the second youngest of 12 brothers. Though usually the eldest brother was the most loved, the most favoured, but Joseph, the first child of two children from the favourite wife of Jacob, was the most loved by his father. We was doted on and, frankly, was a little spoiled and outspoken to boot. He annoyed his brothers by telling the of dreams he had where his whole family would bow down to him. In a fit of rage, the brothers took Joseph, intending to kill him. Instead, they sold him to slavers that then took the young boy to Egypt to sell. He was sold to Potiphar, an important man, and he worked hard to please his master. However, his master's wife took a little too much of a liking to him and, when he didn't reciprocate, falsely accused Joseph of rape. Joseph languished in prison for 14 years, working hard and earning the respect of the guards of the prison in the process. When fate brought two men of Pharaoh's household to the prison, Joseph was given the opportunity to interpret their dreams and, in the process, asked them to remember him to Pharaoh. The dreams came to pass as he said, with one man being killed and the other being reinstated in his former position. It was another two years before Pharaoh had a dream and the reinstated man remembered his promise to Joseph. He told Pharaoh about the now fully grown man, and Joseph was released to interpret the Pharaoh's dream. He did so correctly, thorugh the Spirit of God, and was made second only to Pharaoh in all of Egypt. Eventually a famine struck the land for 7 years and Joseph's brothers were needing food. They went to Egypt to ask for grain from Joseph, who had been preparing for the famine for years after being warned in Paroah's dream. It was then that the dreams of seeing his family bow before him were fulfilled. Joseph forgave his brothers and brought his whole family to Egypt and died an important, wealthy and loved man.

That was a very brief explanation of the story. If you want more look it up in Genesis and have a read. It is worth it.

Anyway, back to my point.

It was 16 years before Joseph was set free. He didn't know if he would ever get out of prison alive. He didn't know what the plan was or how God would get him out of it all. He had a terrible experience as a child and now he was locked away for something he didn't do.

If I was Joseph I would have despaired. There seemed to be no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel, no justice.

Even though the story doesn't end that way, it is this part I want to focus on. The part where for 16 years Joseph trudged through everyday in prison.

He had dreamed he could fly, and was made to trudge with no end insight.

But it was he did in prison that impresses me so much. He worked so hard and so faithfully that the head of the prison made him his right hand man. He was put in charge of other prisoners and earned the respect of both them and the people paid to keep him locked up. He didn't give up, he just found another way to serve God.

This challenges me. So often I ask God what his plan is for my life and when will it come to fruition. But really, all God calls us to is to live faithfully in loving him and loving others where ever we find ourselves. 

Whether we are trudging or flying, our purpose is the same. Whether we feel defeated or elated, our response to God and to others is meant to be the same. We are meant to live faithfully in love. Maybe our circumstances will change, maybe they won't, but that should not determine how we live or what God is asking from us.

We may feel like we are trudging, but it is living out our faith in Jesus that brings us to flight, whether we feel it or not.

Remember that it is the sacrifice and love of God that makes us fly, not what we do or where we are headed. We may feel like we are in a prison and that we will be in it for life, but it is how we live and how we respond to God that will define us.

I look back at the last ten years of my life and see how far I have come, even though most of it has felt like one long trudging slog. I remember that this time a decade ago I was in an abusive marriage, was alcohol dependent, was in and out of psych wards and suicidal. Today, I am loved, happy, healed, and 7 years sober. It was a long hard walk, but I am flying, whether I feel it today or not. God's work in our lives is not dependent on our feeling it. However, it is our hope in God that keeps us going everyday.

You may continue to trudge, but remember that it is our hope that makes us fly.

The Heart Is Fickle (or Why living by feelings alone is stupid)

I have been noticing a worrying trend growing in Western culture.


It is the idea that we should do what we feel is right, that we should love who we feel we love, and we should follow our feelings in everything we do in life.


I call it "Attack of the Feels" and frankly, it terrifies me.


It may not seem that big of a deal to you, but then you would be feeling that it is ok to do what you feel, rather than using your logic to work this scenario out to its fullest extent.


Before we do that though (and yes, by the end of this I am hoping you will be as scared of feels as I am) let me look at some examples that are currently bombarding our news stories, facebooks, twitters, and all the other media out there (including blogs...woah, inception moment..)


The most obvious one is the "you can't help who you love" argument behind legalising gay marriage etc. (and again I must iterate that I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBE, nor do I think it is wrong that there is a secular understanding of marriage that is open to all people, I just don't think that it is in line with Christian teachings, but I have written other blogs about this so lets all just hold hands, sing Kumbayah and not hate on anyone for thinking differently ok?)


I understand what people are trying to say when they argue "you can't help who you love." They are saying that love is an overwhelming feeling that can hit you right between the eyes, and who does anybody think they are to allow some people the right to feel that and deny it to others?


I get that. Love IS powerful and overwhelming and it does hit people in different ways.


BUT, and here is where it gets tricky, let's follow that line of thinking down the track a wee ways.


This is the same argument that NMBLA uses. NMBLA stands for the National Man-Boy Love Association. It argues for peadophilia being legalised. It is a real thing. They argue that peadophiles can't help who they love - namely, small children - and seeing as paedophilia use to be accepted in ancient Greece and Rome, surely it isn't that bad. Scary thing, this is very similar to arguments used in pro-Gay debates.


The same arguments are also used for polygamous and polyamourous relationships, incest relationships, and even bestiality (the research on this depressed me no end).


THE ISSUE HERE is if you allow this argument for one lot of people, how can it be denied to another? According to some stats, there are more paedophiles per population than there are homosexuals, so are they not allowed a voice? But even if we discount them because it is involving children (just remember the legal age of consent in some countries is twelve, so they are not considered children) are we prepared to permit polygamous relationships? What about marrying yourself (which in some places is legal), does that mean you can apply for benefits for married couples? Where does that leave religious institutions who refuse to marry people in this way? Persecution? Do we open this up to so many different understandings of love that the meaning of what a relationship is completely disappears?


If it is all about how someone 'feels' the laws become open to debate by anyone who feels differently. There is no stability, no way to maintain any law or standard that keeps the understanding of relationships and family in such a way that structures like benefits, legal adoption/guardianship etc make sense.


Another Attack of the Feels is that to do with gender. I recently wrote a blog on this, so I won't go into too much depth, but being able to question your gender because you feel differently than what you are, would not long ago have got you psychiatric help. Now it is seen as a right that anyone has to change their gender and sexual idenitity.


Again, let's follow this through. That means nationality and race come up for question as well. If I feel I am a black man, how is it ok for me to change my gender but not my race? I may identify with black people more than white, and it is about what I feel isn't it? Because if it is not, then what grounds do I have to change my gender?


Religion is also becoming more and more about feels and less about truth. If I tell someone I am a Christian, well that's ok because I am allowed to feel that there is a God and I feel that Jesus was telling the truth. But if I try and tell someone that it is the Truth and that I can intelligently explain why, then that's not cool because how dare I push my faith on someone else when they don't feel that way.


If we follow that to it's logical end, then we will get to a place where there is nothing that is true, no one can claim an objective truth in anything. No law, no court, no statement can be believed as the Truth. No teacher can tell their students that something is true, because what classifies it as true? History? But history is open for interpretation and can be understood differently depending n your race, gender, creed etc. And if we have none of those anymore, then how are we to understand history? And if we cannot trust history, then we cannot trust that it can teach us anything.


So the deeper we get into living off feelings the more and more we HAVE to as we have nothing left to base anything on anymore.


There are many more examples, but just using these three a picture begins to emerge.


It is a picture that is distorted and confused, with no grounding on what is true and right and good.


There is no point to marriage because if I wake up feeling differently one day, the marriage should end ("I love him, I am just not IN love with him"). There is no commitment or loyalty as feelings are fickle and don't work like that.


There is no point in working as if I ever wake up feeling like I don't like my job (everyday...) then I will quit, because again, there is no sense of permanence, loyalty, stick-to-it-ive-ness.


There is no point in families, because even the word family has become so distorted and confused no one knows what it means anymore.


We are left with children who grow up not knowing truth or where to find it.


They will have no understanding of loyalty, permanence, relationships.


They will not understand sex, gender, or sexuality as it will be so fluid that being called a boy or a girl will mean nothing.


They will not understand what it means to be wrong, to be told, "no, you can't do that" or that something is false. None of those words will have any depth or conviction behind them.


Our children will grow into a world that can offer them nothing more permanent than how they feel each minute of everyday.


And what kind of world will children like that build?


God help us all.

Loving My LGBT Neighbour?

I, like everyone else not living under a rock, is aware of the fact that the world is changing in regards to homosexuality. Laws are changing in many countries to allow homosexual couples to marry, decriminalising homosexual lifestyles and basically allowing homosexuals the same rights as their straight counterparts.

However, this isn't the case in other countries. Uganda is one such example. Watch the below video to catch up a little as to what is going on.

This clip is satirical in nature so maybe something a little more serious is in order.

It cannot be denied that to be homosexual in Uganda is somewhat dangerous these days and that this atmosphere of intolerance has been fuelled by extreme views by pastors claiming to be of the Christian persuasion.

So what? I hear you ask. Why do we care? Uganda is all the way over there and we are here and it doesn't affect us. Why don't the homosexuals just go to another country and leave Ugandan's to their ideas?

Well, let me just throw a few things out there for you.

1) This issue has been inflamed by the West stirring things up in Africa. This makes it our problem because it began as our problem.

2) Anything that hurts human rights for any human being should be our business. We are human. We don't like being treated like less human than other people. Therefore we should be really concerned if some people are being treated that way. Just as we now get upset if anyone claims that a black person is less human than a white person (which use to be law just fyi), we should be upset if someone says that a gay person does not deserve the same rights as a straight person. Saying that basically relegates the gay person as less human as the straight person. If you wouldn't like to be treated that way then you should be flipping upset if it is happening to someone else.

3) Why should people be kicked out of their country because they choose to live in a different way with a consenting adult? I am not talking about a crime that is dangerous and hurtful. Homosexuals are not paedophiles or dangerous to anyone. They just want to be treated as a human being who gets to choose their lifestyle. Why should they have to leave for that?

Now I need to state something before I go any further. I am a Christian and I do not agree with the homosexual lifestyle. I don't believe that being Christian and not agreeing with homosexuality goes hand in hand for many people, but for me they are linked. HOWEVER, my gay friends (yes, I do have them) know this and we are able to talk about our opposing views with love and respect. 

My views on homosexuality HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH my views on human rights.

And this is an issue of human rights NOT religion, faith, belief, sexuality or anything like that.

As a Christian, above and beyond everything else, I love God and I love others. 

To love others is to always, no matter the issue, stand with those who are being oppressed. It doesn't matter if they are being oppressed for being a woman, being black, being Muslim, being gay, or being a vegetarian. If someone is being oppressed, if their dignity and worth as a human being is being taken away and/or abused, then it is my duty as a Christian to stand with them, to speak for them, and to fight for them.

What is happening in Uganda to the LBGT community is WRONG. 

It is wrong that people are living in fear because of sexual orientation.

It is wrong that when I watch the above video I am ashamed of the Christians and being associated with them (on another note it is not wrong that I totally proud how Pepe dealt with that awful interview).

It is wrong that when I post pro gay statements on Facebook that I get slammed by Christians who see it as bad that I can support people fighting to be heard as equal human beings.

When Christians speak only about why we stand against homosexuality all we do is paint Christians with the homophobic brush. Everyone is well aware of how we feel about homosexuality by now. I don't think anyone is surprised when a Christian says that they don't agree with that lifestyle. Duh!

But to stand with the LBGT community as they fight for equal rights is something unheard of. It is something that has the potential to bring reconciliation and love between to opposing camps. It has the possibility of showing the love of Christ to those who are all to aware of what we stand against.

So I guess the last reason Uganda should be on our radar is because it is symptomatic of the arguments that are occurring between Christians and LBGT communities. It shows what happens when those conversations become part of law. It shows how hate can be taken to a national scale.

Uganda, if nothing else, should make us pause and think about what our words sound like to those who are LBGT and what impact that may be having on the wider global community.

A Mother to Hold

Mother's day is coming up fast in New Zealand. It is a time of families celebrating the woman who brought them into the world. Churches around the country will be holding special services that have children handing out gifts to mothers and a sermon focusing on someone like Mary, the mother of Christ.

There is a lot of stuff around mothers happening around me at the moment. My new niece was born a few days ago. Many of my friends are pregnant and giving birth. My mother in law is battling cancer so my thoughts are with her a lot. Hubby and I are thinking about babies and when to start trying for them.

Mothers have such an impact on our lives, for good or bad.

And recently I have been missing my mum.

I have talked briefly about my breakdown in relationship with my parents without giving too many details. I don't think this is the place to vent my issues with them. But suffice to say that it is coming up three years since I have seen or had any contact with either my mother or father.

I love my parents deeply, we just have some issues that we can seem to sort out.

Every month or something hits me that makes me miss my mother like crazy.

This month it is mothers day.

It makes my heart hurt when I think about her. I feel empty and lost, like a part of me is missing. I wish that things could be different and we could talk about things but life is not like that. Things happen.

The thing I have been thinking about is around all of this.

Mother's day was created by a card company that wanted to make profit. The church in NZ has bought into it hook line and sinker. And though I admire the sentiment I think it is wrong.

It is wrong to have one day alone when we celebrate mothers. I think it is wrong because it puts pressure on all those people who don't have mothers, can't be mothers, or have issues with their mothers. It affectively isolates those who are already hurting by pushing in their face what they don't have.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to push my misery on everyone but being a grinch about mothers day. I am all for celebrating mothers. But I don't think that the church, a place that is (or should be) full of broken and hurting people, should be focusing on this topic when the rest of society already does.

I mean let's face it, if my church doesn't do mothers day, I am not exactly going to miss it am I. It is all over TV, shop windows, and magazines. I would have to live in a cave to miss the sales that are being pushed in my face to buy my mother things like diamond rings and dishwashers. 

Kids will still be able to get cards for their mums, make them breakfast in bed, and show love to the special woman in their life.

But church? Church should be at least one place where people can find solace for their pain. That on a day that might be really hard for people there is a place where they can go and not have it shoved in their face. Where grief is acknowledged as much as joy.

But the church doesn't do grief well. We don't know how to lament with others. Church songs tend to focus on how happy we are that Jesus has saved us, rather than the pain of still living in a fallen world. We emphasise one and totally ignore the other.

In the last 24 hours I have talked to three women who find mothers day hard. One cannot have children, one doesn't have children yet but really wants them, and one whose mother has passed. Each of these women go to church and each them told me how they would avoid church on mother's day. 

There is something wrong when the people who are hurting are avoiding church in order to avoid more pain.

It's time to rethink how we do this in such a way that we don't diminish the joy but don't ignore the pain either.

The Battle of the Bulge and the Strength of Community.

Ah weight issues, my old nemesis. 

Yet again we meet. 

 I saw you just this morning as I walked passed my mirror and was determined not to acknowledge your presence.

I almost could pretend that you didn't whisper in my ear as I ate a muffin.

I nearly ignored you completely as I tried on a new dress. 

You keep showing your ugly face, your sneer and hateful words are expected and put up with on many days, despite how much I would rather tell you to piss off.

I hate you and you scare me, but for some reason I have put up with you for so many years that I am not sure how I would be without you anymore.

But I am learning.

Last week I stood in front of several groups of people whose eyes told me that they knew you intimately.

In those groups your presence was very much alive and well.

And yet it was in those very places, where I expected you to be strongest, you were at your weakest.

Somehow, as we looked at each other and talked about you, it was there that you failed to have control.

There you were named properly and seen for what you really are; something that can be defeated and controlled.

I saw your influence and at the same time I saw your weakness.

These fighters are not giving up.

I do not fight you alone.'

We shall overcome.

Family, Brokenness, and Acceptance

Wow, I just checked out my blog stats and I am nearly on 8000 views of this blog! A MASSIVE thank you to you, yes YOU, who is reading this and who keeps me writing. I am honoured by your presence here and the fact that you find me interesting enough to keep reading.

If you are new here I recommend reading my blog post 'My Story' in order to understand where I am coming from on various issues. I make a lot more sense with a little background knowledge going on. 

I have been pretty slack at these blog posts recently as I am currently writing my Masters thesis and that tends to take up a lot of my time. As well as that I run a small group for young adults (hence the various blogs with flowcharts) so the planning for that can (or should) take up some of my time too. But enough excuses, let's get on with the show.

I have up until today refrained from talking at length about my relationship with my family. This has been for several reasons.

1) I have felt that it is unfair to share my issues without them having a proper chance to respond.

2) Talking to a bunch of strangers (no offence guys) is perhaps not the best way to deal with some issues.

Yesterday however, I watched a Dr. Phil show that really hit a nerve. It was portraying a family of three children who were desperate to make contact with their dad but he kept making excuses. Though they all proclaimed love for their father they were furious at him and he couldn't understand why they kept yelling at him if they wanted a relationship.

That's not what struck me.

There was a young girl, 17yo, who said that if she could have anything it would be to be able to call her dad, talk about her problems, do fun things with him, and have him as her confidant. 

It was a heartfelt plea.

It was also a major cause of the problem.

I say this because I truly believe that the world has told us what a 'perfect' family should look like. I am not talking about a mum, a dad, and 2.5 kids. What I am talking about is the 'Simpsons' idea. 

Family is dysfunctional, the Simpsons tells us, but ultimately everyone will get along. By the end of the half hour dad will have realised his mistake and apologised, mum would've realised she loves the silly man after all, the kids will realise they are being little terrors and stop, and everyone will live happily ever after...well at least until the next episode. 

This is pretty much how every family works on TV sitcoms. It is what I grew up on, what most of my generation grew up on, and it has, I believe, warped our understanding of the nature of humanity.

See, people can suck. I mean really suck. The number of solo parent families out there would suggest that mum and dad, or partner, or whatever, don't always figure it out. The number of abused kids would suggest that parents don't always like their children. The number of runaways would suggest that kids don't always like their parents.

Because we are broken. Though we all yearn for the love of our family, we live a world where people are broken, where we are broken, and it isn't so easy to reconcile our differences. 

I love my family. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my parents. But I haven't seen or talked to them for two years. We have issues. My brokenness has affected them and their brokenness has affected me. My parents weren't perfect, but neither were they awful and neglectful. We just found that some of our difficulties were too big for us to be able to work through in a way that we both agreed on.

It breaks my heart that things ended up this way between us. I can't tell you how much I would love to pick up the phone and have a nice, happy conversation with my dad.

But that isn't our reality.

Our reality is that things are broken. There are no credits that will role after a family hug. There is no canned laughter that will play when we all realise that we misunderstood each other. There is no being able to run into each others arms in slow motion when we see each other again.

There is love, but it is a love tainted by our issues.

And that is what hit me about the young girls story on Dr. Phil. She had in her head this idea of what she believed was the perfect father-daughter relationship. But it was clear from the program that the father had no intention, or ability, to be this father. She wanted a fantasy instead of accepting the reality, no matter how painful that might be.

My mother-in-law once told me that relationships only work when we lower our expectations of people. We need to stop imagining what we want in someone and accept the reality of what our relationship with them really is. Sometimes it means walking away and letting the relationship go. Sometimes it means having to work damn hard at ourselves and at a relationship, but this is only possible if both parties are willing to try and work at it. And sometimes, in those wonderful moments, it means accepting what is and living in the love that is offered and accepted.

But let me get one thing straight: acceptance and forgiveness are NOT the same as reconciliation. We can accept the reality of a broken relationship. We can even learn to forgive the hurts and the pain that are caused within that relationship. But that does not mean that reconciliation will, or can, happen.

I have forgiven my parents for any hurt, real or imagined, that they caused me. I know this because I am not angry at them any more. For years I was. I was bitter and twisted about every little thing that I remembered them doing (or not doing). It ate me up inside. I would rant and rage against them for hours at a time. We would have screaming matches and things were said that I regret. Things were heard that I have now let go of. I learnt to forgive them and love them as human beings who did their very best to love me as they knew how. I pray for the all the time and hold them very dear in my heart.

But we do not have a relationship. The reasons for that I am choosing not to go into in this forum but I will say that it is because we have been unable to agree upon a 'safe zone' for us to work out our issues. Sometimes relationships need outside help, sometimes it is not emotionally (or even physically) safe to step back into the same situation without boundaries and safety being established first. Sometimes reconciliation doesn't happen. And that is ok.

Forgiveness does also not demand forgetting. The old adage 'forgive and forget' has done so much harm to people in relationships that are toxic. We CANNOT forget. It is impossible to forget. So what we are told to do is sweep our issues under the carpet and pretend they never happened. This leads to cycles of destruction in relationships. Ever wonder why an abused woman goes back to her abuser? Because she chose to ignore past behavior instead of letting it help her determine what will happen in the future. Sometimes the only way to find healing is to leave the environment that perpetuates old behaviors. And sometimes forgiveness cannot happen until we choose to NOT forget what has happened before and instead face it, address it, and, if need be, walk away from it until it changes.

It is ok to learn to forgive and not be reconciled. In a perfect world we could do that, but this isn't a perfect world and we are far from perfect people. We do what we can, we try as hard as possible, and then we have to learn to accept what is. And sometimes what exists is a relationship broken beyond repair. Or one that needs more time to heal.

You can forgive and learn to love without relationship being reestablished.

If you have a difficult relationship with your family members, you are not alone! There are so many of us out there who are longing for the love of parent/sibling/spouse/child. There are so many of us who weep for what we dreamed could have been and for the reality of what is.

We understand. You are not alone. 

My prayers are with all families. They are with every broken person who prays for a miracle and yet despairs that it will never come. They are with every person who misses someone they love because of the brokenness of their relationship.

May God give you peace and may you know God as your parent who loves you and comforts you. May you know Joy.

OBEY ME!

I don't know about you but the idea of obeying someone really grinds my gears.

I hate, HATE, the idea of having to take orders from someone. There are always times that it comes into play, like if you are a student you obey the teacher. But even then you can choose not to and fail your courses if you want to I guess.

It's the idea of someone telling you how to live, where to go and what to do that really gets to me. This feeds into my desire to be the CEO and not the worker of any business I work in. I want to be the boss, I want to dish out the orders, I don't want to take them!

And I know that this isn't a unique trait to me. It seems to be a major problem with everyone in Gen iY (the next generation after Gen Y). I am a Gen Y'er but can totally relate to this desire to control my own destiny and not listen to anyone else who may tell me what to do.

Typical traits my fellow control freaks are disrespecting of parents wishes, knowing more than the teacher about what is good for me, not paying any attention to government or the laws that they might set, ignoring how annoying my music may be to my next-door neighbours/fellow passengers on the bus/anyone in the general vicinity.

(Random aside: why do people listen to music on public transport on speakers instead of headphones??!!! Do they really think that everyone else wants to listen to the latest rap/dance/hiphop/pop that they are into?! Come on people, they are PERSONAL sound systems!!)

But getting on with the topic....

Recently my amazing father-in-law bought my hubby and I our first car. Problem is it is still four weeks until I sit my license so I am not actually allowed to drive the thing yet. I did anyway. For the first two days of owning the car I threw the rule book out the window and experience freedom. 

Then Luke had a crisis of conscience and told me that we really shouldn't drive anymore illegally. Apparently breaking the law is bad. Apparently God isn't really for that either.

Kill joy.

The thing is I agree with Luke (and God) and I shouldn't be driving illegally and would have a fit if anyone of my friends did it. The thing that pissed me off was that someone, in the case the LAW, told me not to.

I have serious authority issues.

I usually don't bring it up at job interviews.

So I got to thinking:

What is it about obeying that annoys me so much?

And it's not just me! I know that YOU (yes you, reading this right now) have moments where obeying isn't exactly your forte. I know that there have been times when you have thrown the rule book out the window too. Maybe you didn't drive illegally, maybe it was eating more sweets than your mum said you could. But there was a time when you didn't want to, and didn't obey.

So if you are a Christian how does this rebellious nature work when we are dealing with all matters Godly?

This desire to not obey, to be in control, is the BIGGEST issue that separates us from God! Back in the Garden of Eden (whether it was metaphorical or not) the issue was that humanity not only wanted to disobey  God, but they wanted to BE God. To call the shots. That's why the serpent says to Eve "nah, you won't die you'll just be as smart

as God and know everything" (CSW (Christine Susan Welten) translation)

The tower of Babel was about people wanting to be God, to control the world. Abraham gets Hagar, instead of Sarah, pregnant because he tries to control how a prophecy will be fulfilled. Saul gets kicked out of being the king because he does all the sacrificial stuff himself instead of waiting like God had told him. Israel as a country repeatedly refuses to obey God and ends up in exile with the Temple destroyed.

The Bible is FULL of people who couldn't find it in themselves to obey God. And these are people who saw God walking with them in the garden, as smoke on a mountain, as a pillar of fire, and angelic messengers. They had all this cool stuff happen and they still slipped in obeying.

It seems to be the major failure of humanity.

Only Jesus obeyed God 100% and even then he prays, that, if at all possible, what had to happen could be cancelled. 

So if we have this amazingly huge flaw that all of humanity suffers from, what the heck are we suppose to do about it??

Well, I don't know.

Truly.

I think that it is about prayer.

It is through talking to God, admitting our failures and our desire to control (and how badly we do it!), and saying "I want you to be in charge" that we learn to actually let God be in charge.

Even praying that we want God to be in charge in a sense is obedience. We are obeying the command to pick up our cross and follow Jesus. We are saying in effect "I don't know how to do this, but I am trying." We are letting God in and giving him the authority to start changing our hearts.

It is about listening.

In prayer we start to learn to hear God's voice instead of just our own. It takes time and practice to know God's voice in amongst all the other noises in our world and prayer is massive in being part of us being able to hear it.

If we are listening well to God then we will feel when there is a conviction for us to change something. We begin to hear and recognise the call to do something, go somewhere, help somebody. And we learn to respond with "YES" when we hear it. We begin to obey the voice of God as we learn to listen for it.

It is about talking.

We aren't meant to do life alone. Obeying stuff can be hard, particularly when it seems to be inbuilt into us to disobey. 

So we need to talk to each other about our struggles and failings. We need to be honest about the things we find hard to give up or start. We need to pray with each other and for each other so that we can draw on the strength of the community when we are doing something that we know we shouldn't but we don't want to stop.

It is about reading.

We NEED to read the Bible. We need to do this so we can know how God works, how God speaks, and what God says. We need to read it so we can learn what God's voice might sound like and when we have got it really really wrong. Because we don't always get it right and sometimes what we feel is right is actually not what is right.

Praying, listening, talking, reading.

Doesn't sound so hard, but it is.

But when we start doing these things we will start to see our lives change for the better. We learn to love God and others more, we become more humble and accepting of life and the rules in it. We learn to respect people and the things that they say and enforce. 

In short, we become more like Christ.

"Not my will Father, but your be done."

Let the People Speak!

Facebook. Love it or hate it, it is here to stay.

And it is changing our lives!

It is changing the way that we think about ourselves, our world and each other.

Before facebook when did you ever think that anyone wanted to know, or een cared, about the amazing meal you had last night, how sick you were feeling, or the new shoes you just got?

When did you consider that hundreds of people that you mostly know only slightly needed to know about your relationship and where it was headed?

We didn't. We told our few close friends and got on with our lives.

Now, if it isn't on facebook then it is almost not official.

EVERYONE wants to know, or at least we think they do, and so we must broadcast our lives, even the mundane and stupid bits.

It is also revolutionising the amount of say that people believe they have in public issues. I have been 'invited' to numerous rallies, projects, protests and petitions all calling for public change and awareness. People are more aware of their environment now and what is happening out there and we want a say! Just as we have a say on everything else through the wonderful world of the 'wall', so too do we now want to express our opinion on other stuff; important stuff!

Theological debates are also entered into by people who would never necessarily shared their faith publically before. People express their disgust or love of religion, they debate with people about their views, and everyone generally tries to evangelise the world with their 'right' thinking.

I confess, I do all of the above, the good and the bad, and though there are many stupid things on fb there are also many great things.

For example, I have been engaged in a conversation (or series of) with a young man who has given up his faith in order to 'think rationally' (his argument not mine). Of course, being me, I just had to, had to, put in my two cents (two dollars, two hundred dollars...) in. At times it has been heated, at others quite funny, and always very deep and searching.

I have loved this. I think anyone who is using their brain and searching for truth is on to something good. But what I have been more blown away with is the response of others.

I have been messaged by people I don't know saying that they are praying for our mutual friend. I have had others, again I don't know, message me to encourage or berate me for my stance. I have had people back up my statements, 'like' them, and challenge me. It is truly a communal disscusion that is occurring that is having an impact on many people around us.

People can't remain quiet in the face of something they believe in being challenged. It is a deeply ingrained part of us that requires us to speak out, yell, scream, or (in the examples seen in this blog) paint.

These pics are from street artists around the world who are commenting on what they see around them in the only way they know how; by painting it on walls.

They are creating a renewable, contemporary commentary of their culture and environment. Like fb they are writing up on a 'wall' what is occurring around them because they cannot be silent. Their humanness cries out to be heard over the devastation and pain that they witness. Like my friend they are writing up in public view what they believe and what they question.

For the same reason that I write this blog, my friend debates faith on fb and these painters put up pictures around their cities, asking the general population to engage in the issue, to think deeply and to reflect on their lives. Their art does what an fb 'invite' does for us.

This world is so messed up. Our relationships with each other and with creation are so out of whack that many of us are lonely while living in cities. Though technology has it's flaws, there are times when I can celebrate what occurs due to our ability to connect with others anywhere, anytime.

There is hope for us yet.

Jesus Buzz

It's Monday and I am just about to start work after getting up at the ungodly hour of 6am.

I went to church last night so I am feeling pretty good right about now.

I got my holy on, my Jesus buzz, my praise tank is on full.

Cause that's what church is about right, getting a good 'hit' of the Holy Spirit (or HS-ay (pronounced hizzay) as we that are close to it like to call it) because for the rest of the week it will slowly leak out of our pores until next Sunday when we can refill.

Sounds good to me.

Sounds good to you.

It's all gravy except it is WRONG!!!!!

Church does make me feel good and holy and close to God, and I can't say that 6am mornings really have the same impact on me, but is this really what church is for?

Is it there to fulfill our own selfish need to feel Godly?

This is the problem with basing our faith and our churches on how we feel. Feelings are fickle, they change from one day to the next. For example, today I may feel like the sexiest beast alive, but come tomorrow I may be complaining about feeling more like a whale. Nothing changed expect how I feel about the way I look.

It is the same with God and church.

I know too many people (and am guilty myself) who leave churches or move from one to the other because it wasn't what they were 'looking' for.

It didn't have the right kind of music.

Or the right kind of fired up preaching.

People didn't immediately embrace them as a long lost sibling as soon as they walked in the door.

Or maybe the colour scheme was distracting (I have heard that one...for serious!).

All of these things aren't about God. Nor are they about church. But they all somehow are mysteriously powerful enough in themselves to make people not get the Jesus buzz.

You know the "I-feel-so-good-right-now-I-just-wanna-praise-God" thing.

And if we don't get this 'hit' we feel like for the rest of the week that God is missing from our lives.

Oh sinful generation we are, how does God put up with us?

Church isn't about the spiritual high or about how we feel about the music/speaking/service.

It is about meeting with fellow believers who want to join together for a few hours a week to share their faith, admonish and teach each other and sing praises to the living God.

Anything else is selfishness.

It is not about you.

It never has been.

If you go into church asking what it will be doing for you then you have really missed the boat on this one.

And it doesn't stop on Sundays either!

That love for others that motivates you to meet with them every week and praise God in song is the same love that should be motivating you at work, at home and everywhere you are.

That same love for God that lifts your heart when you sing songs to him and hear a really heart felt sermon is the same love that should get you up each morning and put you to bed each night. It should be love for God that makes you want to please your bosses and do your job for his glory.

It is a love that doesn't leak out or fade.

God's love is the same everyday regardless how you feel about it.

It doesn't change, ever.

So if you are feeling like Monday has arrived and the Jesus-high is fading, then reassess your priorities when it comes to church.

And think, if God's love is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, then it is not him who is 'leaking' out during the week.

Maybe you just aren't looking for it.

The lie of 'I'

On Sunday hubby and I visited a church that we had never been to before. We aren't going to a church at the moment and both of us have been feeling that it is time that we found a place to worship and call 'home'. This church was amazing; we both felt loved and accepted as soon as we came in the doors (plus they give free proper coffee! I was sold).

Going to a church got me thinking about community. As we sang songs that sometimes were based on how 'I' worship God for what he has done for 'me' I started to get to ruminating.

What if I said there is no such thing as I?

I'm not crazy, bear with me and I will explain.

Though I am a person and I am an individual, I didn't get this way by myself.

I was born into a family. As a child I was completely dependent on my mother and father to survive. As I grew it was my family and friends that shaped my personality. Without them I wouldn't know if I was funny, annoying, loud, quiet etc. We only find out those things by being in contact with others.

As teenagers we like to think that the world revolves around us and that we can do whatever we like because it is MY life. However, very few teenagers I know like to be alone with no one to bounce off and tell them that they are ok and acceptable. They need their peer group to define them just as much as they protest they don't.

As adults we don't live as hermits (well, most of us don't). We find meaning in our relationships with others, our work, our hobbies. We need others to love us, to support us and to be with us when crap hits the fan.

We are defined by our relationships. We wouldn't know how to speak, what to think, how to act or anything without the people around us showing us, telling us and helping us.

We are made to be in community.

Which makes sense when you think that we have been made in the image of a God that is communal. The Trinity may be complex and impossible to explain but what I can say is that God hangs out (albeit with himself) and loves being with others.

So none of this is mind blowing stuff, lots of us have heard it before or know it implicitly.

But what if we apply this logic to church songs?

When I sing a song that says "I" am worshiping God, nothing is further from the truth. Someone else wrote the song, another person is playing it for me, others in my near vicinity are singing the same song and the words on the screen, that someone wrote up there for me, are telling me what to sing.

I am being told what to sing, how to sing, and the context in which I should sing.

This is the greatest act of community that happens in the church! Not even listening to sermons comes close.

So does it not make sense that we sing songs that recognise this amazing act of communal worship and that we celebrate what God is doing even in this simple act?

It is not about what God has done/is doing for me. It is not about what I am doing for God.

It is about the miraculous and beautiful event that occurs when people of all different walks and with different roles come together to piece together a song to worship the Creator of community.

And that is certainly something worth singing about.

Blessing or Burden?

Today I spent 4 hours on public transport.

Yep, that's right, four hours.

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that you would rather spend four hours being systematically tortured than spend it on a bus or a train sharing your space with other people who you don't know, can sometimes smell a bit funky, and can often be very noisy.

Either that or you are thinking I should get a car.

I almost agree with you. Nearly. But not quite.

You see I enjoy the bus.

You heard me,

  I enjoy it!

No I am not a sucker for punishment, nor am I masochistic, I genuinely love travelling on public transport. I think that it has got a bad rep really for all that it can offer.

For example:

Today I got to see a couple clearly in love holding hands and kissing. I saw a new baby, a toddler and several children who seemed thrilled to be on a bus. I saw an old man crack a joke to the bus at large and saw the smiles he brought to otherwise dour faces. I saw a pregnant wife being helped out of a seat by her husband. I saw a man mumbling to himself and looking like he had slept outside. I saw teenagers off to school and off to shop and off to smoke. I saw bus drivers wave at each other as they drove past. I held a lady up as she stumbled with the movement of the bus.

In short I saw humanity.

And the wonderful, glorious thing about the bus or train is that there is no status, no rich or poor, there are only people taking the bus. All of you are in it together.

And yet, also not.

Because each of us was in our own world. We were listening to music, reading books and staring out the window. Only the children and the one funny man really stepped outside their personal bubble and acknowledge the others on the bus. We were together and yet so alone.

I find travelling on the bus such a poignant reminder of the state of humanity. We are so beautiful yet so isolated from each other.

So instead of rushing to my next task for the day, on the bus I can sit and watch.

Instead of worrying about being late, I can relax because I can't get there any faster.

Instead of stressing about traffic, I contemplate the world and pray because I am not driving!

And instead of passing by people without a moments thought, instead I can take the time to look at them, wonder about their lives, pray for them and their families, and through it all I find my love for others and my love for their Creator deepening in my heart making me want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

Who knew public transport could be so theologically and spiritually rich!

Next time you are headed somewhere, maybe take the bus and be reminded of the people God sent us here to serve and to love.