All I Want For Christmas is EVERYTHING!!!

Christmas.

A time for family.

A time for holidays.

A time for presents.

A time for me to get totally pissed off at the world.

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is a Christmas Rant blog.

The hardest thing for me to decide while writing this blog is what pisses me off the most about what Christmas is in my Western, consumeristic, individualistic, narcissistic world. So I am gonna number them off, in no particular order, to help me not ramble too much and to keep the rage to the minimum.

THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF AT CHRISTMAS TIME:

1) Advertising.

Now advertising pisses me off most of the time. It is a constant in my life that I have become comforted by: when all else is falling apart I know that the TV will be a continuous and stable source of aggravation. But around Christmas time the advertising gurus go into overdrive. Buy this massive TV for your mum or you are an awful child. Buy your child this amazing gift they have never heard of but definitely need otherwise you are the worst parent in the world. 

But there is one thing that gets under my skin more than anything. The ads that tell me that I need to spoil myself this Christmas. If all the gifts from other people aren't enough or aren't really good enough, I should spend copious amounts of money on getting myself diamond earrings or a new outfit.

WHAT IN THE CHRISTMAS FUDGE NUGGET IS HAPPENING HERE????!!!!!

When the flip did we need to buy ourselves Christmas presents?? Have we become so self centred that the one day where OTHERS get to buy us a GIFT, as opposed to the 364 other days when we get to buy stuff for ourselves, is so crap, their gifts are so abysmal and depressing, that we reject them for what we can get because at least we will like that??

Come on people! I mean if you believe in nothing else about Christmas apart from family and fun and gift giving, then doesn't this mentality defeat the purpose? Haven't we killed Christmas, or what we believe Christmas to be, by making it about ourselves? Which leads me to…

2) It's ALL about family.

Family is great. We all love our families….most of the time.

But for some people, including me, we don't get to see our families at all around the Christmas season. This can be brutally painful, especially when it is shoved down your throat every second of the day for about 2 months leading up to the big day.

Happy families, family all together, go visit your family.

OK ALREADY! Let's just make us all feel so much worse for not being able to, thanks.

But not just that, when did family become such an idol of our society? What about inviting in strangers who have no where to go? What about helping the poor or homeless?

I have a Korean flatmate who told me that her tradition for her family and her church every Christmas is to visit the old and sick and to make them happy with gifts and singing. EVERY CHRISTMAS!!! I love this! When was the last time I though of people outside of my immediate circle for Christmas day?

3) Christmas songs.

I swear if I have to hear Snoopy's Christmas one more time while shopping I may start throwing things. I think this is slight post traumatic stress disorder from the year I went shopping in the Warehouse and this song was on a loop. I drove me mental and I can no longer hear that song without wanting to rip my ears off.

But I digress.

Christmas songs are loved by many people but because of my Christian beliefs and my life in NZ I find them increasingly bizarre. My beliefs tell me that Christmas has a meaning, namely the birth of Jesus, and Christmas songs seem so hollow and shallow when they are about presents and missing people etc and not about the actual reason for the event. I also have only ever once had a winter Christmas (in England in my teens) and so songs about white christmas's and running through snow really seem counterintuitive to me, which explains…

4) the New Zealand inability to create their own cultural Christmas

In NZ we seem unable to celebrate Christmas without the fake snow decorations, snow flakes stencilled on walls, snow men, and Christmas songs clearly singing about the Northern Hemisphere. We do have a couple of crappy Christmas songs about celebrating on the beach, and one (which I actually love) called Te Haranui about the first Christmas service in NZ (which will be celebrating 200 years next Christmas!!). But we seem to be so influenced by America and England that we can't break this trend. We will decorate Christmas trees with snow flakes and then go out to the beach for a swim. We will play Christmas songs about reindeer while cruising with our windows down in 25+ degrees C. It's nuts. It's a cultural schizophrenia.

Surely there is a way to do Christmas in a way that is authentically Kiwi without missing out anything important.

5) People who gripe about Christmas without seeing the good in it.

Just when you thought I was the grinch come to steal your fun and joy, I come out with that stunner.

I may have issues with Christmas and what it has become, but I love the idea of getting together with loved ones, celebrating Jesus' birth, swapping gifts, and spending a day having fun. Celebrations are important and this is one worth doing well. I love Christmas. I love going to church and knowing that every where around the world my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ are remembering this same moment, that we are joined in celebration on this one day. I love buying people gifts and seeing them laugh and smile when I give it to them. I love decorating and cooking and the build up. I love watching my niece and nephews freak out on too much sugar and presents. I love remembering that I have a God that loves to celebrate too, that Jesus' birth had singing angels and presents and wandering strangers welcomed into it.

But I don't love what we have made it into. I don't want everything I see for Christmas, but I do want a small thing that someone has thoughtfully chosen for me. I don't want crappy, meaningless Christmas songs, but I do want carols that retell the story of Jesus birth. I don't want to make it all about me or just family, but I do want to celebrate it with people I love. 

So what do you want for Christmas, and are you celebrating well?

Run Fat Girl, Run!!!!

The other day I had a crisis.

I wanted to go for one of my mega walks but when I went through the clean washing disaster struck.

My sports bra had broken.

Now if you are a woman like me and perhaps weigh a few big macs more than a happy meal, not having a sports bra when exercising is a problem of monumental size (no pun intended!!). I need a sports bra! I MUST HAVE A SPORTS BRA!

So I went shopping (thank you hubby's plastic card) and I was faced with a dilemma that strikes me every time I look for sports gear:

The world does not want big women to exercise.

Oh believe me, the world TELLS big women to exercise. Read any magazine, health website, or watch TV and very soon you will realise that being big is THE sin of today. You want to lose weight, you MUST lose weight, or you will die in your sleep TONIGHT!!!

If the bombardment of messages finally seeps through our fat layers to our simple minded brains (not me saying this, just the impression I get from the ads) then the first thing you MUST do is buy the equipment, work out gear and shoes.

Equipment: check. Shoes: check. Gear:…..

WHERE THE FLIPPIN' DO I BUY GEAR!!???

Sports clothes come in sizes that may cover my forearm and nothing else. If I am to look at sports clothes and deduce anything it is that skinny people love to exercise, while big people don't go near the stuff.

Which may be true, I mean it wasn't through doing exercise that we put on the weight.

But if you are like me and you are sick of being big, then you need the clothes that won't fall apart as you walk down the road. You need support in all the normal places, plus probably a couple more. You need something that will stop chaffing, will allow air flow, and won't show the sweat patches that arrive as soon as you stand up from the couch (oh yeah, I am sexy).

But when you go shopping, you can find none…of….these.

Bike shorts? Forget it. Good tops? No can do. Sports bra? Only if you are the size of a skinny teenager.

Even if you want to buy scales to keep track of your weight, most of the at home ones only go up to 120kg. Now this is a lot but I weigh more and these scales do NOT like being pushed beyond their limits. I should know, I broke my mothers.

So what is one to do? Believe the ads that tell you to move that lazy ass, or to believe the shops that tell you that you don't really want to do anything more than walking around the said shop and then going home for a lie down.

Luckily I eventually found what I was looking for (at 3x the price of the smaller sizes) (if you need to know where I went message me and I will let you know) but the mixed signals and the frustration of feeling like the world wants something for you but won't support you in it was almost enough to put me off.

This new bra better last forever, that's all I am saying.

A Long Walk To Wedgies

I am starting training for my walk from one end of the country to the other for charity (see here and here for more info). This training involves going for a 2 hour walk as many times as I can a week. Hopefully I will get up to once a day. At the moment it is once every other day.

And here is why:

This is the conversation my body and I have every morning before, during, and after my 8km walk. Enjoy.

ME: Alarm has gone off, time to get up.

BODY: I don't wanna

ME: Come on, you know you will feel great if you get up for a walk.

BODY: Nope. I hate you.

ME: Ok, seriously, you can't do this to me every morning! We need to get up!

BODY: You suck. You go for a walk but I am staying in this nice comfy bed.

ME: I am giving you to the count of three to get your lazy ass out of bed.

BODY: *blows raspberry*

ME: 1……

BODY: Can't make me

ME: 2……

BODY: But you love your bed!

ME: 3…….

BODY: HA! didn't work!

ME: GET OUT OF BED!

BODY: Geez, ok, you don't have to yell or anything.

ME: *putting on shoes*

FEET: What? What is this? I was sleeping? Wait…..I know these shoes…..DEAR GOD NO! Run feet, run, get away before she puts those mmmnnnfffdmmmmdmd the rest is muffled by shoe)

Me: *start walking*

LEGS: What? Wasgoingon? I didn't sign up for this! The sun isn't even up properly!

ME: Come on guys, just a little bit faster.

LEGS: I HATE YOU! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!

ME: It's not for long.

LEGS: LIAR!!!!! We already hurt! Take us home NOW!

ME: *getting into the rhythm of walking*

BUTT: Hold the phone, who woke us up?

LEGS: It's the b***h we are attached to. She feels the need to abuse us again.

BUTT: But I am her favourite! She never makes me do anything! She just puts me on a comfy seat and that is me set for the day.

LEGS: Well aren't you lucky, she hates us, but not as much as feet.

FEET: mmmmmmmnnnnfffddmmmdddffff

BUTT: Shut up feet, we are hurting up here.

ME: *starts puffing*

LUNGS: Can…'t…..bre….athe…..

ARMS: Oh look, another nice day to be swung about.

BUTT, LEGS: SHUT UP ARMS!

FEET: mmmsshshsmmmttt

BRAIN: ok guys, ok, I got this, I will have a chat to her and sort out this obvious mix up.

BRAIN: Hi honey, whacha doing?

ME: Walking, getting fit.

BRAIN: Why you wanna do that for?

ME: Good for me.

BRAIN: Ok, I get it, you feel the need to better yourself. Hey, I am all for that, do it all the time. But you see, the rest of the body is in revolt.

ME: Suck it up, pain is good.

BRAIN: Now you and I both know that that is a lie. So how bout we just make it a short one this morning? You still went for a walk, you still feel good. But the rest of body feels good too. Whaddya say?

ME: No.

BRAIN: Ok, ok, I hear ya. How bout, you take the next turn back home, avoid the big hill, just walk the flat bit and take it easy? I am all for this pushing yourself thing, but Legs, they just don't get it.

ME: Must…keep….going

BRAIN: Well this is just silliness. There is the turn, come on, take it now, it's passing Christine, you going past it.

ME: Have to do the whole thing.

BRAIN: Ok, no worries, there is a short cut coming up and….

ME: NO.

BRAIN: It's no good guys, she won't budge.

LEGS, BUTT, ABS: WHAT??

FEET: wffffaaammmmm

BRAIN: OH, hello Abs, when did you wake up?

ABS: About 5 mins ago, really starting to ache, what is she thinking?

BRAIN: Well, apparently she feels the need to get fit. Apparently we aren't good enough the way we are anymore.

BUTT: Bloody hell.

LEGS: We have to convince her to stop!

FEET: mmmmnnnfnffffgggnnmm

ABS: What? What did Feet say?

BRAIN: I believe they were saying to give her hell.

LEGS: Challenge accepted.

ME: Oh God, I hurt so much. I can't go on!

BRAIN: I told you. I told you this would happen.

ME: I think I have blisters all over my feet.

BRAIN: Yes well, Feet won't really be pleased with that. 

ME: I don't know if I can keep going.

BRAIN: So stop. Look, there is a nice wall. Have a sit down and call hubby on your phone and get him to pick you up.

ME: No…I can do this.

BRAIN: Seriously? Can you feel your body right now?

ME: I can do this!

ME: Woop woop! I did it!! I got home!!

BODY: *collapses*

BRAIN: *Switches off*

ME: *lying on floor half dead*

Treat 'Em Like A Lady

I don't know how far the story of 'Roast Busters' has spread. I don't know if anyone outside of NZ has heard this phrase or all that it entails, but for those of you who are currently sitting there with bemused expressions wondering if I am talking about some sort of comedic toasting of the rich and famous, here is the brief outline of what has happened recently in my little ole country:

It came to light a few weeks ago that two teenage boys were running a Facebook page called 'Roast Busters'. This is in reference to roasting a pig on a spit. This will become clear to you later will disgust you. Be warned. These two young men have been, for the last two years (!!!), getting young girls drunk, often under age, and then having group sex with them, filming it,then naming and shaming the girls online (understand the pig reference yet??). There have been some girls who have come forward to the police and have been told that their behavior led to the incident so it was taken no further. It has also come out that one of the young men is a police mans son. No charges have been laid as of yet.

That is the short version. I am cutting out the outrage that has been sparked across the country, the women that have come out speaking against, and for, the young men's actions, and the plethora of comments that have implied, or outright said, that the girls were asking for it by getting drunk. Never mind that sex with a minor if illegal anyway. Never mind that this is coercion. Never mind that the boys involved acted in a despicable manner.

But this is not another rant about that, there are many other people who have said all that and much better than me. I am praying that the outrage will cause some kind of action at a political and legal level.

What I am interested in is how these boys think that what they did was ok?

And this got me to thinking - have we as a society ever taught them any different?

Children in this secular society are brought up being told that each to their own, every body is allowed to believe what they want, act as they want, have their own morality. Our tv shows teach that women are property, that they are sex objects that are only worth the amount of sexual desire they inspire. Porn is now a norm for our teenagers, it is abnormal to find a teenager that hasn't seen porn, and these videos, often violent, show women being degraded and enjoying it and these videos are the first sexual education our children are receiving. Advertising teaches girls that they have to be sexy, dress provocatively, and be cute, rather than smart, to get attention. Tell me which a teenage girl is going to choose book work over a cute boy? Boys are taught to be strong, to go and get what they want, and that "boys will be boys". Girls are sluts if they have sex, boys are legends. Fathers who would kill any boy that comes within ten feet of their daughters will turn around and pat their sons on the back when they lose their virginity.

This is what those two boys were brought up with. And then when they live it out they are destroyed for putting it into practice.

Can we really be that shocked that this has happened? Angry, yes. Disgusted, absolutely. But shocked? And should we be angry at two young boys who are products of their society or at the society which created them? How many 'Roast Busters' have to happen before porn is made illegal and taken off the Internet? How many girls have to be humiliated and destroyed before the legal system becomes victim friendly rather than disbelieving? How many young boys become distorted and destructive men before we wake up and realize that we need to do this very differently?

I don't care what religious persuasion you are, all of us can realize that this behavior destroys our humanity. And it highlights the importance of community, and the responsibility we all have to each other. Where were these girls friends? Parents? Why are their parents silent? Do their parents know? What is happening at home that they will act like this at such young ages? Are the schools aware of at risk teenagers? Are the neighbors? When does it stop becoming 'their issue' and starts becoming OUR children, our country, our world that is being destroyed by this? 

I am so angry at this situation I can't even express it. It makes me feel physically sick. But I am just as sad for the boys as I am for the girls. They have ruined their lives beyond their understanding. They have destroyed something about their humanness by acting in such a way. They have made a country hate them and will, if justice exists, spend time in prison. All because they acted out what they learned.

Maybe boys will be boys because they were never taught to be men...

Temptation and Weakness (or Reverting Back to my 16 year old Self)

Something happened to me last night. It hasn't happened for a long time. It happened in front of a couple of friends. It shocked and worried my husband. It left me broken and disgusted with myself, and embarrassed that I had sunk so low so fast.

What could possibly have happened I hear you ask?

I binged.

I gorged, overate, over-indulged, ate myself sick.

I at pizza and a really yummy dessert and I went totally overboard. And then, after I had gone to bed, I lay there thinking about the left overs in the fridge. So in the morning, for breakfast, I did it again.

I haven't done this is so long that is scared my husband. He was immediately asking me what was wrong, why I was doing this to myself. I ate my concoction of chocolate chips, cream, and flake chocolate and told him that nothing was wrong. I then I felt sick. And my first thought was to purge, something I haven't done in many many years. 

And then I started to think that maybe hubby was seeing something I wasn't, that maybe something was really wrong and I was missing it. 

Food is a drug to me. It has been for as long as I can remember. I have learned to control it somewhat. I no longer binge like I use to (save the last 24 hours) and I eat to maintain my body rather than to find solace or comfort. And so when something like this happens it is like an alcoholic picking up a glass of beer and sculling it. It means that something is very wrong and I really need to start analysing my behaviour.

In the past an episode like that would have spun me out of control. 24 hours would have moved into a week or a month or eating badly and too much. My shame and disgust with myself would feed my addiction and I would have turned to food to cover what my eating had caused. I would have used it as an excuse to continue eating without thought for my health.

This time I did something radically different.

I sat with hubby and talked it out. We discovered that I have been feeling exhausted and stressed. We have moved house this week also and so all our good routines went out the window the last 7 days. We also have taken in a teenager and that change in life has meant many other things have taken a back seat. All of these issues subconsciously triggered a binge of epic proportions that could have undone all my good work in losing weight if I had listened to those around me, namely my husband, telling me I was acting abnormally.

So instead of eating more, or mentally beating myself up, or 101 other destructive things I could have done, I went and had a sleep, then cleaned my fish tank, and ran some errands. I started a weekly menu board for dinners so I am more prepared and more organised in life to bring some routine back into it. And after I have finished this I am going to go for a walk and get some good endorphins flowing.

Life is hard and we slip up.

I wanted to write this to show that I am human, that I fall off the wagon, but it is what we do afterward, how we react to our mistakes, that defines us.

I had a moment. A bad moment. But not a moment that will destroy me or continue any longer. I will listen to those that care about me, take steps to put things in place to stop me falling down again, and move on.

I know I have readers that struggle with their weight, and I know that many of them will relate to this post. What I want you to take away from this is that there is hope, but only in community. There is strength, but only if you first rely and rest on others. There is continuation, but only if you first stop and take stock.

I may have lost this small skirmish, but it will in no way affect the outcome of the war.

The Battle of the Bulge and the Strength of Community.

Ah weight issues, my old nemesis. 

Yet again we meet. 

 I saw you just this morning as I walked passed my mirror and was determined not to acknowledge your presence.

I almost could pretend that you didn't whisper in my ear as I ate a muffin.

I nearly ignored you completely as I tried on a new dress. 

You keep showing your ugly face, your sneer and hateful words are expected and put up with on many days, despite how much I would rather tell you to piss off.

I hate you and you scare me, but for some reason I have put up with you for so many years that I am not sure how I would be without you anymore.

But I am learning.

Last week I stood in front of several groups of people whose eyes told me that they knew you intimately.

In those groups your presence was very much alive and well.

And yet it was in those very places, where I expected you to be strongest, you were at your weakest.

Somehow, as we looked at each other and talked about you, it was there that you failed to have control.

There you were named properly and seen for what you really are; something that can be defeated and controlled.

I saw your influence and at the same time I saw your weakness.

These fighters are not giving up.

I do not fight you alone.'

We shall overcome.

Why I will be a Christian....Always (part two to 'Why I Can't be a Muslim....Ever')

This post has been a long time coming but I finally made it!! Life has been a bit crazy hectic so apologies to all those who have been holding your breath since part one. You can now all partake in oxygen again.

In part one I explained that I have been studying Islam and, though I have Muslim friends and love them dearly, I find the faith somewhat difficult to accept due to four main points: 1) Muhammad - not the best example of a loving person, 2) the Qur'an - not historically reliable or accurate, 3) the role of women - not seen as equal to men, and 4) the freedom to choose not to believe - it doesn't exist. 

It is only fair then that I now critique my own faith from these four points as well. There is no point me questioning someone else's faith and not looking at mine own through the same lens. So here we go:

1) Jesus - a man I would like to emulate

When looking at the life of Muhammad, according to Islamic scripture, he progresses from a place of relative peace to one where he wages war on his enemies. This is not unusual for the time he lived in and is not shocking that he did so. But Jesus IS shocking!

In a time where it made more sense for a man to proclaim salvation by freeing the known world from out of under the thumb of Rome, Jesus came proclaiming peace. And not only did he say it, he lived it! He never acted in a way that was non-peaceful towards people, he always showed love, and his teachings didn't change as the time went by. In fact, he was so shocking I his message that the crucified him (which is a historical fact that can be verified outside of christian scripture) and he didn't fight back! He showed respect to all people of all walks of life, including his enemies the Romans, and loved all he met. 

If faith was only based on emulating the founders of our faiths, I much prefer Jesus to Muhammad. His message speaks to me about love and respect of all, and his life lives it out. The same cannot be said of Muhammad, even within Islamic scripture.

2) The Bible - historically verifiable

Where the Qur'an raises many questions about historical reliability, the Bible does not have the issues. The New Testament gospel, the books about Jesus' life, can be dated to within one lifetime of his death. They are written with eye witnesses still living. There is also evidence found in sources outside of the scripture by enemies of the church. For example, the Jewish historian Josephus talks about Jesus, which is unusual if it didn't make a splash in the time he was writing. There are also a lot of historical markers within the text that point to exactly when events were occurring. The author Luke often notes the main rulers and events of the time to help guide the readers in understanding when events were happening. These can be verified historically. There is much more to say on this, such as the number of copies of biblical scrolls and writings that have been found and tested against each other for the reliability of the script, but essentially, in terms of historicity, the Bible wins the contest hands down when compared to the Qur'an. Being the nut I am for history, I much prefer knowing the scriptures of my faith can be verified and are believable historically.

3) the Role of Women - loved and respected

Though many people think that women in the bible are often subjugated, this is a misunderstanding. Due to the times it was written in, it would not be unusual to find no women mentioned at all! But this is not the case. All through the Bible women are pivotal in major events, showing God's love to the people, being leaders, shakers and movers. The respect and love that is shown to women by Jesus and his followers is astounding considering the rest of society. Women are not marginalized or seen as second class citizen but are held up as part of the image of God, created to be an equal part of creation and in doing God's work. They are celebrated, audacious, brace, strong, loved, forgiven, and redeemed. The women in the Bible are not at all told to sit down and shut up but are encouraged to seek after God and to lead. As a woman, this encourages me no end in my faith.

4) Freedom to Believe

In Islam there is a strong line of thinking that says 'once a Muslim, always a Muslim' with dire penalties if one tries to change their faith. This is not the same in Christianity. Christianity believes that anyone has the freedom to accept and reject God at anytime. It is the gift of free will that God has given us. God tries to show us in scripture why it is in our very nature to worship something, and that the best something to worship is the one who gives life and love (I.e. God) but we are not robots made to bow to God and worship. We can choose whatever path we want but it is only in God that true freedom, love, and peace can be found. It is only in God that our identity is complete and we can live life to its fullest. But if we choose not to, or we reject what we previously believed, God still loves us the same! It is our choice to follow and it is God's choice to love us unconditionally despite that. Every choice we make has consequences but there is no threat of death or violence from the community of believers if someone leaves because we believe that, as God continues to love, so shall we. I like that.

For all of you who are new to my blog and who don't know me, I didn't always like Christianity. I searched and studied and lived my own way until I made up my mind what faith to follow. I still study, I don't believe that I know everything about the Truth, but nothing I find measures up to the grace of God as found in the Bible. Nothing measure up historically, intelligently, humanly, womanly (?), or anything else. When I realized what it was to follow a God who demanded only that I love God and love others, and who gave me life, love, freedom, and forgiveness in return, I found that I couldn't then deny it. 

All of us are on our own journeys. If you are searching, search well! Don't just believe because of bumper sticker doctrines and key catch phrases. Do your research, have a faith that is as intelligent as it is passionate. And may God guide you on your journey