Breaking Point

Losing weight is hard. Not just in the fact that you have to lose it but mentally and emotionally as well.

Tonight I broke down. I am so tired all the time from working out. I am not at the stage where I can eat bad foods in moderation and it still be ok; I have to avoid them pretty much all together to get to a healthy weight. I work all day and then come home to work out and then cook dinner and stay awake for a couple of hours and then crash only to wake up at 6am and do it all again without any energy to do it with.

And tonight I can't take it any more.

I want to not have to worry about what I eat or the impact it will have on my health.

I don't want to have to work out every day.

I want to be happy with my body without also working towards changing it.

I want the support of a community without feeling like I am letting everyone down if I don't push myself to breaking point.

I want to be able to lose 40kgs without it being a struggle, without having to battle my own head, without missing burger fuel and starbucks frappes.

I want a quick fix that doesn't take two weeks and only get rid of 500gs.

I want to cry with them seemingly hopelessness of it and the fact that I have no one to blame expect myself for putting me in the position of having to lose weight.

Tonight I understand why people give up and return to old lifestyles.

Tonight I understand why people hate their personal trainers.

Tonight I feel desperate for the motivation to keep going.

Tonight I realise how alone one is when battling the bulge. No one can do it for me.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but tonight I am at breaking point.

No one ever talks about this stage and I wonder if it is just me. I also wonder if I have hit it quicker than anyone else and what that says about me. I am angry with myself for feeling like this and even wanting to give up and yet I am trying to be nice to myself so I can convince myself to do it.

How do you love your body when you know it HAS to change? How do you accept yourself when your weight is unacceptable?

I don't know if I should post this, if people really want to hear this cry of my heart, but maybe you are reading this and are glad to know someone else out there feels it too.

The world sets out to sell you fatty food and then tells you you have to lose weight. Seriously God, haven't I got through enough already!!?

Tonight life just seems a bit unfair and I am feeling more than a little sorry for myself.