Breaking Point

Losing weight is hard. Not just in the fact that you have to lose it but mentally and emotionally as well.

Tonight I broke down. I am so tired all the time from working out. I am not at the stage where I can eat bad foods in moderation and it still be ok; I have to avoid them pretty much all together to get to a healthy weight. I work all day and then come home to work out and then cook dinner and stay awake for a couple of hours and then crash only to wake up at 6am and do it all again without any energy to do it with.

And tonight I can't take it any more.

I want to not have to worry about what I eat or the impact it will have on my health.

I don't want to have to work out every day.

I want to be happy with my body without also working towards changing it.

I want the support of a community without feeling like I am letting everyone down if I don't push myself to breaking point.

I want to be able to lose 40kgs without it being a struggle, without having to battle my own head, without missing burger fuel and starbucks frappes.

I want a quick fix that doesn't take two weeks and only get rid of 500gs.

I want to cry with them seemingly hopelessness of it and the fact that I have no one to blame expect myself for putting me in the position of having to lose weight.

Tonight I understand why people give up and return to old lifestyles.

Tonight I understand why people hate their personal trainers.

Tonight I feel desperate for the motivation to keep going.

Tonight I realise how alone one is when battling the bulge. No one can do it for me.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but tonight I am at breaking point.

No one ever talks about this stage and I wonder if it is just me. I also wonder if I have hit it quicker than anyone else and what that says about me. I am angry with myself for feeling like this and even wanting to give up and yet I am trying to be nice to myself so I can convince myself to do it.

How do you love your body when you know it HAS to change? How do you accept yourself when your weight is unacceptable?

I don't know if I should post this, if people really want to hear this cry of my heart, but maybe you are reading this and are glad to know someone else out there feels it too.

The world sets out to sell you fatty food and then tells you you have to lose weight. Seriously God, haven't I got through enough already!!?

Tonight life just seems a bit unfair and I am feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

First Hurdle

By now most people I know are aware of the fact that I am trying desperately to lose weight. I have a goal weight and time frame and I am making the lifestyle changes to match.

Before I go on to tell you how I am doing on this front, I thought I would give you a little insight into how I got to the place where my weight was an issue at all. Perhaps talking about it will overcome some of the insecurities I (and others) feel about losing weight.

(me as a bubba..awwwwwww....)

Weight for me has been an issue in my mind for as long as I can remember. As I child I LOVED sweet foods (still do as a matter of fact) and my parents became concerned about it and so stopped giving any of us children dessert. Talk about guilt! It was my fault that my siblings were missing out too.

(me age 2)

My first day of school started by me, a very happy and outgoing child, walking up to a young boy and saying hello. He looked at me and said "you're fat". I found out many years later he was new in the country and they were only two of the handful of words he knew, but for my sensitive wee heart they cut like a knife.

It got worse at school. Confusion over an incident with a friend's sandwich ended up with me being branded a food thief. And then at age 12 my late grandmother told me that I was fat because my parents didn't love me enough and would  put me in the highchair as a baby with bread to eat to make me shut up. My mother cried when she heard that I had been told this and swears it wasn't true.

At age 16 I was sexually violated by a young man and was called all sorts of names at school because of it. My life was spinning out of control so I began to control the only thing I could. Namely, my food. I would binge of food and then force myself to vomit it all up again. In one week I dropped two dresses sizes and my father was so proud that I was getting skinny. I learnt that it was better to be skinny than to be healthy and I continued to binge and purge for years.

(me age 16)

At around the same age I went for a trip to England (where the photo above was taken) and discovered over there my first stretch marks. I was mortified and believed that I was hideously fat. My parents responded by saying that I had put on weight and so they bought me a gym pass so I could work it off. I became addicted to exercise and worked myself into the ground. By the end of the 7th form year I looked like this:

(me age 17/18)

A couple of years later I was married to a man who kept me locked in the house with nothing to do all day except eat and smoke. I ballooned from 65kg to near 200kg in three years. I knew my ex wouldn't come near me if I was fat and unattractive and so I didn't try to lose the weight. When he cheated my father told him (and me) that it was understandable because I was an embarrasment to take out. 

The lowest point in my life was when I was left outside I movie theatre where my ex was watching a movie because I didn't fit in the seats.

(me age 23)

Ever since then I have been battling the bulge. Part of me didn't want to lose it because it kept me safe from leering men. And yet I have always wanted to regain a body that I could be proud of. It is hard to do when the only memories you have of being skinny are dark and depressing.

I have been going strong for three weeks and encountered my first hurdle. I felt so discouraged that all my effort to eat healthy and exercise hadn't shown immediate results. Call me naieve if you wish but I kinda expected it to fall off me. And it's not. But the love and support I have received from people has been overwhelming and I want to take this moment to say thank you. It is because of you that this journey is free of pain and depression. You are forming good memories for me and you are making this something I want to do and am enjoying doing.

Words cannot express how much it means to me. Each small comment of support has helped heal my heart around this issue and I love you for it.

I want to say to anyone who has weight issues and has faced any of the stuff that I have that you are not in this alone. You do not have to do this alone. Even if you tell one or two trusted people who will love you it is so good for your heart to have them support you. YOU CAN do this!!

And for anyone who has stories that would like to share of weight loss and/or overcoming obstacles in their life, please share, it helps more than you know.

Why can't we all just get along???

I started a new job this week and one of the blessings (and burdens) of this particular position is that I get to spend 90% of my time with this one particular woman.

She is lovely and caring but she also talks an awful lot and doesn't like to think about things too much. And before I get any funny comments about how we should get along perfectly then (you can't make them, I have preempted you!) I actually find this way of looking at the world quite a challenge.

For example:

This lady found out that I had studied theology and exclaimed that all she wanted was for all the religions of the world to realise that they all worship one 'Supreme Being' and then we could all get along.

I have to say that this stumped me for quite a while. Though I knew some people in the world thought like this I have never encountered one myself and wasn't entirely sure how to engage in this conversation. Half of me wanted to laugh, the other half wanted to cry.

Why do I find this such a difficult subject to talk about you ask?

It is because there is no answer apart from agreeing with the statement that is not going to offend or anger. Unless I say 'yes, of course we all worship the same God' then I am going to tell her that something she believes in is simply wrong.

And no one likes hearing that.

Because the truth is, no one who takes their religion seriously agrees with this statement.

We would fight, argue and die for our beliefs because we believe them to be true.

We are making a truth statement every time we say 'Jesus is the only way to God' that immediately rules out, disagrees with, and calls every other  religion, in short, a liar.

And that is why religions will never get along.

Every religion on the planet believes that the others are heresy. We want to save and convert and enlighten all those that do not believe our faith because we believe it to be true.

If what you believe in, what shapes and guides your life, is challenged and called heresy by someone else you aren't going to take to kindly to them are you?

I eventually did answer this lady. I told her that I didn't believe in violence and I did believe in respecting all people as made in the image of God and loved by him, but there was no way that I could agree with the statement that we all worship the same God.

She laughed and went on to teach me about my star sign....

Not everything makes you stronger.

Today I was flicking through FB updates, as I am sure all of you have been doing, and I saw some (supposedly) inspirational 'Christian' messages that, frankly, pissed me off.

Now this may seem like an extreme reaction but it just so happens that at this very point in time I am working my way through the book of Job and it really has a lot to say to these well meaning but very off putting posts.

To summarise, both of these posts said things along the lines of "Are you struggling? Don't worry about it, it is just God making you stronger".

Now on the surface this seems like a harmless thing to say and might raise the spirits of those who are struggling. I know many people who would believe it too.

But is it Gospel? 

Is this the way we want to portray God in our struggles?

What about a child that has been repeatedly sexually abused by her uncle? Is she being made stronger by the struggles she is going through?

Or the mother who has just lost her son to suicide. Is this going to make her stronger? Is God using this situation to teach her something?

Or the families in countries like Uganda. Maybe the mother has AIDS, the children are starving and the father has no work. Is God going to use watching his family die to make him a stronger man?

NO!!!!

God is not like this!

God is not some cruel sadist who uses the situations to teach us something. He is with us in those struggles yes, but as a teacher? No.

Job was a man who loved God and honoured him with all he did. In a matter of days he watched all his children die, his house and belongings be destroyed, and he ended up with a skin condition that left him with welts all over his body.

His friends came to see him and sit with him in his struggle. Some of them told him it was his fault, he was being punished by God. Others told him it was a test and he needed to prove his worth before God.

Both of these views are summed up in the idea that God uses our struggles to make us stronger. He is testing us or punishing us in order to teach us something.

Both of these ideas are ultimately refuted by God in the end of Job's story.

So where is God in the midst of our suffering if he is not using it to makes us better?

I need to use some of my own experiences to explain this.

My experiences in life nearly destroyed me. I was a burnt out, obese mental case with a drinking and smoking problem by the time God stepped in (see my blog "My Story").

It wasn't my experiences that made me stronger. No amount of sexual abuse, alcohol abuse or depression can teach you to be stronger. And God didn't use them that way.

Rather it was my experience of GOD that made me stronger. It was his love, his healing hand, his peace, and the fact that I knew he was as angry and upset at what had been done to me as I was that grew me into the person I am.

He never asked me to look at my experiences as anything other than the awful, soul destroying, upsetting events that they were. There is NOTHING good about them, nothing redeeming, nothing uplifting that can be taken from some of the things I have been through. But there is redemption in the name of Jesus. And it was that, not the crap, that helped me grow.

The same can be said of Job. After his friends talk he cries out to the Lord seeking answers for the pain and grief that he is experiencing. And it is the power and strength and majesty of God that gives him peace, NOT the death of his children, not the loss of his possessions and not the illness that plagues him. Yes, he gets more children in the end, but do you think he forgets the sadness and pain of the death of the first lot?

God isn't using our crap to teach us stuff. Sh*t happens, it's life and the nature of a fallen world that awaits the return of Christ. BUT he is in these times with us, crying with us and bringing us peace and strength to move forward.

To say otherwise makes God a monster and trivializes people's pain and suffering.

We live moments of pain and can carry that pain and sadness with us for the rest of our lives.

I am just grateful that I believe in a God who conquered death and that one day, not in this life time, I will know no more pain, cry no more tears and see no more death.

Prostitution Anyone?

Prostitution.

The act of selling one's body for profit.

Now, fortunately or unfortunately depending on which side of the fence you are standing, a legal and perfectly legitimate job choice.

Did you know that prostitutes can get ACC to cover RSI (repetitive stress injury) in their jaw?? For real.

Just saying.

This has never been a profession that I have shortlisted as something I would be interested in. But I seem to have this uncanny, and slightly worrying, knack of being able to associate everyday normal things with the not so 'normal'.

Like job interviews and prostitution.

Call me crazy but selling myself has never appealed to me, and so I have been recently shocked to discover that this is exactly what was required of me!

First I have to write up a resume explaining how amazing I am. This is accompanied by a letter telling the employer that I am waaaaaaay better for them than any of my competition. This is then (hopefully) followed by an interview where my entire person has to be summed up and put on display for 15 minutes while someone decides whether or not they want to pay me for my time.

I feel like a prostitute.

Perhaps not in body (though some jobs do specifically ask for people who 'look' a 'certain way' to fit the company 'branding'. Don't believe me? Try and get a job at Supre when you are a woman of my size and they sell things that wouldn't fit around one of my thighs!) but I am still trying to present my self in order to get paid.

There is something very wrong with this!!

As a Christian I believe in the fundamental worth of all human beings. I do not believe in pitting one against the other in order to see who comes out the winner. Nor do I like taking such a one dimensional view of people like the workforce does.

For example, say Fred and George are applying for the same job as a social worker. Fred has graduated with a degree in the appropriate field because he needed to get a degree with some kind of job security at the end of it. He actually doesn't like people very much but he is good a putting on the face to get through the day and his CV is immaculate.

George on the other hand didn't get a degree because he was staying at home to look after his younger siblings while his single mother worked two jobs. He has spent years working with at risk teenagers, spending time with the elderly, and looking after children at an after school programme. He has also worked extensively with his church youth group and pastoral care teams. He loves people and would put his heart and soul into the job even if it would require a little more training on behalf of the company.

Who would you hire?

Who would the company hire?

You may think this is a situation that would never happen. Unfortunately you would be wrong. 

If it isn't a degree you won't get a show in.

Because the interview process is all about selling your credentials, employers look for specific things and don't look at a person holistically. People who may deserve a fighting chance are passed over without a second look. Those that can fake it may very well make it on the backs of those who would work hard and with passion.

There has to be a better way. There must be.

What would you suggest?

Bbile Dxleisya

I have a illness. 

It seems to be quite a common illness among those I talked to.

Can it be cured? No one knows.

It's official title is Bbile Dxleisya (or Bible Dyslexia).

I am telling you that this is a major problem.

Its symptoms include getting confused by Paul's ramblings, never remembering the books of the Bible, watching the words all blur together when trying to read it, and quoting passages from the Bible always starting with "I think it goes something like..."

I don't know why this is happening to me. Maybe I was born with the problem.

Is there a solution?

 Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am an avid reader. I can read through 400+ pages of a book in one sitting and forget to have meals. 

My study looks like this:

And this:

And this:

because I don't have enough room for all my books to put them on shelves.

They are like my children. I would try and save them first from a fire disregarding most of my other possessions.

I read Shakespeare and Aristotle and not only understand them, I enjoy them.

Yet as soon as I pick up the Bible my first instinct is to sleep.

My second is to squint my eyes and try to understand Paul's circular arguments.

My third is to try for 5 mins and then move on to another book.

And I'm a THEOLOGY student!!!!

Does anyone else have this problem???? Tell me I am not alone in this, just to make me feel or good, or even if you actually struggle with this too :-)

It Is Well With My Soul

Since my last blog ("OK I'm TERRIFIED"), which was less than 24 hours ago (!!!), I have had such an overwhelming response that I need to say a few things about it.

First of all THANK YOU to the amazing people who have made me feel more supported than I ever have in my entire life. I need to thank these people in name but please READ what has happened coz some of it is mind blowing.

Lucy Darymple: On Sunday (before I posted my blog) Lucy was at church and felt God telling her to give me a gym membership. Lucy was like "oh hells no, how do you tell a big person that they have to get their arse to the gym coz God said so and NOT offend them in the process?"

The next day I blogged.

Today she offered me a gym membership which I totally couldn't afford. I am so blessed by this that I am tearing up as I write. Thank you Lucy, you're amazingly epic.

Kent Hartmann, Fiona Sherwin, and Sam Tanner: for messaging such lovely comments to support and encourage me. I loved it!!

Shinai Goodwin: for ALWAYS being a rock for me and encouraging me. You are an amazingly beautiful woman.

Nick and Melissa Kalavati: for being the fittest people I know and never making me feel fat and lazy when I am with them. But immediately stepping up to the plate to help me out when I needed it.

With all this love and support there is no way I can fail!!

I would also like to mention the number of people who have said that my last post motivated them to get healthy.

Knowing that other people struggle (even the skinny ones) to be healthy and stay that way is so much help!

I don't feel alone in this at all any more and I just needed you to know how much love I feel from you all.

Blessings xxxx