Please, SHUT THE HELL UP

  

I have been through a fair amount in my life and like to think that I am a fairly accepting, easy going kinda gal.

But there are some things that really grind my gears.

I am talking fist forming, teeth grinding, 'stop talking for your own physical safety' kind of grinding.

The complete list of these topics and situations is way too lengthy to post here (hmmmmm.....maybe I am not so easy going after all) but there is one in particular that I want to bring to your attention.

THE CASE OF THE WELL MEANING BUT OBLIVIOUS ADVICE GIVER

As anyone who knows me can testify to, I love giving my opinion....on anything.....at any time. I know that it annoys people sometimes so I have learned, or am still learning, to shut the hell up and not assume people want to hear everything in my head. 

One of the reasons I have learnt this is because of the situation that I am about to outline.

Luke and I are poor. Not starving in Africa poor or living in the slums of India poor. We are still rich compared to most of the world. But relatively speaking we are not rich. We struggle to find money for everything, we often need people to help us out, and we have choose very carefully over what is a necessary buy and what is not. We also have a lot of debt from student loans etc and we live in a single room studio apartment in not the flashest (or anywhere close) part of town because we can't afford anything else. In short, we are like most students/beneficiaries/working class people.

I am trying to eat healthy. Family members are generously paying for me to attend weight watchers (coz I can't afford to pay for it) and I figure that to make good use of their money I need to eat well and put my all into it.

I don't know if you have been to a supermarket recently in NZ but there are a) not many choose from and b) not that much difference in their prices anyway. But I choose to shop at the one that has been tested as the cheapest to make my money go further. I budget, I list, and I shop carefully for bargains.

Despite these measures it is freaking hard to get good, healthy, nutritious food for our budget for three meals for seven days for two people. 

Good cuts of meat, decent fish, free range chicken? Forget about them. 

Enough fruit and vege for 5+ a day for two people that is decent quality and a good range? Bloody hard to find. 

Milk at nearly $2 a litre? Maybe, if there is enough money after everything else we have to get.

Tampons? Pads? Tissues? Nice soap? Good toothpaste? Or, for those of you like me who started going grey at 14, hair dye so you don't get mistaken for your husbands mother? Luxuries that need to be seriously considered if bought at all.

Apart from the huge inequality these prices make in living standards between the rich and those of us who aren't so rich, I really feel for people who may not know how to make healthy choices and see the choice as being between milk at $2 a litre or coke for $2 for 1.5 litres. Or apples at $5 a kilo or snack bars for $3 a pack of 6. If you are pinching pennies it is hard not to go for the bargains and get a trolley full of food.

But what is worse than this blatant inequality, what is worse than this pricing of essentials too high to afford, is the advice I have been given about how to deal with it.

I have been told, by numerous people, that I am simply wrong, that you can eat healthy for the same amount of money for the same amount of food.

Really? What planet are you living on?

What is worse is that nearly all of these people are wealthy and who wouldn't give up the luxuries that they are telling me to give up.

Would you be annoyed if you had to give up your favourite body wash? Would you be upset if the color of your hair made you look 20 yrs older than you are? Would you be annoyed if you had to choose quantity for your family over quality?

Would you be upset if you had to give up anything that you currently take for granted?

Then why can't poorer people be annoyed too??

What makes them less entitled to this stuff than the rich?

How is it fair for rich people to assume that poorer people should just be ok with what they can get, not what they want?

And why the hell should I listen to someone who has never had to consider getting a food parcel from the food bank, who has never had to decide whether tampons are a necessary expense, and who has never had to make the choices about food that we have??

....*Big breath, think about Jesus Christine, calm down*....

I'm sorry for that little outburst but really, when things are tight the last thing you need to be told is how actually you are wrong, you are obviously deluded, and you need to listen to the advice of someone who has never had no money in their lives.

It's kinda like being told by a whole-life-skinny person how to lose weight. 

Or a never-smoker how to quit.

Or a tetotaller who to stop drinking.

It is patronizing. It is insulting. It is not in anyway shape or form helpful.

I think sometimes we all need to learn how to shut the hell up, stop giving advice and rather listen to the problem, ask if we can help, and sit with people in their angst.

We are so quick to give advice as a society. Somewhere along the line we got told that we can't be wrong and everybody needs to know that. 

But guess what?

THAT IS WRONG!!

If we stopped talking and started to listen would what we hear shock us?

Would it make us rethink how we treat people and how we act?

If we became a people of love and not a peerless of advice what would that look like?

Would it make a difference?

We Will Remember Them...(a not so ordinary memorial)

Today in NZ it is the 12th of September but in Americaland it is the 11th. September 11. Will that day ever mean anything else except death and fear?

I remember being at school on this day 12 years ago (has it really been that long) and hearing, incorrectly, that America had been bombed. The rest of the day went out the window as we sat in our classes glued to the tv watching repeats of the crashes, then people jumping out of windows to escape the fire. The images are burned into my memory and still make me feel physically ill.

Years on now and my view on this historic event has changed. 

It is still disgusting, barbaric and gut wrenching.

It is still a day that is worth remembering.

But as my understanding of world politics has grown so has my compassion for people that I never thought I would have compassion for.

So today I would like to add my own memorial.

"WE WILL REMEMBER THEM"

Today as we remember the planes crashing into buildings I choose to remember the plane hijackers who chose to kill innocent people. I choose to remember all those who have been subjected to brainwashing and have hurt themselves and others in a deluded attempt to do the right thing. I choose to remember their hate, and I chosoe to forgive it as Christ forgave those who nailed him to a tree and then jeered at him as he died.

As we remember the flames that burned with enough force to melt a building I choose to remember those in every country who have burned in the fires of war and terror. I choose to remember Americans, Afghani's, Iraqians, Iranian, Syrians, Pakistanis, African and South American Nations, and every other people, person, mother, child, father, brother, sister, wife, husband who has instigated or been the victim of war and hatred. I choose to pray for those who kill and those who are killed that the justice of God might be known throughout the world and God's peace may reign over all.

As we remember those that were crushed in buildings that came down on top of them, I choose to remember those that see their way of life destroyed in front of them and have no money to rebuild. I choose to remember those that are poor and helpless and do not have an economy or a government that will help them with medical costs and welfare. I choose to remember the parents who watch their children starve because they have been forgotten by the people with money and power. I pray that they may know that God is with them in their suffering, that Jesus suffered as they suffered, that he had no home or income and that he loves them and will wipe their tears from their eyes.

As we remember the nationalism that swept America after the fateful events of September 11 I choose to remember those that are in nations that use nationalism to wage wars and incite the people to hatred. I choose to remember the conditions and environments that breed young people and teach them to hate those from other countries and different religions. I remember those that have never heard of the gospel of peace and instead chose revenge and murder. I pray that God will forgive them, and that they will learn to turn from what they do.

I will remember them.

All of them.

Masturbation...anti-Christian?

I am known for not being afraid of tackling any issue that I hear people talking about.

Masturbation is one of those issues.

Any one who grew up in New Zealand, and is under the age of 35, will have grown up with sex-Ed in schools. Some parents opted to have their child sit out of those classes, but most of us sat through the embarrassing talks about pubic hair and the start of periods (for the girls) and wet dreams (for the boys). At 13 we squirmed as we sat in mixed gender classes and learned about condoms, safe sex, sexual exploration, and masturbation.

I vividly remember a video that we were shown as a teaching tool on the subject of masturbation. There was a cartoon boy who got in bed and started moving under the covers. A finger and lightening bolt suddenly appeared in the sky and voice over told us that some people would tell us that masturbation was bad, but actually it is healthy exploration. 

This image stuck with me (as did the lesson on placing condoms on a banana). I was never explicitly told by anyone that masturbation was not Godly. My family weren't exactly open about talking about this kind of stuff and, as far as I remember, my youth group never addressed sexual education either. 

(random aside: I spent a few years working with at risk teens in a youth group and I did a series on sexual education and health and is was very relevant. When some of the older members of the congregation found out this was happening they demanded I stopped. I had to fight my case to the leadership and won the right to continue my teaching, but this attitude of not addressing the issues of sex is not uncommon in churches).

Even though it was never expressed by my church, the fact that school was telling me that religious people taught that it was unGodly made me question these things.

The fact is that many people question the place of masturbation in the life of a Christian. Is it ok? Is it bad? Are there limits to how often or how it is done? I have heard these questions so many times from girls and guys, young and old, single and married, that I am surprised that it isn't addressed in churches!

Everyone does it. Does that make it ok? 

I know people who have been addicted to masturbation. I am thinking of one story in particular of a person who masturbated a lot and then, when they got married, had issues because they enjoyed their own 'attentions' more than what their spouse could do for them.

I know many people who have issues with porn and masturbation is a major part of this issue. It then becomes less about releasing sexual tension and more about addiction to something destructive and harmful.

I know people who have tried to stop masturbating altogether and then had problems with the disconnect between their emotions and their body. Once married they struggled to associate sexual pleasure with feelings of love because they had told themselves that masturbation was bad and had squashed their sexual desire to the point that it created problems later.

I have known of people who have given themselves serious medical issues from too much masturbation.

I know wives who have felt rejected and disgusted when walking in on their husbands, and I have known husbands who have felt hurt and emasculated by the enjoyment their wives can give themselves.

Masturbation is no small issue.

The Bible does talk about masturbation. It tells us that a man who 'spills is seed' outside of his wife is a pretty bad dude. But we need to take into consideration and role of women and the importance of children in ancient Israelite society. Women were of little importance to a husband unless they produced children to continue his line. For a man to refuse to impregnate his wife by taking things into his own hands, as it were, was a great an injustice to the woman. It denied her her place as a wife and mother in a society where those things were all important. He would also be stopping the continuation of the israelite people which would be an affront to God. 

What this teaches us is masturbation, where it denies your marriage partner their place as your sexual partner and as a parent, is selfish, unloving, and un-Godly. This could also be used as an argument against masturbation and porn as it degrading another person into purely a sex object, rather than as a partner that shares in your love and protection.

But we also need to remember that there was no thing as 'teenagers' in those days. We now have this period of life that is highly sexually charged where sexual activity needs to be held back til marriage (if you subscribe to Christian teaching). If masturbation can release some teenage angst and avoid ten age pregnancy, isn't that ok?

I would argue yes.

However, the reasons for and the use of masturbation need to be considered. It is possible to misuse masturbation just as much as it possible to misuse sex. It is also possible to misuse people in masturbation, through porn and fantasy, as it is in sex. But to deny masturbation and sexual desire can also lead to problems later. 

So analyze your reasons. Think about what you are doing. If in doubt, find people you trust to talk about theses things with. Don't struggle in silence, we have all been there, it is nothing to be ashamed of!!