The How To Guide for Destroying Yourself, Your Relationships, and Your Faith

A lot of things have been happening in my life of late but that just seems to be the norm in our household. We seem to reach a point of stability and then all hell breaks loose and we are left wondering what just hit us. I won't go into much detail, as that would be long and tedious for all involved, but I have had to repeat this little mantra of mine many times over the last month or so:

"I have Luke and I have Jesus, everything will be ok."

Now before everyone goes all theological on my ass, let me assert a couple of points.

1) if I did not have Luke I would still be ok. Distraught, but ok, because fundamentally it is Jesus who makes it all ok for me, but Luke is a nice bonus.

2) I am not saying "everything will be ok" like tomorrow will be sunny and full of fluffy bunnies, or that somehow holding on to Jesus makes my life stress free. But in the long run, even if something kills me, I believe that it will all be ok. Big picture stuff.

So back to my mantra. It keeps me sane knowing that I have a Saviour who loves me and a husband who adores me. It makes even hard things easier to deal with when I know that I have two amazing people to cry to and lean on. Doesn't make it fun though. Still sucks going through some stuff, especially when you see it hurting your partner.

Which is how I get to the title of my post:

The How To Guide for Destroying Yourself, Your Relationships, and Your Faith.

Oh yeah, I am a ray of sunshine today. Bear with me though, I do have a point aside from nihilistic wallowing.

I am a huge believer in confessing deep dark secrets in order to turn the light on them and sort them out. I have done it many times for many reasons and the response I usually receive is humbling, honest, supportive and loving. By being honest I have often given implicit permission to others to be honest also.

This is me being honest - gut churningly honest, this is not easy for me to admit to.

Most of you will know by now my issues with food. I can't hide my issues like some people do, I literally wear them. I have a fat suit that I have to wear everyday, look at everyday, deal with everyday. I have to acknowledge my limitations when I can't go as far or fast as others. I feel the pain in my joints when I walk. I find it hard to roll over in bed and have to wear a mask to breathe when I sleep.

I hate my issues. I hate that I have done this to myself.

But it doesn't stop me....and this is where my story starts.

I emotionally eat, so after the last few weeks I have been weaker in the self-control department. One morning I was talking to Luke about getting myself a coffee on the way to work. "Just a coffee" he said (because he knew where my head was at, not because he is a controlling deuche bag). "Of course babe, I wouldn't buy more." I said this BELIEVING that I wouldn't, DETERMINED I wouldn't.

1 hour later I was feeling sick from a binge on energy drinks and sweet treats. I felt guilty, ashamed, humiliated, angry....I hated myself then.

Then I went into bargaining mode with myself:

"It doesn't matter, know one will know"

"What about Luke?"

"He doesn't need to know, it will only upset him."

"But it's Luke, I tell him everything."

"He will be so angry [which he wouldn't] and would hate you [which he didn't] so don't tell him."

"But I feel like I am lying to him."

"It's only lying if he asks."

"What if he asks?"

Then I went into bargaining mode with Jesus:

"Look, I know I was stupid but please make it so that Luke doesn't ask because it would hurt him and hurt our relationship and you don't wanna do that to us do you?"

"I love you"

"Yeah yeah but could you just do this for me."

"Still love you"

I stressed about it all day. Worrying about Luke asking and catastrophizing it in my head. On the way home I kept praying that he wouldn't ask, don't make me admit to this to him.

(NOTE: as weight has been an issue for me and hiding food and binge eating have been real issues, hiding this from Luke is a problem. Not a little problem as some may think it is, but a real problem. You need to know the history to get it).

Luke asked.

He had to ask three times before I told him the extent of it.

The hurt in his eyes that I lied, the pain for me, and disappointment for all the work I had undone...all of these things crushed me. And I realised in that moment that you don't have to cheat or steal or physically hurt someone to ruin a relationship.

You just need to put something above your love for the other and your love for God.

It could be anything. For me it is food. It is an idol. I ruin my health, my relationships, my relationship with God over it. I would rather kill what has been given to me than to give up food. 

We all have that something that we love that is really destroying us. 

It might be something as obvious as drugs, alcohol, or cheating.

Or food.

Or maybe it is something more secretive like self-harming, picking at our skin, watching porn (or Geordie Shore *shudder*), reading romance novels at the expense of our marriages....I don't know but you do.

You, reading this, right now, have something that you know you can't control, don't want to control. It may even be your desire to control everything that is out of control!!!

Let me tell you this now:

It doesn't matter how trivial it may seem to the world.

It doesn't matter whether anyone else knows about it.

What matters is that it is controlling you.

It is causing you to hide it, lie about it, indulge in it, and it is destroying you.

Because you are not free until you give this up. You will never be free until it is gone. And when it is, when you don't have to hide anymore, your relationships and your faith will grow exponentially.

What would your life be like with this thing out of it?

What would it take to make that happen?

And are you prepared to do it?

Dear Jesus, please make me skinny!

Hysterical breakdowns are not an unknown phenomenon in our household. I live with four boys and at least once a month one of us five has a meltdown.

10 points for guessing who it is.

That's right, it's Luke.

Jokes, it's totally the one with the ovaries.

Despite the fact that I totally hate fulfilling a stereotype, I can't help it! The emotions, and tears, and snot, and sobbing just won't stay down, no matter how hard I try and suppress them. It's sooo embarrassing (especially if it ever happens at work....holla at me emotional ladies!) but it happens and I can't stop it. 

This month, despite trying desperately to channel the stoneheartedness of my testosterone fueled flatmates, I ended up crying like a wee baby about (yet again) my weight issues.

I have come to learn that I don't like being fat (shocker!). Like, I really really really don't like it. I don't like the stares I get in the street ( no jokes, I saw a guy driving do a HUGE double take once and, unless I am the sexiest thing going, the only conclusion I can come to is that he had in fact never seen a fat person before). I don't like people at work giving me tips on how to lose weight. I don't like having to avoid foods I like. I don't like not being able to fit some clothes.

So I decided to quit. 

I told Luke that I was over it and I was gonna eat what I want and get fat and die happy. And he found this hilarious. Apparently it was not the right day for him to laugh at that because I got rather pissed off and then cried lots.

See, as much as I want to be skinny, I sabotage myself all the time. In my concious mind I am working hard at losing weight. In my subconcious mind I am a scared little girl who is trying to protect herself from the world by creating a fat suit. 

As much as I want to be skinny, I more afraid of it than anything. 

I am afraid that when I get there I still won't be happy with what I have. I am afraid that I will get hurt by men again. I am afraid that I won't be able to maintain it. I am scared that I still won't be good enough.

Which is the fundamental problem.

It is not about the weight. Yes, I do need to loose it in order to be healthy. But focusing on the weight has meant that I have forgotten about the reasons I got fat in the first place. 

I have started idolising being skinny. I started to think that when I use to be skinny I was happy and will be again if I could just get skinny again. The truth is that it is bollocks. If I am not happy in myself now then I won't be when I lose weight. And I wasn't happy when I was skinny...which is why I ended up fat.

So I am trying to change my mindset from focusing on losing weight to one that is focused on being healthy and happy. This still means I have to avoid foods that aren't good for me, and I still have to exercise and all that, because that is part of being healthy in body and mind, but the outlook is totally different.

Still, as I write this, I am overcome by a sense of desperation and yet resignation. I am really struggling to understand how to keep going in the face of weight that is getting harder and harder to shift. The thought of this being a lifelong struggle fills me full of helplessness. 

I hate that I have done this to myself. I hate that I now have to battle everyday of my life in order to live well. It makes me angry and dejected. I say I don't care anymore but the fact is I really really do. It hurts a lot knowing that this is my fault.

I feel like I have tried every diet in the book and still have so far to go. Luke described it as running a marathon, where you get half way through and wanna die on the spot but you keep going coz there is no other way to finish. There is also a billboard on the way to my work that says "The pain of doing it is not as bad as the pain of regretting not doing it." Funnily enough it is a billboard for a gym!

It is hard trying to put into words what it is like staring your own regret in the mirror every morning to people who may have never had weight issues. It is hard to explain how it isn't a just physical battle, it is a mental and emotional one as well. It is hard to tell people who say "just count calories in and calories out and you should loose weight" that it isn't that simple. 

I find blogging helpful. I hope it reaches people who. like me, want to lose weight and yet want to give up at the same time. I hope this reaches those who are so confused as to what they really want that they sabotage themselves and then hate themselves for it. I hope this reaches people who are losing hope.

Because at the end of the day, underneath all the pain and heartache, I do have hope. I have hope that it isn't always going to be like this. My faith in Christ tells me that one day every tear will wiped away and all pain will end. I believe that my pain about weight counts. And so I have hope.

For those of a different faith, or of no faith, please don't give up just yet. Please comment below and let me know so I can support you and in turn feel supported. Your battle with weight is no small thing and I understand the pain that it causes you and how little you feel understood.

We are not alone. even though our fat suits attempt to lie to us and tell us we are.

Just keep breathing, keep living, keep listening to the people who love you, and let's find a way to live a life that we dream of!

Christine goes Carb Free

I have talked on this blog before about my problems with weight and weight loss (see here, here, here, and here for just some of my blogs on this). I am a big girl and have been for a decade now. I put on weight for a number of reasons and have tried to loss weight for just as many reasons. 

6 months ago I decided to try a different tack. Instead of combating the bulge by itself I decided to think like an addict. As an alcoholic I learned that moderation with alcohol doesn't work. As an addict to food I needed to work out what I needed to stay away from instead of looking at the end result. 

Sugar and carbs are basically my enemy. Refined carbs and sugar are more addictive than heroine and just as bad for my health. I am not capable of only eating a little bit, I am an addict. 

As such, I cut them both out of my diet completely.

The first week of that was absolute hell.

My diet was suddenly so boring! I was having bacon and eggs for breakfast, chicken for lunch, and eggs and meat for dinner. And that was it. Every day. After a week I was able to put a few veges back into my diet but even now my diet is very limited compared to what it was.

I haven't seen much of a weight difference but I have noticed a lot of changes. I feel clearer in my head, and I feel healthier in my body. I have also noticed that I don't eat as much. When you are eating only meat you end up getting sick of eating before you get full. No more eating til bursting or feeling sick and bloated.

I feel a lot more natural in what I eat and a lot better for it. I haven't lost dramatic amounts of weight but I haven't put any on either and it is coming off, albeit slowly.

6 months down with only a couple of slip ups and I am feeling much better than when I have tried to moderate food alone.

It is hard though, especially because I love to feed people when they come to my house. I love to cook brownie and have people enjoy it. I also love to go out and eat at restaurants etc with friends.

This has been a little bit of a challenge but the majority of people I know have been so good and accommodating. My friends now tend to bring a diet drink with them when they come round so I can enjoy something too. We also now go to restaurants that have no carb options, like Nando's chicken.

I do still have moments of feeling left out though. I find it hard especially around ice cream. I love me some ice cream. And when everyone is around enjoying a yummy dessert I find it difficult. But the hardest times are when I am alone and emotionally vulnerable. It is then that I really struggle and long to go and buy a big block of chocolate or a big tub of ice cream and pig out. So far I have resisted and it is getting easier.

It has been a learning curve for me. I have chosen to view sugar as an addiction that is like alcohol, something that I must avoid in order to live well. That means that this is not a diet for a time but a lifestyle change. Viewing sugar this way has made it easier to live with but it has put me face to face with some of my demons and fears around weight. 

So if you are struggling with weight maybe it is time to stop acting as if diets are the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff and instead start acting on the addictions that keep you in your destructive life styles. It is helping me, in ways I never thought it would.

Temptation and Weakness (or Reverting Back to my 16 year old Self)

Something happened to me last night. It hasn't happened for a long time. It happened in front of a couple of friends. It shocked and worried my husband. It left me broken and disgusted with myself, and embarrassed that I had sunk so low so fast.

What could possibly have happened I hear you ask?

I binged.

I gorged, overate, over-indulged, ate myself sick.

I at pizza and a really yummy dessert and I went totally overboard. And then, after I had gone to bed, I lay there thinking about the left overs in the fridge. So in the morning, for breakfast, I did it again.

I haven't done this is so long that is scared my husband. He was immediately asking me what was wrong, why I was doing this to myself. I ate my concoction of chocolate chips, cream, and flake chocolate and told him that nothing was wrong. I then I felt sick. And my first thought was to purge, something I haven't done in many many years. 

And then I started to think that maybe hubby was seeing something I wasn't, that maybe something was really wrong and I was missing it. 

Food is a drug to me. It has been for as long as I can remember. I have learned to control it somewhat. I no longer binge like I use to (save the last 24 hours) and I eat to maintain my body rather than to find solace or comfort. And so when something like this happens it is like an alcoholic picking up a glass of beer and sculling it. It means that something is very wrong and I really need to start analysing my behaviour.

In the past an episode like that would have spun me out of control. 24 hours would have moved into a week or a month or eating badly and too much. My shame and disgust with myself would feed my addiction and I would have turned to food to cover what my eating had caused. I would have used it as an excuse to continue eating without thought for my health.

This time I did something radically different.

I sat with hubby and talked it out. We discovered that I have been feeling exhausted and stressed. We have moved house this week also and so all our good routines went out the window the last 7 days. We also have taken in a teenager and that change in life has meant many other things have taken a back seat. All of these issues subconsciously triggered a binge of epic proportions that could have undone all my good work in losing weight if I had listened to those around me, namely my husband, telling me I was acting abnormally.

So instead of eating more, or mentally beating myself up, or 101 other destructive things I could have done, I went and had a sleep, then cleaned my fish tank, and ran some errands. I started a weekly menu board for dinners so I am more prepared and more organised in life to bring some routine back into it. And after I have finished this I am going to go for a walk and get some good endorphins flowing.

Life is hard and we slip up.

I wanted to write this to show that I am human, that I fall off the wagon, but it is what we do afterward, how we react to our mistakes, that defines us.

I had a moment. A bad moment. But not a moment that will destroy me or continue any longer. I will listen to those that care about me, take steps to put things in place to stop me falling down again, and move on.

I know I have readers that struggle with their weight, and I know that many of them will relate to this post. What I want you to take away from this is that there is hope, but only in community. There is strength, but only if you first rely and rest on others. There is continuation, but only if you first stop and take stock.

I may have lost this small skirmish, but it will in no way affect the outcome of the war.

The Battle of the Bulge and the Strength of Community.

Ah weight issues, my old nemesis. 

Yet again we meet. 

 I saw you just this morning as I walked passed my mirror and was determined not to acknowledge your presence.

I almost could pretend that you didn't whisper in my ear as I ate a muffin.

I nearly ignored you completely as I tried on a new dress. 

You keep showing your ugly face, your sneer and hateful words are expected and put up with on many days, despite how much I would rather tell you to piss off.

I hate you and you scare me, but for some reason I have put up with you for so many years that I am not sure how I would be without you anymore.

But I am learning.

Last week I stood in front of several groups of people whose eyes told me that they knew you intimately.

In those groups your presence was very much alive and well.

And yet it was in those very places, where I expected you to be strongest, you were at your weakest.

Somehow, as we looked at each other and talked about you, it was there that you failed to have control.

There you were named properly and seen for what you really are; something that can be defeated and controlled.

I saw your influence and at the same time I saw your weakness.

These fighters are not giving up.

I do not fight you alone.'

We shall overcome.

Beautiful People

 I am excited about tomorrow.

Tomorrow I get to spend the day with a group of people in discussion with theologian Vinoth Ramachandra. 

I feel like a kid before Christmas!

Vinoth is one of the foremost writers in theology and culture and is a personal hero of my mentor Rod Thompson. To get to spend time in conversation with a man of this stature and intellect is such an honour and a privilege. Squeals of excitement happening over here.

I am currently reading a book that Vinoth produced back in the 90's called 'Gods That Fail' looking at culture, modern idolatry, and christian mission. It's some good reading on the side of all my study and I highly recommend it.

I also had a great day going to my weight watchers meeting. There is something really wonderful about sitting with a group of people who understand what you are going through and who are really supportive. 

But reading Vinoth and doing WW has got me thinking about what we idolize in our culture. 

                                         

I would like to say that health, weight and beauty are some of those idols.

Now a lot of my blogging inspiration comes from things I see on tv and this is no exception. There are so many ads that are aimed at losing weight, looking good, and being attractive. How many times a day a we told that the way we look is not good enough? If only we were to lose ten kilos, buy this make up, wear these clothes, then we would be sexy and desireable and life would be better.

Being fit, skinny and sexy become all important. As a larger size woman I can tell you that it is freaking hard to get stylish clothes that aren't only for skinny people. Labels don't want to be associated with big bodies. Don't believe me? Check out what the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch said in recent statements about his brand! I have even been into a store to buy a present for my sister to be told at the door that the store wouldn't have anything suitable for a woman of my size. The woman was lucky not to get punched in the face!

Joking, I am a pacifist.

I make pacifiers out of my fist.

No really, I am joking. Not a violence fan. But I was really offended. So some other store got my money.

What I am constantly told as a woman of size is that I need to buy something to make me feel better or look better, or I will turn out like the stereotypical fat person on tv and movies who is comedic relief and never gets the hot guy. 

Fat is ugly, unhealthy, unsexy and therefore of the devil.

Yes, I agree that having fat is unhealthy. But not to the point where health becomes a god. 

But this obsession doesn't end with weight. We have an absolute paranoia of germs! The number of ads there are for the latest product that will get rid of 99% of bacteria is insane! We are breeding a generation that will have no immune system when they grow up because they are growing up in sterile homes. And think of what those chemicals are doing to our bodies!

Being healthy is good, but when is it finally too far?

        

What does it say to the person in a wheelchair when they turn on the tv and see the new Special K ad that tells them that to be human is to run and move? What does it say to the terminally ill child when they are told that the best child is a healthy child? What does it communicate to the woman who has had a double mastectomy and has lost her hair to cancer treatment when she is told that long hair is beautiful and women with big breasts are more attractive?

What is it saying to you when you are bombarded every day with images telling you that you are not good enough, pretty enough, healthy enough, sexy enough?

There has to be another way!

There has to be another message to listen to!

Well it's your lucky day because here is one that was prepared earlier....

God is a God of messed up, ugly, broken people.

That means that God is the God of us all.

All throughout history we can see God using the foolish and non-beautiful people of the world to make a difference. Jesus came down in the form of a carpenters son, not a prince, and it says explicitly in the gospels that he didn't look like anything special.

God doesn't love the bikini model more than the paraplegic. God doesn't care if you run every day or if you have never seen the inside of a gym or know what one is!

God doesn't love me because I am fat, or because I am trying to lose weight. God loves me because I am me. I don't have to be special, I don't have to change the world. I don't have to be famous or have a viral YouTube clip. I don't have to fit the latest fashions or wear branded clothing. Because in the end all that stuff is meaningless anyway. In the end the prettiest model is going to get old like me, die like me, and rot in the ground like me.

The difference is where we go from there.

I lose weight so I don't get a disease later in life, so I can have children safely, and so I don't die way younger than my husband.

Not so I look sexy or fit a pair of jeans or to look pretty.

                                      

We have made being sexy, skinny, and pretty such an idol that is consumes us. Men are accustomed to viewing the bodies of models and porn stars and become disappointed with reality. Women are obssessed with looking younger and skinner to the point of starving themselves. Both sexes expect their partner to look sexy all the time or their attention will go elsewhere. 

There is a different way. There is a way to be loved where it isn't your appearance but the content of your character that is what is important. 

You are loved this way by God.

Perhaps we can learn to love others that way too.