Love is a Battlefield

Love

L'amour.

The language of the French, music and poetry.

Nothing is quite like it for raising us up to soaring heights and making us want to dance and sing and laugh all the while with our cheeks aching from a smile we cannot hide.

I remember the first time that Luke and I held hands; the beating of my heart filled my ears, my face burnt from the blood rushing to the surface, my breath was shallow and sharp and my hands shook.

The first time we kissed was even more nerve racking, more exhilirating, more petrifying than merely holding hands. I, a full grown adult, felt like a nervous teenager.

Those memories are seared into my mind and bring a smile to my face every time I recall them.

But that isn't love, that is falling in love. And as much as I sometimes miss the thrill and newness of it all, at the same time I wouldn't give it up for the depth of relationship I have with him now.

I have learnt more about him now. I have argued with him and had to share my space with him. I have been frustrated by him, annoyed by him, teased by him, and disagreed with him. None of these things happened at the beginning. I would have been too scared to argue vehemently with him when our relationship was so new in case he decided he didn't really like me. Not the case now! And I will continue to learn more about him over the years and our love for each other will change and grow.

I have a few friends that are struggling in relationships right now. They are confused, not sleeping, not eating, and anxious. Or the a deliriously happy, not sleeping, not eating, and anxious. (Funny how the symptoms at the beginning for depression and falling in love are the same!!!).

I know people who want to give up and walk away from whatever they have, at whatever stage of the relationship that they are in, because it is too hard, it takes too much of a toll, it causes too much pain.

And I get it! As a remarried divorcee at 27 I really do understand that sometimes you need to walk away, sometimes things are too hard or too painful or too dangerous and, despite the grief it causes, it is better to call it quits than to fight for something that doesn't or shouldn't exist.

BUT (and here is the tricky bit) if we were to love someone, I mean not fall in love but really love, then what would that look like? How long do we hang on for? What would we do when it hurts?

First of all we can look at the example God sets us (if you're that way inclined) and we see that the love displayed throughout the pages of history is from a God who doesn't give in, give up, or give away the object of desire.

This is a God that is hurt over and over, abandoned, rejected, killed(!) and doesn't ever stop loving the people who have committed these crimes.

That is one freaking tough God. Also slightly crazy perhaps??

Joking, joking, please don't lynch me.

But perhaps we need a more...human example. So let's go with Jesus.

Um, hang on, does Jesus even have a love interest?

Well, according to some 'theories', that are largely discredited by historical theologians, Mary Magdalene and Jesus had a little thing going. But there is nothing in the Scriptures that tells us how Jesus dealt with rejection, falling in love, arguments, divorce etc. In fact we don't really think of Jesus much as a red-blooded, sexual being.

Yet he was.

At some point he was hitting puberty and all the hormones that come with that. He must have at least had a crush!

And at 33 when he died most young men his age would be married and have families.I wonder if he missed that, if he longed for physical touch from a woman, if he found it difficult to be celibate.

Because wanting a partner that you share everything with, physically and emotionally, is not 'ungodly', it is human and beautiful and special. And I bet that Jesus longed for it even though he put his calling above all else.

But if he did get married, or fell in love, how would he have acted?

Would he have acted like God did with Israel and, no matter what, pursue, win over and forgive his woman?

Would he have been like Hosea, who married the prostitute Gomer, and married someone who was wild and uncontrollable?

Or would he have married the 'good little Jewish woman' who was loyal and strong in her faith, and never caused any problems?

See God tends to reach out to very broken people so would Jesus have fallen in love with someone who caused problems for him?

Honestly, I have no idea! No clue whatsoever. But the point is that perhaps we get too hung up on what our relationship is 'suppose to be' that we miss out on what it is.

Perhaps we have too much of an idea of what a 'good Christian marriage' is suppose to look like that we miss out on what God's idea of love looks like.

Perhaps we need to stop with our lists of the 'perfect husband/wife' that would suit you, and rather see that everyone is messed up, everyone is broken (including you!!!) and relationships aren't suppose to be about what they can give you anyway!!

Maybe we need to stop worrying about how people think and feel about the person we love due to their age, status, employment, education, and instead start looking at things like your mutual walk with God, their ability to be a good parent, their loyalty and commitment.

I never thought I would marry someone 7 years younger than me. I never wanted a man with facial hair (Luke, because you are reading this, I have grown to love the beard!). I didn't want someone who was a muscian and didn't care about essays too much. I didn't want a husband who my family would reject because he didn't 'fit' their mold.

What I did want, and what I got, was someone who loves me and loves to be with me. Who makes me laugh and who treasures me. Someone who I know would fight to the death for me. Someone who will challenge me in my thinking and will support my faith. Someone who would love our children unconditionally and who accepts the crazy, needy side that I sometimes show.

I wanted someone who showed the love of God to me through our relationship.

If you are struggling right now, if you are thinking about breaking up with your partner, or maybe you don't know if you should be in a relationship with them in the first place, then ask yourself what you are running from and what you are running to?

Are you running from a bad, destructive, violent relationship? Then GO!!!! But if it is a good relationship but you don't 'feel' the same any more, where does your commitment and 'stinking it out'-ness come into it?

Are you running to an unattainable dream that actually no person fits into? Then you are the problem not them. But if you are running from a relationship that doesn't honour God (or whatever your faith/morals are) then maybe it is time to go.

I don't believe in 'the one'. I believe we make someone the one, we decide to commit to them and only them and that our love for them makes them our 'one'. Before you give up, figure out if you are giving up on the relationship as it stands or on the dream that you have of a reality that doesn't, and may never, exist.

These things aren't easy and if you are in one of these situations I feel for you and pray for you.

Bit in your pain remember that no one is perfect, communication is essential, and love isn't just a gooey feeling.

Give me love!

I was listening to Ed Sheeran on my iPod this morning while on the bus (totally awesome singer/song writer, check him out if you have the time!) when his song "Give me love" came on. It's a beautiful song but there is this one bit that gets to me everytime; Ed starts yelling "Give me love" in a way that is so heart rending, so emotional that you can almost feel the desperation in his desire to be loved.

I think this cry of his, this calling out for someone to love us, is at the core of every being. We all want to be loved in a way that is deep and meaningful, in a way that the person sees us as we really are, not all the pretentious crap that we put out for the world to see.

You know what I mean, we want someone who sees past the clothes, makeup, swagger, heels, language and money (or lack thereof) and sees the insecure, crazy, silly, stupid, funny, sensitive person that we try so desperately to protect all the time.

And this is why when relationships end it hurts so damn much.

If you think about it the whole idea of a meaningless relationship (call it friends with benefits, one night stand, fling, whatever) is an oxymoron.

Relationship implies a knowing of each other that allows for honesty and openness.

Relationship means understanding each others fears, or at least committing to the process of discovering them.

Doesn't sound very meaningless to me.

And, let's face it, no one comes out of a relationship of any kind unscarred.

Take a one night stand for example. I know plenty of girls and guys who will testify that you can have sex with someone and it mean nothing. It's just some harmless fun to get your jollies and then you are gone.

So explain to me why when the dude doesn't call the next day he is call a series of words, most that have to be spelt *****?

Tell me why you will avoid that person at any cost if you see them at the bar the next weekend?

Why is it called the 'walk of shame' if there is nothing wrong to be ashamed about?

If we start at this, the most fleeting of relationships, and go to a long term marriage ending, the most enduring of relationships, we will see that no relationship ending leaves people unhurt.

Because we all want love, and when that love ends or is not fulfilled or disenchants us, it hurts like a b***h.

The sad thing is that in this life all love will end. Be it through breakup or death, at some point the person that we love, that we scream "Give me love" to in our hearts, won't be with us any longer.

And that thought scares the bejeezus out of most people. So we substitute real relationships with 'meaningless' ones because it means that when it does end it can be on our terms. We can pretend that it didn't hurt, we can say 'I dumped them' and lie to ourselves about the damage in our own person.

Whoever said "it is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all" obviously had never been through a serious breakup. Most people I know avoid deep love because the possibility of losing it makes them scared and vunerable.

We are weak as humans.

We will hurt each other and break each other, unintentionally and sometimes for fun.

We want the power and we will fight each other for it.

And yet the cry still echoes;

"Give me love!"

There is only one person who can fill this deeply ingrained desire for love.

The very fact that this cry is in us from the time we are young points us towards a God who loves so unconditionally, so completely, that we will never be abandoned or hurt by them.

The only place to find this love is in the cross that Jesus sacrificed himself on, in the resurrection that brought him back to life, and in the forgiveness that he extends to all.

The cry doesn't need to go unanswered.

You ARE loved!