Dear Jesus, please make me skinny!

Hysterical breakdowns are not an unknown phenomenon in our household. I live with four boys and at least once a month one of us five has a meltdown.

10 points for guessing who it is.

That's right, it's Luke.

Jokes, it's totally the one with the ovaries.

Despite the fact that I totally hate fulfilling a stereotype, I can't help it! The emotions, and tears, and snot, and sobbing just won't stay down, no matter how hard I try and suppress them. It's sooo embarrassing (especially if it ever happens at work....holla at me emotional ladies!) but it happens and I can't stop it. 

This month, despite trying desperately to channel the stoneheartedness of my testosterone fueled flatmates, I ended up crying like a wee baby about (yet again) my weight issues.

I have come to learn that I don't like being fat (shocker!). Like, I really really really don't like it. I don't like the stares I get in the street ( no jokes, I saw a guy driving do a HUGE double take once and, unless I am the sexiest thing going, the only conclusion I can come to is that he had in fact never seen a fat person before). I don't like people at work giving me tips on how to lose weight. I don't like having to avoid foods I like. I don't like not being able to fit some clothes.

So I decided to quit. 

I told Luke that I was over it and I was gonna eat what I want and get fat and die happy. And he found this hilarious. Apparently it was not the right day for him to laugh at that because I got rather pissed off and then cried lots.

See, as much as I want to be skinny, I sabotage myself all the time. In my concious mind I am working hard at losing weight. In my subconcious mind I am a scared little girl who is trying to protect herself from the world by creating a fat suit. 

As much as I want to be skinny, I more afraid of it than anything. 

I am afraid that when I get there I still won't be happy with what I have. I am afraid that I will get hurt by men again. I am afraid that I won't be able to maintain it. I am scared that I still won't be good enough.

Which is the fundamental problem.

It is not about the weight. Yes, I do need to loose it in order to be healthy. But focusing on the weight has meant that I have forgotten about the reasons I got fat in the first place. 

I have started idolising being skinny. I started to think that when I use to be skinny I was happy and will be again if I could just get skinny again. The truth is that it is bollocks. If I am not happy in myself now then I won't be when I lose weight. And I wasn't happy when I was skinny...which is why I ended up fat.

So I am trying to change my mindset from focusing on losing weight to one that is focused on being healthy and happy. This still means I have to avoid foods that aren't good for me, and I still have to exercise and all that, because that is part of being healthy in body and mind, but the outlook is totally different.

Still, as I write this, I am overcome by a sense of desperation and yet resignation. I am really struggling to understand how to keep going in the face of weight that is getting harder and harder to shift. The thought of this being a lifelong struggle fills me full of helplessness. 

I hate that I have done this to myself. I hate that I now have to battle everyday of my life in order to live well. It makes me angry and dejected. I say I don't care anymore but the fact is I really really do. It hurts a lot knowing that this is my fault.

I feel like I have tried every diet in the book and still have so far to go. Luke described it as running a marathon, where you get half way through and wanna die on the spot but you keep going coz there is no other way to finish. There is also a billboard on the way to my work that says "The pain of doing it is not as bad as the pain of regretting not doing it." Funnily enough it is a billboard for a gym!

It is hard trying to put into words what it is like staring your own regret in the mirror every morning to people who may have never had weight issues. It is hard to explain how it isn't a just physical battle, it is a mental and emotional one as well. It is hard to tell people who say "just count calories in and calories out and you should loose weight" that it isn't that simple. 

I find blogging helpful. I hope it reaches people who. like me, want to lose weight and yet want to give up at the same time. I hope this reaches those who are so confused as to what they really want that they sabotage themselves and then hate themselves for it. I hope this reaches people who are losing hope.

Because at the end of the day, underneath all the pain and heartache, I do have hope. I have hope that it isn't always going to be like this. My faith in Christ tells me that one day every tear will wiped away and all pain will end. I believe that my pain about weight counts. And so I have hope.

For those of a different faith, or of no faith, please don't give up just yet. Please comment below and let me know so I can support you and in turn feel supported. Your battle with weight is no small thing and I understand the pain that it causes you and how little you feel understood.

We are not alone. even though our fat suits attempt to lie to us and tell us we are.

Just keep breathing, keep living, keep listening to the people who love you, and let's find a way to live a life that we dream of!

Why I am Safe from Serial Killers (and other stories)

Hubby and I love the programme Criminal Minds. We have all the seasons on dvd which we watch fairly regularly. We just got the latest season so most nights are spent curled up in front of the tv watching people learn new ways of killing others.

It's good fun.

I have learned a lot from this programme about how to avoid death at the hands of a serial killer. But what I have discovered is that I am in fact pretty safe from the psycho's that roam the world. 

Here are my top 5 ways that you too can be safe from serial killers:

5. Be a Snob

You are a social person who loves to meet new people. Well, stop it. Criminal minds has shown me that staying at home and avoiding people at all costs is really the only way to go. When you finally get to the desperate situation of HAVING to go out to get food, toilet paper, or any other essentials (and trust me, you can learn to live without a lot) then ignore anyone who may talk to you. Check out assistant asks how your day was? Avoid eye contact and say nothing. World Vision collector asks for your spare change? Scream, throw some newly acquired shopping at them, and run to your car. An old friend wants to catch up? Tell them (better to yell it at full volume) to leave you alone, you don't know them. Snobbing people could save your life.

4. Never, ever, under any circumstances, move to America

We all know that Americans are strange. But did you know, as Crim Minds has enlightened me, that all next-door neighbours in America are in fact psychopaths just biding their time? It's true! The nice old man to the sweet little child are all waiting to kill you! So avoid the whole country. It is simply easier that way. You just have to pretend that this very large country doesn't exist and then you will never want to visit it.

3. Stop exercising

That run that makes you feel really great is going to kill you, but not in the way that you think. Serial killers seem to hang out along running trails. They have their serial killer meetings in places where people will be jogging or biking or anything that involves exhausting your body and making you easy prey. Fit people are targets simply because they exercise. If you HAVE to exercise then make sure you do it in a group. But be warned, this too can be deadly unless you have police checked the backgrounds of everyone you are running with. Apparently it is most likely to be someone you know that kills you. You put that together with the whole serial killer obsession with running tracks and all I am saying is that you are gonna die if you keep doing this.

2. Shave your head

It is a well documented fact on Crim Minds that all the victims have perfect hair. Psychos love their hair do's. I mean who doesn't. So it is obvious that in order to avoid said killers, you should go home immediately and shave all your hair off. No crazy person wants to pick up a bald chick, it just doesn't happen. Some of the people on Crim Minds could be hair models!! All you will have to do when attacked it shine your gleaming bald pate at them and they will be the ones running away screaming. 

1. Get Fat.

This is my number one tip. It ties in nicely with number three, though number two may inhibit the amount you can eat to achieve this. All I am saying is that you never see a fat chick on the slab in the morgue. I may not be able to run fast from a person with a knife/gun/rope/taser but have you ever tried to move 140kg of dead weight? That sucker is never gonna get me in his car/van/basement. They are gonna give up after all of 5 seconds. If by some miracle they do manage to get me into their psycho pit of doom, there is the added benefit of a sharp instrument not penetrating as far into my body as with a skinny chick. I may survive a stabbing due to my bulk, whereas those skinny girls will definitely have a major organ hit. So start putting on the pounds people, it may save your life.

I can tell you without a word of a lie that these steps will save your life. I should now, I am a bald, fat, non-exercising, recluse who hates America. And I am safe from some tortured soul torturing me!!

I in fact did not go bald to save my life, but to support someone who is fighting for theirs. My mother in law has breast cancer (let me take this moment to say CHECK YOUR BOOBS LADIES). She is one stage below terminal and going through chemo at the moment. And her hair is falling out. Though this potentially is a bonus at keeping her safe from crazies, it is a difficult and emotional process and one that is not fun to go through.

When we saw how much she was struggling with losing her hair, hubby and I decided to shave our heads to show her that it is just hair, you can be bald and beautiful, and that we are with her every step of the way. 

I didn't think it was that big of a step before I did it, really I just though "woo, let's cut it all off!" Yet afterwards I realised a few things. Femininity, in our culture, is so tied to our hair that when I took it off I felt ugly, less of a woman, exposed, and...well, weird. I became worried that my husband wouldn't find me attractive anymore. I worried about going out into public because it felt like I had branded myself with "CANCER" on my forehead, even though i am not the one with it. I was emotionally rubbed raw, all from just losing my hair.

It has been eye opening to go through it though. I feel I am beginning to understand what my MIL is going through. I feel like I am getting an insight into what it must be like to not be able to hide your illness from others, to see them look, to see the sympathy in their eyes and yet have no one actually say anything about it. It is quite a journey and I have so much respect for the women who have to go through it. It has brought me so much more emotionally closer to my MIL, in ways I never thought would happen due to hair. 

Mama, we love you, and are praying for you.

BALD EAGLES UNITE!!!