Temptation and Weakness (or Reverting Back to my 16 year old Self)

Something happened to me last night. It hasn't happened for a long time. It happened in front of a couple of friends. It shocked and worried my husband. It left me broken and disgusted with myself, and embarrassed that I had sunk so low so fast.

What could possibly have happened I hear you ask?

I binged.

I gorged, overate, over-indulged, ate myself sick.

I at pizza and a really yummy dessert and I went totally overboard. And then, after I had gone to bed, I lay there thinking about the left overs in the fridge. So in the morning, for breakfast, I did it again.

I haven't done this is so long that is scared my husband. He was immediately asking me what was wrong, why I was doing this to myself. I ate my concoction of chocolate chips, cream, and flake chocolate and told him that nothing was wrong. I then I felt sick. And my first thought was to purge, something I haven't done in many many years. 

And then I started to think that maybe hubby was seeing something I wasn't, that maybe something was really wrong and I was missing it. 

Food is a drug to me. It has been for as long as I can remember. I have learned to control it somewhat. I no longer binge like I use to (save the last 24 hours) and I eat to maintain my body rather than to find solace or comfort. And so when something like this happens it is like an alcoholic picking up a glass of beer and sculling it. It means that something is very wrong and I really need to start analysing my behaviour.

In the past an episode like that would have spun me out of control. 24 hours would have moved into a week or a month or eating badly and too much. My shame and disgust with myself would feed my addiction and I would have turned to food to cover what my eating had caused. I would have used it as an excuse to continue eating without thought for my health.

This time I did something radically different.

I sat with hubby and talked it out. We discovered that I have been feeling exhausted and stressed. We have moved house this week also and so all our good routines went out the window the last 7 days. We also have taken in a teenager and that change in life has meant many other things have taken a back seat. All of these issues subconsciously triggered a binge of epic proportions that could have undone all my good work in losing weight if I had listened to those around me, namely my husband, telling me I was acting abnormally.

So instead of eating more, or mentally beating myself up, or 101 other destructive things I could have done, I went and had a sleep, then cleaned my fish tank, and ran some errands. I started a weekly menu board for dinners so I am more prepared and more organised in life to bring some routine back into it. And after I have finished this I am going to go for a walk and get some good endorphins flowing.

Life is hard and we slip up.

I wanted to write this to show that I am human, that I fall off the wagon, but it is what we do afterward, how we react to our mistakes, that defines us.

I had a moment. A bad moment. But not a moment that will destroy me or continue any longer. I will listen to those that care about me, take steps to put things in place to stop me falling down again, and move on.

I know I have readers that struggle with their weight, and I know that many of them will relate to this post. What I want you to take away from this is that there is hope, but only in community. There is strength, but only if you first rely and rest on others. There is continuation, but only if you first stop and take stock.

I may have lost this small skirmish, but it will in no way affect the outcome of the war.

Killing Ourselves Slowly

Fighting the Flab is back in progress. Just a quick update to let you all know where I am at.

Christmas for us, as with everyone else, is an absolute killer when you are trying to loose weight. We pretty much put everything off for a few weeks as the fun and frivolity took over. Perhaps not the best thing to do but there you are.

So Luke is an amazing husband and has stepped up to the mammoth task of helping me out on this front, or there is no way weight loss was never going to happen. 

Every morning we are going to get up and workout for an hour in the gym (30mins weights and 30mins cardio). We have done it twice now and I am sitting here in so much pain that I will only move for essential issues. My arms hurt, my legs hurt, my abs hurt....everything hurts. Luke is pretty much in the same boat.

We also went through our cupboards and freezer and fridge and gave away (to our all too willing neighbours) all the food that would be self sabotaging. Out went the peanut butter. Out went the heat and eat lasagne. Out went the fizzy drinks and Raro drinks. Oh, and the cheesecake. It was a sad day, we are still wearing black in mourning.

But we are determined. We are even giving up fizzy drink, fast food, chocolate and desserts for lent. 40 days of none of our favourite foods in order to remember what God did for us. Every time we get a craving hopefully it will remind us to pray and think of God.

So back on the treadmill we go. If you don't hear from us for a few days check the gym at Laidlaw: we may have collapsed and haven't been found yet :)

The Monotony of Life?

I was having a discussion the other day with a friend about his fear of the monotony of life. He told me he was afraid of living a life that was a 9-5 work day, coming home, tv, sleep, repeat. His fear was that life would get boring, friends would get boring and, worst of all, that family would eventually get boring.

This conversation has stayed in my mind the last week or so and I have wondered about his fears at those times in the night when everything is silent except all the thoughts in your head. I have wondered if he is right, that life is a treadmill of monotony and then you die. I have wondered if people have always thought like this, and if not, where did it come from? I have wondered and asked myself and the night if I too fear life being boring?

I think that in a life bombarded by advertising telling us that our lives will not be truly happy til we buy a, b, or c then it is totally understandable that we are growing generations of people terrified of being boring, of being still, of things not constantly changing. We have bred an age of people who do not know how to live the same day in and day out. We must be buying something new, seeing something new, going somewhere new, dating someone new. If life is boring it is our fault, the problem is with us and we must do something to fix it, to make it exciting again. The age of irresbonsibility (cunningly disguised in the title 'adolesence') is getting older and older because people are afraid of being responsible, of being boring.

But if you really stop to consider a life without routine I think that that is a decidedly scarier thought. Imagine a life where you can't rely on your job being there in the morning, can't trust your partner/spouse/boy/girlfriend to be there for you and consistent in the way they are (hmmm, actually that sounds a lot like some people I know....). Imagine not being able to rely on a paycheck every week, food on the table, money in the bank (well, most of the world lives like that so maybe we should count our blessings...). Imagine that the day in day out 'boring' stuff of life changed at random any day in liked and tell me how much fun would it be living in a world like that? Would it be less stressful, happier, more exciting? Or would it become so unstable that people would be desperate for monotony? Is that in fact why we have such high rates of suicide and drug and alcohol problems, because people can't stay up to speed with this world that changes so fast? Perhaps it is the boring that makes the exciting exactly that.

I am getting married in just over two months and, I have to say, I am looking forward to waking up everyday to the same face, to seeing him and dinner time, to knowing he will be there for me, to having our house with our stuff and not having the nomadic life of a single. Call me boring, but I think all of that is exactly what I was made to enjoy.