Sex! Powerful, wonderful, beautiful sex.
And I can write about sex now; I'm married!
I have been in church circles for many years. I have worked with youth who were and weren't having pre-marital sex. I have friends who have and have not had sex while going out. I myself was technically a virgin when I was first married and then faced the questions about sex after marriage and all that entails. I have had non-marital sex between my two marriages (when I was questioning everything I believed) and my current husband and I abstained until we were married. I have had a long and interesting 'relationship' with sex and what it means so I think I know a little about the subject.
That's really what I wanna talk about today.
Before marriage "Don't"
After marriage "Do".
And that's it.
I for one find this lack of anything a little deeper and more substantial a little unnerving and somewhat dangerous. There are a HUGE amount of misinterpretations that can happen around the 'Do' and 'Don't' and so much grey area that it's a wonder we aren't all stumbling around in the shadows!
The number of times I have heard from teenagers 'but that's not sex!' or the from new couples 'it won't ever go that far' shows how little we understand the nature and power of sex.
I grew up in a strict christian home and as a teenager I was pretty sure that if it couldn't get me pregnant then it didn't classify as sex and so I was fine in my eyes and in the eyes of God. But was I?
Before marriage the questions range around where oral sex, heavy petting, passionate kissing, etc all fit in. We all assume that everyone is on the same page as us when it comes to these topics and yet it is surprising how far ranging the ideas on these are. As you read this you could be thinking "Well of course all of those are ok pre-marriage, everyone knows that" while someone else is simultaneously thinking "absolutely not, everyone knows that true Christians only kiss on their wedding day". The interpretations are endless.
After marriage it actually doesn't get any less confusing. First of all there can being feelings of being 'naughty' on your wedding night because 24hrs ago you weren't allowed to have sex and now you are. There are also the ideas of if your engaged then no one cares if you have sex cause you will get married anyway. And then there are the questions around watching porn with your partner, sex toys, fantasy games etc. Are there rules even in marriage around how we should behave or is it no-holds-barred?
And what happens with divorced or widowed people who have had sex, have had that instinct and desire awakened, and then have to live with or without it for who knows how long?
The Big issue for me around all of these issues is how little we talk about them! When was the last time you heard a talk in church about the should's or should not's around sex toys in the marital bedroom? Or the do's/do not's around heavy petting? Or around the major temptation that faces engaged couples and what they should do about that when they aren't going to avoid each other and could be having sex in less than a month/week/day?
I have my own views on all of this that I have developed after years of searching, questioning and reading my Bible. And this is what I have come up with:
- Sex and sexual desire is a powerful force that we are meant to have and is a beautiful thing.
- It is damn hard to say no unless you have boundaries that are agreed to by both the people in the relationship and are in keeping with your beliefs.
- It is about treating the other person as fully human. If you go to the next step would you be doing it out of respect for the other person and respect for God? Would it bring out the beauty and humanness of the person or would you feel dirty and guilty afterwards?
- This can differ depending on the action and the couple but is something that NEEDS to be discussed at the beginning of the relationship. Don't wait til the heat of the moment or until you have gone too far to try and set those boundaries.
- If you do go over the lines you set, don't beat yourself up. God set us up to be this way and though there is planning and resistance and strength etc that we need to call on sometimes, especially for engaged couples, we go further than we planned.
- If this happens talk about it, pray about it, seek wisdom from people you can talk to and then let it go knowing God has forgiven you. DON'T see it as nothing but guilt and feeling bad about sexual stuff can hurt a relationship and be taken into marriage.
- DON'T try and make excuses to be able to do what you want, when you want. That is not honouring God and the other person.
- This applies to marriage too. It is up to the couple to set their boundaries and should be done in mutual respect and love for each other and God.
- Porn is not honouring to humans or to God so avoid it at all costs even if people say it is harmless in marriage.
- Find an already married couple (whether you are going out/engaged/married yourselves) that you trust and talk to them openly and honestly about the issues you face. Secrecy and lack of accountability is a very good way to fall into the trap of crossing boundaries you set for yourself.
- SEX IS GOOD!!!! Don't deny that or try and convince yourself otherwise. But be loving and wise.
That's my 2 cents from my lifetime of experience.I would love your thoughts on this. Feel free to argue with my points or add to them or to disagree with me completely! Let's get this convo started.
is it dangerous for a newly wed couple to 'all of a sudden' jump into such a deep intimacy and attachment? the deepest form of attachment is the deep knowing of somebody...kind of like how Adam knew Eve - and we all understand that this was an intimate kind of knowing...So I agree that penetrable sexual intercourse is best secured within a deeply committed relationship... but my question is, whether or not one may be able to slowly grow into this deep sense of knowing? can a couple slowly get to know each other sexually and slowly - until the apex of this maybe paramount itself in marriage/penetrable sex?? Just as there are stages of emotional attachment (which also expresses itself most deeply through the ceremony of marriage), there are stages of physical attachment (eg. holding hands, back stratch, cuddling, kissing, oral, sex). Through each of the stages of both dimensions, people obviously get to know each other more and more deeply until - marriage & sex. what are your thoughts Christine?
ReplyDeleteAnon: I think this is a very good and thought provoking idea. There is an element of bizzareness (if I can make up a word) that is attached to the idea that couples should do nothing and then jump to everything without any kind of build up. This is why I said that a couple shouldn't feel guilty if they go past the boundaries that they had set. It is natural that once you start being intimate on any level that it will lead to the next. As long as it is not forced or coerced or manipulative then I don't know if people can really stand in judgement.
DeleteHowever, I do think that a couple should seriously consider the ramifications of their actions before they do anything. What may be ok for one of the couple may not for the other. For example, oral sex. For some people this is totally ok, for others not so much. It is different for each couple. However, will it lead to sex when both of you were doing it to avoid sex (as some people do, they use it instead of)? Would you be ashamed if others knew you had? There will always be those that judge but would you feel ok talking about it to others that you trust? If not, why not? Would you be ok with it if you thought about the fact that God was a part of it (as he is with marital sex)?
I think all couples progress in some way or another if they have a healthy understanding of each other, God and sexuality, but it needs to be an open discussion that takes into full account the impact, emotional and otherwise, of anything you participate in.
Does that help?
Nice nice, I like what you have said. And yes, there is a huge element of being ashamed, and yes, this isn't because I 'know' that it is 'wrong', but moreso because of the social ramifications and not so subtle discourses that stop myself from sharing the vulnerable. When it comes to sharing it with other couples (most of whom are more liberal), there is no sense of shame no.
ReplyDeleteI like your blog, its cool.
anon :)
I don't have the time at the moment to post a reply, but can I just say THANK YOU and well done. I've been talking to my church leaders for a year now, asking WHY we don't talk about issues like this (and have gotten nowhere apart from 'its not appropriate on a Sunday morning') but it is so refreshing to read your honest, opening questioning :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks bro! I would love to start up something maybe going from church to church to do guest speaking at churches and in youth groups on this. Might be easier for them if they didn't have to do it lol
DeleteTotally need to be said!! The issue is so often treated one denominational, when we need to look at a whole range of issues. Thanks. There are so many gray areas out there theses days, and we never seem to talk about them. Good stuff.
ReplyDeleteFor me the biggest challenge comes from becoming 'sexually mature' (whatever that means) at as young as 11, and yet not being 'allowed' to expore/express/use this maturity until marriage - often at 25+ years old. What happens in the intervening 13+ years?? I think that that's where the discussion needs to start for youth and young adults (who are all in that situation) :-)
ReplyDeleteShot Christine!!!! solid!! =D was very thought provoking.
ReplyDeletei am now a follower!
DeleteAl Belcher I love how one person "anonymously" replies and you then name them hahaha go Christine.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously folks... I've made sweet love at least 6 times and I was talking with somebody the other day about it... not my sex, just in general and how Christians can go from being trained to despise sexuality until marriage because then it will be AMAZING, and in reality you can't expect to just ride a bike (no imagery or synonyms intended) you have to learn first and getting it right may not just click the first time, the idea might be bigger than the event. Maybe as Christians we are teaching people to be mentally overstimulated prematurely... it's like Pentecostal sex... from anonymous
what? I didn't name anyone! I called them Anon as in anonymous so they were sure I was replying to them in case someone else commented after them
Deletehaha that's funny.. I though the guys name was Anon... thinking asian or eastern for some reason... I'm an egg
DeleteHi Christine,
ReplyDeleteI think the whole tension comes... from church not living out family. I have noticed that churches who live out Christianity as a family have more healthy relationships and subsequent babies and families. The babies brought up in a healthy marriage is produced out of people meeting together regularly, not a pop-in 1.5-hour∞ commercial shop! I personally find it difficult to find people willing to talk openly and deeply in person - this to me is an unhealthy church. Likely legalistic or superficial. In a healthy environment, people get to KNOW each other. Masturbation is a natural tension release because of the collective churches inability to truly love one another.