The How To Guide for Destroying Yourself, Your Relationships, and Your Faith

A lot of things have been happening in my life of late but that just seems to be the norm in our household. We seem to reach a point of stability and then all hell breaks loose and we are left wondering what just hit us. I won't go into much detail, as that would be long and tedious for all involved, but I have had to repeat this little mantra of mine many times over the last month or so:

"I have Luke and I have Jesus, everything will be ok."

Now before everyone goes all theological on my ass, let me assert a couple of points.

1) if I did not have Luke I would still be ok. Distraught, but ok, because fundamentally it is Jesus who makes it all ok for me, but Luke is a nice bonus.

2) I am not saying "everything will be ok" like tomorrow will be sunny and full of fluffy bunnies, or that somehow holding on to Jesus makes my life stress free. But in the long run, even if something kills me, I believe that it will all be ok. Big picture stuff.

So back to my mantra. It keeps me sane knowing that I have a Saviour who loves me and a husband who adores me. It makes even hard things easier to deal with when I know that I have two amazing people to cry to and lean on. Doesn't make it fun though. Still sucks going through some stuff, especially when you see it hurting your partner.

Which is how I get to the title of my post:

The How To Guide for Destroying Yourself, Your Relationships, and Your Faith.

Oh yeah, I am a ray of sunshine today. Bear with me though, I do have a point aside from nihilistic wallowing.

I am a huge believer in confessing deep dark secrets in order to turn the light on them and sort them out. I have done it many times for many reasons and the response I usually receive is humbling, honest, supportive and loving. By being honest I have often given implicit permission to others to be honest also.

This is me being honest - gut churningly honest, this is not easy for me to admit to.

Most of you will know by now my issues with food. I can't hide my issues like some people do, I literally wear them. I have a fat suit that I have to wear everyday, look at everyday, deal with everyday. I have to acknowledge my limitations when I can't go as far or fast as others. I feel the pain in my joints when I walk. I find it hard to roll over in bed and have to wear a mask to breathe when I sleep.

I hate my issues. I hate that I have done this to myself.

But it doesn't stop me....and this is where my story starts.

I emotionally eat, so after the last few weeks I have been weaker in the self-control department. One morning I was talking to Luke about getting myself a coffee on the way to work. "Just a coffee" he said (because he knew where my head was at, not because he is a controlling deuche bag). "Of course babe, I wouldn't buy more." I said this BELIEVING that I wouldn't, DETERMINED I wouldn't.

1 hour later I was feeling sick from a binge on energy drinks and sweet treats. I felt guilty, ashamed, humiliated, angry....I hated myself then.

Then I went into bargaining mode with myself:

"It doesn't matter, know one will know"

"What about Luke?"

"He doesn't need to know, it will only upset him."

"But it's Luke, I tell him everything."

"He will be so angry [which he wouldn't] and would hate you [which he didn't] so don't tell him."

"But I feel like I am lying to him."

"It's only lying if he asks."

"What if he asks?"

Then I went into bargaining mode with Jesus:

"Look, I know I was stupid but please make it so that Luke doesn't ask because it would hurt him and hurt our relationship and you don't wanna do that to us do you?"

"I love you"

"Yeah yeah but could you just do this for me."

"Still love you"

I stressed about it all day. Worrying about Luke asking and catastrophizing it in my head. On the way home I kept praying that he wouldn't ask, don't make me admit to this to him.

(NOTE: as weight has been an issue for me and hiding food and binge eating have been real issues, hiding this from Luke is a problem. Not a little problem as some may think it is, but a real problem. You need to know the history to get it).

Luke asked.

He had to ask three times before I told him the extent of it.

The hurt in his eyes that I lied, the pain for me, and disappointment for all the work I had undone...all of these things crushed me. And I realised in that moment that you don't have to cheat or steal or physically hurt someone to ruin a relationship.

You just need to put something above your love for the other and your love for God.

It could be anything. For me it is food. It is an idol. I ruin my health, my relationships, my relationship with God over it. I would rather kill what has been given to me than to give up food. 

We all have that something that we love that is really destroying us. 

It might be something as obvious as drugs, alcohol, or cheating.

Or food.

Or maybe it is something more secretive like self-harming, picking at our skin, watching porn (or Geordie Shore *shudder*), reading romance novels at the expense of our marriages....I don't know but you do.

You, reading this, right now, have something that you know you can't control, don't want to control. It may even be your desire to control everything that is out of control!!!

Let me tell you this now:

It doesn't matter how trivial it may seem to the world.

It doesn't matter whether anyone else knows about it.

What matters is that it is controlling you.

It is causing you to hide it, lie about it, indulge in it, and it is destroying you.

Because you are not free until you give this up. You will never be free until it is gone. And when it is, when you don't have to hide anymore, your relationships and your faith will grow exponentially.

What would your life be like with this thing out of it?

What would it take to make that happen?

And are you prepared to do it?

The Heart Is Fickle (or Why living by feelings alone is stupid)

I have been noticing a worrying trend growing in Western culture.


It is the idea that we should do what we feel is right, that we should love who we feel we love, and we should follow our feelings in everything we do in life.


I call it "Attack of the Feels" and frankly, it terrifies me.


It may not seem that big of a deal to you, but then you would be feeling that it is ok to do what you feel, rather than using your logic to work this scenario out to its fullest extent.


Before we do that though (and yes, by the end of this I am hoping you will be as scared of feels as I am) let me look at some examples that are currently bombarding our news stories, facebooks, twitters, and all the other media out there (including blogs...woah, inception moment..)


The most obvious one is the "you can't help who you love" argument behind legalising gay marriage etc. (and again I must iterate that I AM NOT A HOMOPHOBE, nor do I think it is wrong that there is a secular understanding of marriage that is open to all people, I just don't think that it is in line with Christian teachings, but I have written other blogs about this so lets all just hold hands, sing Kumbayah and not hate on anyone for thinking differently ok?)


I understand what people are trying to say when they argue "you can't help who you love." They are saying that love is an overwhelming feeling that can hit you right between the eyes, and who does anybody think they are to allow some people the right to feel that and deny it to others?


I get that. Love IS powerful and overwhelming and it does hit people in different ways.


BUT, and here is where it gets tricky, let's follow that line of thinking down the track a wee ways.


This is the same argument that NMBLA uses. NMBLA stands for the National Man-Boy Love Association. It argues for peadophilia being legalised. It is a real thing. They argue that peadophiles can't help who they love - namely, small children - and seeing as paedophilia use to be accepted in ancient Greece and Rome, surely it isn't that bad. Scary thing, this is very similar to arguments used in pro-Gay debates.


The same arguments are also used for polygamous and polyamourous relationships, incest relationships, and even bestiality (the research on this depressed me no end).


THE ISSUE HERE is if you allow this argument for one lot of people, how can it be denied to another? According to some stats, there are more paedophiles per population than there are homosexuals, so are they not allowed a voice? But even if we discount them because it is involving children (just remember the legal age of consent in some countries is twelve, so they are not considered children) are we prepared to permit polygamous relationships? What about marrying yourself (which in some places is legal), does that mean you can apply for benefits for married couples? Where does that leave religious institutions who refuse to marry people in this way? Persecution? Do we open this up to so many different understandings of love that the meaning of what a relationship is completely disappears?


If it is all about how someone 'feels' the laws become open to debate by anyone who feels differently. There is no stability, no way to maintain any law or standard that keeps the understanding of relationships and family in such a way that structures like benefits, legal adoption/guardianship etc make sense.


Another Attack of the Feels is that to do with gender. I recently wrote a blog on this, so I won't go into too much depth, but being able to question your gender because you feel differently than what you are, would not long ago have got you psychiatric help. Now it is seen as a right that anyone has to change their gender and sexual idenitity.


Again, let's follow this through. That means nationality and race come up for question as well. If I feel I am a black man, how is it ok for me to change my gender but not my race? I may identify with black people more than white, and it is about what I feel isn't it? Because if it is not, then what grounds do I have to change my gender?


Religion is also becoming more and more about feels and less about truth. If I tell someone I am a Christian, well that's ok because I am allowed to feel that there is a God and I feel that Jesus was telling the truth. But if I try and tell someone that it is the Truth and that I can intelligently explain why, then that's not cool because how dare I push my faith on someone else when they don't feel that way.


If we follow that to it's logical end, then we will get to a place where there is nothing that is true, no one can claim an objective truth in anything. No law, no court, no statement can be believed as the Truth. No teacher can tell their students that something is true, because what classifies it as true? History? But history is open for interpretation and can be understood differently depending n your race, gender, creed etc. And if we have none of those anymore, then how are we to understand history? And if we cannot trust history, then we cannot trust that it can teach us anything.


So the deeper we get into living off feelings the more and more we HAVE to as we have nothing left to base anything on anymore.


There are many more examples, but just using these three a picture begins to emerge.


It is a picture that is distorted and confused, with no grounding on what is true and right and good.


There is no point to marriage because if I wake up feeling differently one day, the marriage should end ("I love him, I am just not IN love with him"). There is no commitment or loyalty as feelings are fickle and don't work like that.


There is no point in working as if I ever wake up feeling like I don't like my job (everyday...) then I will quit, because again, there is no sense of permanence, loyalty, stick-to-it-ive-ness.


There is no point in families, because even the word family has become so distorted and confused no one knows what it means anymore.


We are left with children who grow up not knowing truth or where to find it.


They will have no understanding of loyalty, permanence, relationships.


They will not understand sex, gender, or sexuality as it will be so fluid that being called a boy or a girl will mean nothing.


They will not understand what it means to be wrong, to be told, "no, you can't do that" or that something is false. None of those words will have any depth or conviction behind them.


Our children will grow into a world that can offer them nothing more permanent than how they feel each minute of everyday.


And what kind of world will children like that build?


God help us all.

2 Years On...Have I Learned Anything?

My husband and I just celebrated 2 years of marriage.

We met when we were both students with no responsibilities or commitments to speak of.

Nawww...look at us, so CUTE!!!!

Now he is working, I am studying (still), and we are looking after a teenager! Things have changed somewhat in the last two years. 

So I decided to do my top 5 things I have learned from being married to this amazing man...

5. The joy of Turtles, Butts, and Limpets.

Yes you read that right.

All of these three things have one thing in common: they are all nicknames that hubby and I use for each other. Kinda gooey and gross I know but we have a lot of fun with our nicknames. Turtle can become turtlebutt, or turtle limpet, or turtlelimpetbutt etc. I have no idea why this started. I know the first one was me calling him sweet cheeks (and not because of his smile wink wink, nudge nudge) but from then on in, it took on a life of it's own.

In fact, I am not sure I can remember the last time I actually used in name properly without any add ons or funny accents or anything. And I love it! It makes us laugh, keeps us from getting to serious with each other, and when you are angry with someone how can you not laugh when they are calling you a funny name to make you smile???

Look at that ass....


4. Dates to the Supermarket

If you have ever been a student you will know how hard it is to stretch the budget for anything other than the essentials. So for hubby and I, since day one of our relationship, actual dates have been out of the question for the most part.

So where do you go when you can't afford to go anywhere?

TO THE SUPERMARKET!!!

No jokes, one of my fav things still to do with hubby is just go and do the weekly shop with him. He may not feel that connected to our shopping adventures, but I feel like they give us time to slow down, pick little things out that we know each other likes, and a chance to talk about nothing much. When I don't do the shopping with him I find it stressful and icky. But doing it with him reminds me of when we were first dating, holding hands around everywhere because we couldn't get enough of each other, and choosing presents for each other.

Love in the vegetable aisle!


3. The Mundanity of Life

I love doing nothing with hubby. Seriously. As I write this we are sitting on different couches on our separate computers doing our separate things. But every five minutes or so he will look at me and say "I love you" or pull a funny face, or sing a line from a song, or 101 other weird things that he does that make me feel so loved. He also has this habit of getting up every once in a while just to kiss me, or reaching out with a hand or foot so he can touch me, even just for a second. I know he sounds too cutesy to be real, but it is true!

And I love it. I love doing the laundry with him and laughing as he pretends to get lost in the washing that is hanging on the line. Or cooking dinner and having him come up behind me to hug me and kiss my ear. Or cleaning the house and watching him rage over the vacuum cleaner. All these little things make life that much more amazing.

It's the little things....


2. The world's cheapest bouquets

One of my most favourite things are the flowers that hubby gets me.

He doesn't buy them.

He picks them.

Yup, this man is so perfect that he goes out of his way to look for pretty flowers to pick for me.

In fact, the other night, on our anniversary, we couldn't afford to go out and do anything special, so my man faked a phone call, went outside, found different kinds of flowers, and brought them back for me.

Now some people will say that is cheap. But for a girl like me who had never really been given flowers before in her life, the fact that he thinks of such things makes me go all gooey inside. That he wants to go out of his way like that for me, or that he would see a pretty flower and think of me. I don't know if it would be better if he had spent heaps of money on a flash bouquet. To me, his ones are perfect.

If they are good enough for God...


1. CUDDLES!!!!

My absolutely number 1 favourite thing of all time is getting to go to bed with my hubby and lie in his arms as we talk about our day. It is the place I feel safest and most at home and most loved. I love it when we are falling asleep and he rolls over to snuggle into my back. Or when he randomly grabs me and hugs me during the day. And I like it when things progress to the 'special cuddle' too :P

My man is definitely a lovey dovey kinda guy and it has taught me to be as well. He commented the other day that in the last two years I have become so much more relaxed and carefree. And he is right. I have. And it is thanks to having someone who makes me laugh all the time.

Two years is not a long time but it has been long enough for me to realise that there is such a thing as joy in life. It has shown me that even when stresses happen (and believe me, the last two years we have had our fair share) that they pale in comparison to the fun and happiness that can come from just letting yourself be a little bit silly and letting yourself be loved.

So Turtlebum, happy anniversary. I love you xxxx

Time to Run

(For those who don't know my story you can find it here. To understand what I am about to talk about it might pay to check that one out first as they are related)

I have been married to Luke a year now. We are very happy. I love him very much and love being with him.

I have been married before. I don't talk a lot about what I went through then for a variety of reasons. The first and foremost is that it is too hard most of the time. The second is that my ex isn't around to ogive his side of the story and I feel it is unfair to talk about what went on without his side of it to balance it out. So as you read this please remember that these are my views only and it needs to be remembered that my side of the story doesn't include what was going on for him. Give him the benefit of the doubt, everyone is messed up.

My first marriage was messed up. I wasn't allowed a key to our front door so I couldn't leave the house when he was at work otherwise it was unsafe. The number of tampons and toilet paper squares I was allowed to use were counted out when necessary. I was used to play games on his friends without my knowledge or consent. I had nude pictures of me left on a computer that was given to a friend. I remember sitting outside our bedroom door and screaming and crying because he wouldn't open the door and talk to me and tell me what was wrong.

I lived in a state of anxiety and fear, partly because of him and because of my mental illness. It all came to a head when I came home from a two week stay in the psych ward and had my next door neighbour tell me that his current girlfriend (yes there was more than one and yes I knew about them) had been living at my house while I had been ill.

I left not long after.

Why am I telling you this? Why now?

Because I have finally come to the realisation that I cannot outrun these memories.

The last few days I have spent feeling angry and down and I wasn't sure why. I felt myself drawing away from Luke and not wanting to let myself tell him what was going on. So I did the opposite. I told him how I was feeling and we have spent a few evenings trying to figure out what is going on.

Today, I finally figured it out.

My first marriage left me with a sense of abandonment that stuck with me for a very long time. I was angry at him, but more than that I was destroyed that he didn't come looking for me. I was unwanted, unloved and I lost any self esteem I had left when that happened. I spent the next two years between separating and divorce trying to move on from the damage that had been done. I tried to outrun my pain.

When I got divorced I was terrified that I was now going to have to put myself on the shelf, that being divorced meant I couldn't get married again. When I met Luke it took months before I was brave enough to even go out with him because I was afraid that I was doing the wrong thing. The fear arose again when we got engaged. Since then I have been pretty ok.

We celebrated one year a few weeks ago. At that point my subconscious kicked in and all the fear I had of getting married again came up. Because I am afraid of the punishment.

Now bear with me, I know that God isn't vindictive and angry like that, but my heart hasn't clicked on to that fact yet. I am terrified of losing Luke and that, if I do, it was my fault for marrying him in the first place.

I am terrified of him leaving me, or him dying, or something hideous happening. My life doesn't get this good without something bad happening and so I am waiting for the proverbial to hit the fan. My old counsellor would call it PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), I would call it learning from my history.

And so when we turned one together all my fear started to resurface. Then he went away to parachute for 4 days and it was like I was being left all over again. I started to draw away to protect myself from being hurt. I didn't want to tell him what I was feeling in case he laughed at me.

Instead I told him. I then I spent the day with Jesus, listening to music, writing every thought in a journal and being honest with my words about what is actually going on with me.

The reason I write this here is because there are so many people who have been left and abandoned in their lives. Those fears go with you even when you think you have outrun them. The past makes us who we are and we can't blank out our minds to what has happened to us.

But there is hope.

It starts by being honest. By going against your instincts to run away and to take a leap of faith and trust someone who has proved trustworthy. If you don't know someone like that then go to see a professional.

Be honest with yourself too. You can't do anything until you acknowledge how deep the hurt goes. With me it is in so deep it took four days to come to light. Sit with it, even though it is uncomfortable, and figure it out. It's then that you can work it out.

Be honest to God. God is the only one who knows how hurt you really are and there can be peace that can really help you get through it.

But is our perceptions of God that can really mess up our issues. When I am scared my image of God seems to move from one of a loving benevolent father who wants to love me to one of wanting to punish and hurt me. And I am not sure how to overcome that yet. But I am going to try. Because once I can figure that out then maybe it won't be so damn hard to pray when I am freaking out.

And maybe then I won't blame myself when things go wrong. 

A Year On...

Last Monday me and my hubby celebrated one year. It was a glorious day to remember all the wonderful things that we learnt over the year. Here are some of the silly and serious things that I wanted to pass on to any who are in, or planning to be in, a relationship.

1. The best things are the silliest. One of my fav things about Luke is how we can be such goofs together. Things like crump battles to metal music, nose battles (yes nose) and pretending to be octupuses (octopi??) are the funniest and best things!

2. Nose battles are perhaps the funniest and most competitive battles out there. You start with foreheads and noses against each other and then try and get your nose under the other persons and push it up until it is squashed. You know you have won when you can kiss the other person and they can't breathe!

3. It's ok to be silent together. Sometimes Luke and I go a whole day without really talking but we are i the same room and we take 5 second breaks to get up and go say hi to each other. Real love is comfortable.

4. Secrets are worse than mess ups. This is something I learnt in my last marriage but it totally applies!! We try to be completely one hundred percent honest. Sometimes it takes a couple of days depending on how silly or guilty you feel but it is sooo much better to be hurt than feel lied to.

5. In-laws can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you decide to treat them. Luke has never met my parents for various reasons, but I have met both of his sets. At first I was awkward (it happens) but it was up to me to get over that. It is really your call whether they will be your best friend or worst enemy. (btw his parents are awesome!)

6. Talking about past relationships can be awkward but needs to be done if you are ever gonna be able to move past things. Sometimes the best thing for both of you is to talk about the stuff that is the hardest to say.

7. If you are broke, like we are, then make sure you don't put every cent away for savings or bills. You need time out for both of you! We try and go out for dinner when we can. We can only afford the same place every time (which means we know the staff pretty well) but it gives us a place to feel like we are still dating.

8. Sex is a wonderful thing! Enough said.

9. Just cause you're married don't think that your issues before married will go away. If anything it will accentuate them. So talk about them! Even if you don't talk about them they are gonna become obvious really soon so don't think anything is gonna get hidden after the vows.

10. Chores suck so make them fun. Do them together, put on some music. Have a crump battle while vacuuming (if only I had videos). Don't fight about them, just get them done.

So that's my top ten. I have had the best year of my life. For the first time I feel I have memories I can cherish and love that I would really fight for. Marriage is a wonderful thing. It can be bloody hard too but at the end of the day you should be with your best friend and having the time of your life. Luke makes me laugh like nobody else. He also drives me crazy like nobody else. Like he told me on our anniversary, there is no one else he loves annoying more than me. 

But there is also serious stuff. There is the facing up to your own issues and seeing your faults highlighted by your relationship. There is so much humility that goes into relationships. A lot of honesty too. And putting up with snoring and people stealing the blankets (not that I am pointing the finger :p). 

I also realised that after spending years checking out the potential dating market, it is really hard to retrain your brain.

Bear with me here, I am not saying that I am scoping out other men when I am with Luke. I don't need to, Luke has the sexiest buns I have ever seen (don't blush baby hahah). But for years being a single woman, every man you meet is a potential until otherwise friend-boxed. It's true of boys and girls who are single. We can't help it. We want to be with someone so there is always the radar out there.

When you start dating and get married then it is all suppose to change. And it does. But it is hard to retrain your neurones after years of following the same path. So at work a nice looking man comes in and you find yourself flirting. Or someone gives you the eye on the bus and you preen a little. Or, and it happens, you find yourself attracted to someone else.

This happened to me this year. A guy at work was flirting with me and I felt pretty and quick as that the idea was planted in my head. I fought it, but it is like a worm that gets in and is hard to get out. I felt so bad that I could think about someone else, even if only a little bit, in my first year of marriage!! I felt guilty. I didn't want to tell Luke, I knew it would hurt him.

But we got some amazing advice when we had premarital counselling. They said to us that the best way to kill desire is to bring it out into the open with your spouse. And it's true. Secrets can only grow as long as they stay secret. So I told Luke, and within a day or two the ideas were gone and I was viewing this dude in a totally different light.

People sometimes ask why I put this stuff up here, why I tell the truth so much. I guess because if I do then it gives other people permission to be honest too. Seriously, these topics need to be discussed, if not with others then in your relationships.

This year has been amazing. I have never felt so loved and wanted by anyone before. I am sure there will be years that won't be as amazing but for now, life is pretty damn sweet :)

You don't complete me

After my post the other week (My Story Part 2) I have had a couple of comments about how people are so glad that I found happiness in Luke.

The thing is, this is wrong. Sweet but wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anyone else. He is amazing and funny and sweet and I would be devastated if I ever lost him.

He just doesn't complete me.

As fabulous as my Luke is, he is not me.

Confused? Lemme explain.

I think one of the big issues with how the world portrays love is that we are some how made 'whole' or 'completed' by the person we love.

This is really really bad.

It means that essentially we are making that person our god.

Whether we are happy or not depends on their existence and mood.

Whehter we are ok depends on whether they are ok.

If we happen to be single then chances are we are expected to be miserable and on an active hunt to find our 'other half'. If we aren't then there is something fundamentally wrong with us because we are missing the puzzle piece that completes us.

I did that once. My ex husband was my god and I was nearly destroyed by it ending. I refused to let it ever happen again.

So instead, I placed my hope in God.

I found my identity and strength in Him. First and foremost I am a child of the risen King and it is he who makes me whole. No one else.

Not even Luke.

And Luke knows this.

I have told him straight up that if he left or died or whatever I would be absolutely gutted beyond any mere words but I wouldn't be destroyed.

I would survive, I would still find joy, I would be ok, because I wouldn't be any less me. I wouldn't suddenly have half of me removed. I may be traumatised but I would be me.

Because my joy is not found in Luke. My joy is found in God.

Luke is my bonus prize.

So to all the people out there who are glad that I found my joy in Luke, let me correct you.

Luke makes me happy, very happy, but my joy is found in the Lord.

It was there before Luke, it will be there after him.

And I think that is the way it should be. Relationships should not be about completing each other but about pointing each other toward a deeper relationship with God.

Only if you are whole in yourself, in God, can you have a deep mutual relationship with another.

So to Luke, I love you so much, but I am so glad that you don't complete me.

Til Death Do Us Part?

So after my last blog (depressing much!!?) it is time for a change in topic. Enough about weightloss, it's a boring subject really, kinda like watching paint dry (or fat melt lol). I am once again optimistic and driven so let's forget about that for a while.

That's right, everybody take a big sigh of relief.

Now on to something far more interesting!!

As you all know, I have the best husband in the world. Actually. Sorry if you think your's is the best; you are wrong. And this has nothing to do with me loving being right. 

You are just wrong. Simple as that.

(awwww aren't we the cutest!!!)

My amazingly wonderful husband and I were talking in bed last night about how sad it is that even the best things, like marriage for example, are tainted by the sadness that one day it ends in death.

Yes, I am serious, we talk about things like that in bed.

Maybe we both need counselling.

We weren't being morbid just for the fun of it, rather we were debating whether or not there is marriage in heaven (*co....geeks....ugh*)

Luke was saying how sad he would be if he wasn't married to me in heaven (seeeeee....best husband EVER!! He said it without any prompting even!). Kinda made me teary hearing him talk like that but my view of heaven is way different.

If Jesus wipes every tear from our eye and there is no more death then heaven seems like a pretty awesome place to be.

(Note: when I speak of 'heaven' I want to put a disclaimer out that this means anything after death whether that be heaven, new earth or renewed earth. Lemme just say that before some theology nerds argue with me over something I don't mean haha).

Also, if heaven is where our love for God and love for each other is perfected then we would have overwhelming love for complete strangers. Not erotic love, so whether or not there is sex is heaven is an interesting addition to this, but love where we see the other as fully human and loved by God.

If this is the case then we would never be lonely. We would never want for companionship. We would find people to talk to and share life with wherever we go.

Would then this render marriage obsolete?

If our deep emotional connections were being fulfilled elsewhere would the purpose of marriage in heaven be only for children? But if everyone lives forever wouldn't it get really overpopulated really fast?

I see marriage in this life as an amazing wonderful gift where we can experience the closest we can to what it means to be loved fully by another human being. And even then it gets messy at times.

Will we need that in a place where we experience love all the time?

There is also the issue of what happens if say, hypothetically, I die tomorrow? If Luke and I are married in heaven does that mean for the rest of his life he must remain a widower?

I would hate him to be alone for the rest of his time here!!! But it would make things a tad tricky if he then had to choose which woman he wanted for eternity (I might get the tinsiest bit homicidally jealous if it wasn't me. Just saying).

I kind of like Luke. He is pretty awesome. And the thought of us being separated by death sucks big time.

But does death part us? 

Or does it lead us into a new understanding of each other, of God and of others?

I guess no one really knows til we get there, until then I will just keep treasuring our night time talks, morbid or not, and every moment I get with him.

The Monotony of Life?

I was having a discussion the other day with a friend about his fear of the monotony of life. He told me he was afraid of living a life that was a 9-5 work day, coming home, tv, sleep, repeat. His fear was that life would get boring, friends would get boring and, worst of all, that family would eventually get boring.

This conversation has stayed in my mind the last week or so and I have wondered about his fears at those times in the night when everything is silent except all the thoughts in your head. I have wondered if he is right, that life is a treadmill of monotony and then you die. I have wondered if people have always thought like this, and if not, where did it come from? I have wondered and asked myself and the night if I too fear life being boring?

I think that in a life bombarded by advertising telling us that our lives will not be truly happy til we buy a, b, or c then it is totally understandable that we are growing generations of people terrified of being boring, of being still, of things not constantly changing. We have bred an age of people who do not know how to live the same day in and day out. We must be buying something new, seeing something new, going somewhere new, dating someone new. If life is boring it is our fault, the problem is with us and we must do something to fix it, to make it exciting again. The age of irresbonsibility (cunningly disguised in the title 'adolesence') is getting older and older because people are afraid of being responsible, of being boring.

But if you really stop to consider a life without routine I think that that is a decidedly scarier thought. Imagine a life where you can't rely on your job being there in the morning, can't trust your partner/spouse/boy/girlfriend to be there for you and consistent in the way they are (hmmm, actually that sounds a lot like some people I know....). Imagine not being able to rely on a paycheck every week, food on the table, money in the bank (well, most of the world lives like that so maybe we should count our blessings...). Imagine that the day in day out 'boring' stuff of life changed at random any day in liked and tell me how much fun would it be living in a world like that? Would it be less stressful, happier, more exciting? Or would it become so unstable that people would be desperate for monotony? Is that in fact why we have such high rates of suicide and drug and alcohol problems, because people can't stay up to speed with this world that changes so fast? Perhaps it is the boring that makes the exciting exactly that.

I am getting married in just over two months and, I have to say, I am looking forward to waking up everyday to the same face, to seeing him and dinner time, to knowing he will be there for me, to having our house with our stuff and not having the nomadic life of a single. Call me boring, but I think all of that is exactly what I was made to enjoy.