Dear Miley...

Dear Miley,

I have seen lots of posts about you this week. I almost didn't write this as I didn't want to be seen getting on the band wagon and giving more fuel to this fire. But I honestly hope that this finds it's way to you in some miraculous, God-intervention way. Or at least it helps other young woman think.

Because Miley, the press you are getting is not good press. And not all publicity is good publicity. Most people are saying that you have fallen off the rails, are acting in a manner that is unseemly and callous, that you are over sexualising the youth of today etc. 

What I haven't read is anyone talking about you.

You see, I know you because I was you. Yes, I didn't have the cameras and stage lights to pick out my every move and fault. No, no one has ever heard my name or seen it in lights like you. But as I watched you on stage I saw myself five years ago. 

Miley, I grew up until my teenage years the good little innocent Christian girl. Maybe a little more like Hannah Montana. And I grew up with everyone expecting me to turn into the good little innocent christian woman. But I didn't. I couldn't handle the pressure of being perfect and I found drinking, boys, and sex. I started going to clubs when I was only a few years older than you are now. I danced with men the same age as Robin and I danced with them in much the same manner you did on stage. But no one scrutinized me. No one told me what a bad role model I was making. Everyone at the club was acting the same. We just aren't admitting it.

I drank a lot too. I wasn't rich enough for the drugs you say you are into but alcohol was my 'drug of choice'. My favorite songs were ones like you sing, about having fun and no one telling us what to do. I was having fun Miley, I even cut my hair off too, before you made it cool, and went all punk just to show how bad ass I was.

The thing is Miley, I was you. I grew up with girls like you. I have held your hair as you vomited alcohol and bile. I have picked you up from police stations the morning after. I have laughed about our crazy times with you and gone clubbing with you. In fact sometimes it seems that all young 20 something's in my country are you!! 

And yet now, we deny that you are us, that the person dancing is dancing like us, we just do it with the lights down low and where kiddies can't see us. But we love being you and want to be you until you show us who we really are. Then we put our blindfolds on and pretend we never looked in that mirror.

You are not a horrible person. I don't know how you feel about your performance on stage but I know that no one person is to blame for the way one individual acts, especially on stage. Your manager, friends, co-performers, everyone who had anything to do with the performance could have told you to stop. But they didn't, because you, Miley, are their cash cow. They will let you do what you want until their is no more money to be made and then you will be left with one almighty hangover.

But Miley, there is hope for all of us out there who have bought into this shallow version of what it means to have fun and be happy. I found it. Or rather it found me. I had a friend who was brave enough to tell me the truth. Do you have friends like that Miley? For whatever reason, that night I listened to that friend for the first time. I am now five years sober Miley, celebrating my fifth birthday this November. I know you grew up in a Christian home so will roll your eyes at the next part (like I use to with any of these kind of stories) but Jesus found me that night and my life changed.

When I watched your performance I didn't see a young woman come into her own, nor did I see a rebellious girl who is acting out. I didn't see a sexualised teenager or someone with daddy issues. Instead I saw myself and countless other women I know. And it broke my heart for you Miley, it really did.

So if this ever finds its way to you, and I don't care if it is years from now, I need you to know that one person didn't hate you or revile you. One person didn't say you were a disgrace or disgusting. At least one person saw you for what you are - a woman made in the image of God.

(to all people who may know a 'Miley' in their lives, be brave and tell them the truth. Not in anger or disgust but in love. It may change their life. Also feel free to share this with whomever you like and to contact me if you would like advise for you or someone else on getting clean and sober)

Disability and the Bible

Disability and the Church

Cool guys don't look at explosions....

      

SPOILER ALERT!!

I am sitting at my in laws house watching the above movie. 

Now I have always been a keen action movie fan. Despite the crap scripts and easy to guess plot lines, and despite the fact that the main characters always have more muscles than acting talent,watching stuff explode followed by the inevitable witty one liner has always appealed.

So let me say I am more shocked than anyone else to find that this has changed!!

I mean Bruce Willis!? Who can say no to a good Bruce Willis flick??

And yet something is sitting ill at ease with me as I watch cars flipping and the chandeliers falling and the gratuitous use of swear words and the name of Jesus used as a profanity. And not for the reasons you are thinking.

There seems to me to be someone fundamentally wrong with a world that pays millions of dollars to watch a movie that cost millions of dollars to make because it blew up millions of dollars worth of stuff.

Does any one else wince when hundreds of cars are destroyed simply to make a good 30 second shot? Does anyone else consider it an injustice to a country to go into the poorest parts in order to cheaply destroy and rebuild people's houses in order for entertainment? Does anyone think that it is bad form to pick at the worst parts of a country's history in order to create a plot line or a believable villain?

Does anyone else think that the movie industry earns its money by playing of the real world horrors of war, murder, death and destruction? Not to mention the twisted use of sex.

Now maybe I am getting old, or maybe my study has warped my brain, but when I watch people purposely smash into cars I tend to think of innocents who in real life may have had their lives destroyed by uncaring drivers. I watch people get their brains blown out and think of the families that never get to see their loved ones after they have died overseas in war.

Movies like these hold no joy for me anymore. The more real they get the more I am disgusted. The more the cool guys pay no attention to the havoc they wreak, the more angry I become with the industry as a whole.

Movies are our new day colosseum games. We watch the gladiators kill each other in ways that put us right in the ring with them. The reality of what we watch in a movie means we may as well be watching the real thing. The blood splatter, the life like choking of people, the use of people as pawns in a game. 

Why do we need this? What drives our blood lust? What makes us want to watch body bits blown off people? What makes us cheer when the good guy walks away without looking back at the explosion?

I am coming more and more to think that it is our fallenness humans that fuels the movie industry. Our desire for bigger, better, faster. Our drive for sex and violence. Our altruistic tendencies that turn people into objects to be watched. We know it is acting and no one is really getting hurt so we excuse the fact that we are turning war into entertainment, that we revel in true death of the baddy, that we want revenge and not forgiveness to win out in the end. As long as the good guy gets to walk away in one piece we will quite happily forget what he did to the hundreds of people he left in tatters behind him. We want a hero, not a saint, and heroes make things messy sometimes.

There are too many movies out there that sell on sex and death. There are so few stories of real redemption, forgiveness and healing. There are so few stories that show the best of humanity rather than the worst. And as I write this I am watching a man be thrown into the blades of a helicopter instead of being arrested and taken to trial. His daughter is killed too, instead of getting counseling for having a psychotic maniac as a father. Makes my point quite well I think.

*sigh* theology has destroyed my ability to mindlessly watch anything anymore.

I guess I will stick with Despicable Me.

Beautiful People

 I am excited about tomorrow.

Tomorrow I get to spend the day with a group of people in discussion with theologian Vinoth Ramachandra. 

I feel like a kid before Christmas!

Vinoth is one of the foremost writers in theology and culture and is a personal hero of my mentor Rod Thompson. To get to spend time in conversation with a man of this stature and intellect is such an honour and a privilege. Squeals of excitement happening over here.

I am currently reading a book that Vinoth produced back in the 90's called 'Gods That Fail' looking at culture, modern idolatry, and christian mission. It's some good reading on the side of all my study and I highly recommend it.

I also had a great day going to my weight watchers meeting. There is something really wonderful about sitting with a group of people who understand what you are going through and who are really supportive. 

But reading Vinoth and doing WW has got me thinking about what we idolize in our culture. 

                                         

I would like to say that health, weight and beauty are some of those idols.

Now a lot of my blogging inspiration comes from things I see on tv and this is no exception. There are so many ads that are aimed at losing weight, looking good, and being attractive. How many times a day a we told that the way we look is not good enough? If only we were to lose ten kilos, buy this make up, wear these clothes, then we would be sexy and desireable and life would be better.

Being fit, skinny and sexy become all important. As a larger size woman I can tell you that it is freaking hard to get stylish clothes that aren't only for skinny people. Labels don't want to be associated with big bodies. Don't believe me? Check out what the CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch said in recent statements about his brand! I have even been into a store to buy a present for my sister to be told at the door that the store wouldn't have anything suitable for a woman of my size. The woman was lucky not to get punched in the face!

Joking, I am a pacifist.

I make pacifiers out of my fist.

No really, I am joking. Not a violence fan. But I was really offended. So some other store got my money.

What I am constantly told as a woman of size is that I need to buy something to make me feel better or look better, or I will turn out like the stereotypical fat person on tv and movies who is comedic relief and never gets the hot guy. 

Fat is ugly, unhealthy, unsexy and therefore of the devil.

Yes, I agree that having fat is unhealthy. But not to the point where health becomes a god. 

But this obsession doesn't end with weight. We have an absolute paranoia of germs! The number of ads there are for the latest product that will get rid of 99% of bacteria is insane! We are breeding a generation that will have no immune system when they grow up because they are growing up in sterile homes. And think of what those chemicals are doing to our bodies!

Being healthy is good, but when is it finally too far?

        

What does it say to the person in a wheelchair when they turn on the tv and see the new Special K ad that tells them that to be human is to run and move? What does it say to the terminally ill child when they are told that the best child is a healthy child? What does it communicate to the woman who has had a double mastectomy and has lost her hair to cancer treatment when she is told that long hair is beautiful and women with big breasts are more attractive?

What is it saying to you when you are bombarded every day with images telling you that you are not good enough, pretty enough, healthy enough, sexy enough?

There has to be another way!

There has to be another message to listen to!

Well it's your lucky day because here is one that was prepared earlier....

God is a God of messed up, ugly, broken people.

That means that God is the God of us all.

All throughout history we can see God using the foolish and non-beautiful people of the world to make a difference. Jesus came down in the form of a carpenters son, not a prince, and it says explicitly in the gospels that he didn't look like anything special.

God doesn't love the bikini model more than the paraplegic. God doesn't care if you run every day or if you have never seen the inside of a gym or know what one is!

God doesn't love me because I am fat, or because I am trying to lose weight. God loves me because I am me. I don't have to be special, I don't have to change the world. I don't have to be famous or have a viral YouTube clip. I don't have to fit the latest fashions or wear branded clothing. Because in the end all that stuff is meaningless anyway. In the end the prettiest model is going to get old like me, die like me, and rot in the ground like me.

The difference is where we go from there.

I lose weight so I don't get a disease later in life, so I can have children safely, and so I don't die way younger than my husband.

Not so I look sexy or fit a pair of jeans or to look pretty.

                                      

We have made being sexy, skinny, and pretty such an idol that is consumes us. Men are accustomed to viewing the bodies of models and porn stars and become disappointed with reality. Women are obssessed with looking younger and skinner to the point of starving themselves. Both sexes expect their partner to look sexy all the time or their attention will go elsewhere. 

There is a different way. There is a way to be loved where it isn't your appearance but the content of your character that is what is important. 

You are loved this way by God.

Perhaps we can learn to love others that way too.

                                 

The Life I Deserve

 

I have noticed a trend recently in ads on TV. It goes something like this:

You need product X. 

Product X will make your life perfect.

And you deserve a perfect life.
So get product X.

You deserve it.

It seems to be a common theme. I am sitting here watching TV on a Friday night and just counting the ads that tell me what I deserve (no, I have nothing better to do, and yes I am a geek). In one 5min ad break there were 4 ads telling me how I deserve to have what they are offering.

I find this a fascinating concept.

Firstly, how egotistical are they?! If I am as amazing as they say then I deserve only the best. And they say that the best is them! Now as a Kiwi I am obliged to cut down any tall poppies I see so I immediately feel suspicious when they start telling me how amazing they are. 

Time to burst their little bubble I think.

YOU ARE NOT SO GREAT. YOU SMELL. YOU LOOK FUNNY.

There, that should do it.

But it isn't that that bugs me. I don't really mind if they are a bit arrogant. I can live with that.

No, the question I ask myself every time is, why? Why do I deserve this? What have I done to deserve anything? What about being human means I feel I deserve having pretty, expensive things?

I am not saying that my self esteem is so low that I think I shouldn't have pretty things. I like pretty things and I like having them, but there is something fundamentally wrong with us believing that some how we have a 'right' to having money, we have a 'right' to having everything we want.

Coz we don't. 

If we look at the biblical story, there is nothing to tell us that we have the right to anything! In fact it is quite the opposite.

We have no right to anything.

        

Everything is God's and it is through graces that we are given what we have. 

In fact, the only thing that we deserve is to grow old and die with no hope for anything else. It is only through grace that we exist, that we have hope, that we are alive and survive. To say otherwise is to take the grace of God and cheapen it.

We cheapen it by saying that we deserve all we want and we want it immediately. We leave no room for the providence of God. We stop relying on God and start relying on our money. We can provide for ourselves and we can spend what we want without feeling guilty. Who cares that there are people in the majority of the world who can't afford three meals a day, we deserve that new diamond ring for thousands of dollars. In fact, if we don't get it it will mean our partner doesn't love us enough, we deserve it and they should know that!

                        

We cheapen it by saying we deserve to look like models on TV. It doesn't matter that this is how we were made and God thinks we are beautiful. We cheapen God's grace by judging others by how they look, not through the love God has for them. We deserve the 'perfect' body and face. God obviously made a mistake. People with disabilities are broken and we hide them away so we don't have to be reminded that life can get difficult and doesn't work perfectly. We want to fix what we think God has done wrong. 

We cheapen it by demanding what we want and refusing to wait for it. We no longer want to wait for the voice of God in the small whisper. We don't want to be told no. We want it and we want it now. God sometimes takes time. Grace is always perfectly timed. But we don't want that. We arrogantly say that everything must be done when we want it because we DESERVE to have it now.

So we reject God's gifts, timing, and creation because we think that we deserve something more than has already been given us. We think that we are some how more deserving than others so we need the latest thing to outdo our friends and family. 

Well let me tell you, you don't deserve it. You may want it, you may like it, you may even buy, but you don't deserve it.

Remember who deserves the praise. Remember that God deserves praise because life only happens because God deems it to be so. We only have hope because God first died for us. God deserves our love and devotion because without God we aren't.

It is only because God wants you alive that your are alive. Don't forget that in amongst all the calls for your attention and money that there is only one person who really deserves it.

And only then will you actually find joy in life.

       

Family, Brokenness, and Acceptance

Wow, I just checked out my blog stats and I am nearly on 8000 views of this blog! A MASSIVE thank you to you, yes YOU, who is reading this and who keeps me writing. I am honoured by your presence here and the fact that you find me interesting enough to keep reading.

If you are new here I recommend reading my blog post 'My Story' in order to understand where I am coming from on various issues. I make a lot more sense with a little background knowledge going on. 

I have been pretty slack at these blog posts recently as I am currently writing my Masters thesis and that tends to take up a lot of my time. As well as that I run a small group for young adults (hence the various blogs with flowcharts) so the planning for that can (or should) take up some of my time too. But enough excuses, let's get on with the show.

I have up until today refrained from talking at length about my relationship with my family. This has been for several reasons.

1) I have felt that it is unfair to share my issues without them having a proper chance to respond.

2) Talking to a bunch of strangers (no offence guys) is perhaps not the best way to deal with some issues.

Yesterday however, I watched a Dr. Phil show that really hit a nerve. It was portraying a family of three children who were desperate to make contact with their dad but he kept making excuses. Though they all proclaimed love for their father they were furious at him and he couldn't understand why they kept yelling at him if they wanted a relationship.

That's not what struck me.

There was a young girl, 17yo, who said that if she could have anything it would be to be able to call her dad, talk about her problems, do fun things with him, and have him as her confidant. 

It was a heartfelt plea.

It was also a major cause of the problem.

I say this because I truly believe that the world has told us what a 'perfect' family should look like. I am not talking about a mum, a dad, and 2.5 kids. What I am talking about is the 'Simpsons' idea. 

Family is dysfunctional, the Simpsons tells us, but ultimately everyone will get along. By the end of the half hour dad will have realised his mistake and apologised, mum would've realised she loves the silly man after all, the kids will realise they are being little terrors and stop, and everyone will live happily ever after...well at least until the next episode. 

This is pretty much how every family works on TV sitcoms. It is what I grew up on, what most of my generation grew up on, and it has, I believe, warped our understanding of the nature of humanity.

See, people can suck. I mean really suck. The number of solo parent families out there would suggest that mum and dad, or partner, or whatever, don't always figure it out. The number of abused kids would suggest that parents don't always like their children. The number of runaways would suggest that kids don't always like their parents.

Because we are broken. Though we all yearn for the love of our family, we live a world where people are broken, where we are broken, and it isn't so easy to reconcile our differences. 

I love my family. Not a day goes by when I don't think about my parents. But I haven't seen or talked to them for two years. We have issues. My brokenness has affected them and their brokenness has affected me. My parents weren't perfect, but neither were they awful and neglectful. We just found that some of our difficulties were too big for us to be able to work through in a way that we both agreed on.

It breaks my heart that things ended up this way between us. I can't tell you how much I would love to pick up the phone and have a nice, happy conversation with my dad.

But that isn't our reality.

Our reality is that things are broken. There are no credits that will role after a family hug. There is no canned laughter that will play when we all realise that we misunderstood each other. There is no being able to run into each others arms in slow motion when we see each other again.

There is love, but it is a love tainted by our issues.

And that is what hit me about the young girls story on Dr. Phil. She had in her head this idea of what she believed was the perfect father-daughter relationship. But it was clear from the program that the father had no intention, or ability, to be this father. She wanted a fantasy instead of accepting the reality, no matter how painful that might be.

My mother-in-law once told me that relationships only work when we lower our expectations of people. We need to stop imagining what we want in someone and accept the reality of what our relationship with them really is. Sometimes it means walking away and letting the relationship go. Sometimes it means having to work damn hard at ourselves and at a relationship, but this is only possible if both parties are willing to try and work at it. And sometimes, in those wonderful moments, it means accepting what is and living in the love that is offered and accepted.

But let me get one thing straight: acceptance and forgiveness are NOT the same as reconciliation. We can accept the reality of a broken relationship. We can even learn to forgive the hurts and the pain that are caused within that relationship. But that does not mean that reconciliation will, or can, happen.

I have forgiven my parents for any hurt, real or imagined, that they caused me. I know this because I am not angry at them any more. For years I was. I was bitter and twisted about every little thing that I remembered them doing (or not doing). It ate me up inside. I would rant and rage against them for hours at a time. We would have screaming matches and things were said that I regret. Things were heard that I have now let go of. I learnt to forgive them and love them as human beings who did their very best to love me as they knew how. I pray for the all the time and hold them very dear in my heart.

But we do not have a relationship. The reasons for that I am choosing not to go into in this forum but I will say that it is because we have been unable to agree upon a 'safe zone' for us to work out our issues. Sometimes relationships need outside help, sometimes it is not emotionally (or even physically) safe to step back into the same situation without boundaries and safety being established first. Sometimes reconciliation doesn't happen. And that is ok.

Forgiveness does also not demand forgetting. The old adage 'forgive and forget' has done so much harm to people in relationships that are toxic. We CANNOT forget. It is impossible to forget. So what we are told to do is sweep our issues under the carpet and pretend they never happened. This leads to cycles of destruction in relationships. Ever wonder why an abused woman goes back to her abuser? Because she chose to ignore past behavior instead of letting it help her determine what will happen in the future. Sometimes the only way to find healing is to leave the environment that perpetuates old behaviors. And sometimes forgiveness cannot happen until we choose to NOT forget what has happened before and instead face it, address it, and, if need be, walk away from it until it changes.

It is ok to learn to forgive and not be reconciled. In a perfect world we could do that, but this isn't a perfect world and we are far from perfect people. We do what we can, we try as hard as possible, and then we have to learn to accept what is. And sometimes what exists is a relationship broken beyond repair. Or one that needs more time to heal.

You can forgive and learn to love without relationship being reestablished.

If you have a difficult relationship with your family members, you are not alone! There are so many of us out there who are longing for the love of parent/sibling/spouse/child. There are so many of us who weep for what we dreamed could have been and for the reality of what is.

We understand. You are not alone. 

My prayers are with all families. They are with every broken person who prays for a miracle and yet despairs that it will never come. They are with every person who misses someone they love because of the brokenness of their relationship.

May God give you peace and may you know God as your parent who loves you and comforts you. May you know Joy.