Ah insomnia.
Such a wonderful motivator for updating my blog.
I can hear Luke in the next room breathing gently, sound asleep in our warm bed, and here I am, in a freezing study, wrapped up in blankets wondering why the heck I am so wired!!
But enough on my sleep patterns, or lack thereof, I have far more interesting tales to keep you addicted to this blog (seriously, I am finding that my ego relies heavily on how many reads I get per post atm. Sad but true!).
My first deep, probing issue that I want to raise with you all is that of injustice.
Light topic for 1am I know.
Luke observed tonight that I have a major issue with injustice and people believing me. At first these too issues don't seem to relate; people not believing me doesn't really seem to be an issue of injustice. But it really is! If I am telling someone the God's honest truth and they flat out refuse to believe me the sense of injustice I feel is overpowering!
It seems like a strange thing to get my knickers in a twist about but there is nothing more frustrating, more hurtful, or more maddening than not being believed.
It was in the course of discussing it with Luke that I began to realise that a lot of these feelings stem from being a child and not being believed. I have memories of the silliest things that still grind me up because in the situation I wasn't believed. I want to pull those memories up in front of those that dismissed me and demand justice, demand that they believe me!
And then I got to thinking (small wonder I am still awake right) that if anyone understands injustice and not being believed it would be Jesus. I mean the dude was nailed to a piece of wood and left to die because people thought he was such a liar.
And he forgave them.
*sigh*
It would be so much easier to live like Christ if he wasn't so freaking good all the time!
So I guess now I have to show grace and mercy and extend forgiveness. Now that I am aware of the issues do I really have any other choice?
All I am really doing by holding on to the anger is swallowing the poison and hoping the people in the wrong will die.
Mercy is about giving to those what they do not deserve and withholding what they do deserve.
They deserve to have their arses kicked.
They don't deserve my forgiveness.
And yet, with God's strength I will try to forgive and perhaps the anger will fade with that.
I really am an angry person. Not nearly as bad as I use to be but I still hold on to a lot of things that hurt or made me angry and it's not until a long time after that I realise I have done that.
I get angry at myself more than anyone else.
Like I found out this week that I will probably need surgery in order to keep losing weight.
Basically my body has slowed down the weight loss so much that I will be 45+ by the time I am a healthy weight, which means health issues and problems if we want children in the near(ish) future.
And so surgery seems to be the way to go according to two unrelated doctors.
I am angry that I let myself get this bad. I have destroyed my body and I didn't even mean to. I can't blame anyone but myself and, though I have lost lots of weight already, it is my body, me, that is stopping me losing weight au-naturale.
It scares me that I am facing such big health issues that surgery seems to be the right way to go.
It worries me that people will think I am lazy and couldn't be bothered trying and so I went with surgery to avoid diet and exercise.
Most of all I felt I have let myself down in such an insurmountable way that I can fix it by myself, and I hate that. I have this huge urge just to ignore the whole thing, throw my hands up in the air and yell "I QUIT" and then spend the rest of my life eating whatever I want, whenever I want, and not caring about the consequences.
But then I talk to Luke about our future plans and I know that that won't fix anything. I can't run away from this, I have to accept that I did this and now this is the way out.
Can't say the list of things that can go wrong in surgery really helps!!
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