Let the People Speak!

Facebook. Love it or hate it, it is here to stay.

And it is changing our lives!

It is changing the way that we think about ourselves, our world and each other.

Before facebook when did you ever think that anyone wanted to know, or een cared, about the amazing meal you had last night, how sick you were feeling, or the new shoes you just got?

When did you consider that hundreds of people that you mostly know only slightly needed to know about your relationship and where it was headed?

We didn't. We told our few close friends and got on with our lives.

Now, if it isn't on facebook then it is almost not official.

EVERYONE wants to know, or at least we think they do, and so we must broadcast our lives, even the mundane and stupid bits.

It is also revolutionising the amount of say that people believe they have in public issues. I have been 'invited' to numerous rallies, projects, protests and petitions all calling for public change and awareness. People are more aware of their environment now and what is happening out there and we want a say! Just as we have a say on everything else through the wonderful world of the 'wall', so too do we now want to express our opinion on other stuff; important stuff!

Theological debates are also entered into by people who would never necessarily shared their faith publically before. People express their disgust or love of religion, they debate with people about their views, and everyone generally tries to evangelise the world with their 'right' thinking.

I confess, I do all of the above, the good and the bad, and though there are many stupid things on fb there are also many great things.

For example, I have been engaged in a conversation (or series of) with a young man who has given up his faith in order to 'think rationally' (his argument not mine). Of course, being me, I just had to, had to, put in my two cents (two dollars, two hundred dollars...) in. At times it has been heated, at others quite funny, and always very deep and searching.

I have loved this. I think anyone who is using their brain and searching for truth is on to something good. But what I have been more blown away with is the response of others.

I have been messaged by people I don't know saying that they are praying for our mutual friend. I have had others, again I don't know, message me to encourage or berate me for my stance. I have had people back up my statements, 'like' them, and challenge me. It is truly a communal disscusion that is occurring that is having an impact on many people around us.

People can't remain quiet in the face of something they believe in being challenged. It is a deeply ingrained part of us that requires us to speak out, yell, scream, or (in the examples seen in this blog) paint.

These pics are from street artists around the world who are commenting on what they see around them in the only way they know how; by painting it on walls.

They are creating a renewable, contemporary commentary of their culture and environment. Like fb they are writing up on a 'wall' what is occurring around them because they cannot be silent. Their humanness cries out to be heard over the devastation and pain that they witness. Like my friend they are writing up in public view what they believe and what they question.

For the same reason that I write this blog, my friend debates faith on fb and these painters put up pictures around their cities, asking the general population to engage in the issue, to think deeply and to reflect on their lives. Their art does what an fb 'invite' does for us.

This world is so messed up. Our relationships with each other and with creation are so out of whack that many of us are lonely while living in cities. Though technology has it's flaws, there are times when I can celebrate what occurs due to our ability to connect with others anywhere, anytime.

There is hope for us yet.

Scam Artist? Christ Saving India

I have recently been contacted by a pastor in India through this blog claiming to be the leader of Christ Saving India (CSI) Ministries. He praised me profusely, calling me a woman of God many times, and has continued to email me with pictures and videos.

The thing is, something is not sitting right with me and I have learnt to listen to my instincts.

So I told him straight up I was suspicious and started on a major mission to find out all I could about this ministry before I decided to support it.

And I found....hardly anything. This is why I am writing this post, so others may have some more hits when they search this ministry. There is a very simple website that gives very little information about the ministry, a facebook page (again, very little info) and some other blogs like mine which have been targeted by this guy and are having discussions on his legitimacy.

I am curious as to why there is so little on a ministry that apparently has 350 churches in India and why the photos he sends to me all show the same people in them if this is the case. I also find is emails very emotionally manipulative as they purposely try to call on my faith in the words, and in the videos they have children holding up signs with my name on it saying "Sister Christine, have mercy on us".

I don't like this, something smells fishy.

But I don't give up easily, particularly when it comes to supporting a potentially misunderstood church that is struggling.

So I asked the guy for a contact that I could talk to. I recieved an email address and had a couple of emails from someone claiming to be his American supporter. Something about the wording put me off though, this guy is apparently an American and yet he sounds like an English-second-language person.

Warning bells are still sounding.

So I talk to the main guy some more, he sends me more pics and videos. I do pray for him but his requests for food, clothing and for me to come to India to see his ministry I cannot possibly follow through with in my economic state.

I also contacted a ministry that I DO know in India and asked them to check into it for me. I am still waiting on a response.

See the thing is it is well known that in India children on the streets can be misused in order to help scammers (anyone see Slumdog Millionaire? Apparently the truth is far worse). I would hate to be supporting a man that is doing that to children. He also (and this may sound weird) is dressed in what appears to be very nice clothing while surrounded by children and people in dirty clothes. Any preacher who puts himself first doesn't get a tick in my book.

BUT he may be legit and I may be way too suspicious but in the world of technology (btw where did a poor preacher in the slums get a video camera and internet access??) how do you know that people are what they say they are? It is easy when you are playing the 'Christ' card to suck people into something that is really NOT about Christ at all.

If you know about this ministry at all and you know if I am right or wrong in my worries then please let me know what you know. Please pray for the children as in any situation that they could be in they need Christ's salvation. And if you too have been targeted on your blog and come across this blog in your search, please comment so others can see how wide spread he is working, what his tactics are and whether you have the same issues as me.

All My Single Ladies

There is an epidemic happening, a plague of biblical proportions.

I watch it with tears in my eyes as it takes victim after victim and there is so little I can do.

But I can warn you, I can bid you to heed my words and maybe a few good people will be saved.

This nightmare, this catastrophe, is call "Stupid Girl" syndrome.

It started in Hollywood with a change from dreaming about being the next woman CEO to wanting to be the next Paris Hilton.

Movies soon followed and soon we were being taught that men LIKE to be treated like crap. "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" was the catch cry and it spread, with horrifying swiftness, out into every corner of the (un)'civilised' world.

I watched in despair as teenager after teenager gave up the desire to find a life long partner and opted instead for quick fixes and quicker relationships.

And now this epidemic has started to affect people who I am close to, my friends and people I love. It affects mainly the men I know and it is time that I had a heart to heart with my fellow women.

Ladies:

There are a few things that you need to know about men.

1. They act tough but as soon as a girl they like is in the picture they become helpless teenage boys who wait for the next text, who don't eat and sleep, and who can cry when a woman treats them like crap.

2. Telling someone that you don't want to go out with them anymore but you 'still want to be friends' is like saying that you are going to stop feeding them but they get to watch you eat as they starve. IT ISN'T SAVING THEM FROM PAIN!!!! It is selfish and mean and you are doing it so you can still have them but they can't have you.

3. You cannot deal with commitment issues if you refuse to ever be committed. It is like playing football but without the ball; it doesn't work! You only work through stuff when you aren't so afraid of it that you run away. It's not the boy's issue, it's yours so suck it up and deal with it.

4. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, spending the majority of time with the same guy and sharing your most personal, intimate thoughts with them (you can have all or one or any combination of these) means you are in a relationship! Telling him that you aren't but acting this way is the most misleading, confusing thing ever! You are lying to yourself and you are lying to him. If you don't wanna stop that stuff then call it what it is, not doing so is just keeping a single man at your beck and call and that is awful!

5. If you would go mental if he saw someone else then stop stringing him along and stake your claim! If you aren't dating him then he is single and can do what he likes so stop treating him like your boyfriend.

I am tired girls. I am tried of watching silly girls purposely or naievely play men and secretly enjoy it. I am tired of hearing girls talk about the issues that they are having with a 'friend' when the issue is is that they treat him as something much more. And I am so so so tired of watching my male friend's lives fall apart because of  a girl flip flopping all over the place and leaving him confused, stressed and upset.

If this is you, if you are one of those girls, then stop it! Either stop being scared and tell it how it is or walk away and let the man bleed, cry and then heal and move on. Stop pulling the scab off because you are too afraid of living without him. If you can't live without him then freaking be with him already!

Please, please stop this madness. Please stop hurting the people you claim to love. Stop leaving people in limbo. Fear is the opposite of love; if you love him stop being afraid of being with him.

Now if you are a guy and some girl is putting you in a crazy situation (and I know you are out there) feel free to share this with her, or get a mate to anonymously send to her or something. Or, alternatively, tell her this yourself! Tell her how it is hurting you. Tell her she is being selfish. Tell her that you need to know where you stand or you need to walk away and for her to respect that. It will hurt but in the long run it may well be worth it.

Ok, rant over, as you were.

Love is a Battlefield

Love

L'amour.

The language of the French, music and poetry.

Nothing is quite like it for raising us up to soaring heights and making us want to dance and sing and laugh all the while with our cheeks aching from a smile we cannot hide.

I remember the first time that Luke and I held hands; the beating of my heart filled my ears, my face burnt from the blood rushing to the surface, my breath was shallow and sharp and my hands shook.

The first time we kissed was even more nerve racking, more exhilirating, more petrifying than merely holding hands. I, a full grown adult, felt like a nervous teenager.

Those memories are seared into my mind and bring a smile to my face every time I recall them.

But that isn't love, that is falling in love. And as much as I sometimes miss the thrill and newness of it all, at the same time I wouldn't give it up for the depth of relationship I have with him now.

I have learnt more about him now. I have argued with him and had to share my space with him. I have been frustrated by him, annoyed by him, teased by him, and disagreed with him. None of these things happened at the beginning. I would have been too scared to argue vehemently with him when our relationship was so new in case he decided he didn't really like me. Not the case now! And I will continue to learn more about him over the years and our love for each other will change and grow.

I have a few friends that are struggling in relationships right now. They are confused, not sleeping, not eating, and anxious. Or the a deliriously happy, not sleeping, not eating, and anxious. (Funny how the symptoms at the beginning for depression and falling in love are the same!!!).

I know people who want to give up and walk away from whatever they have, at whatever stage of the relationship that they are in, because it is too hard, it takes too much of a toll, it causes too much pain.

And I get it! As a remarried divorcee at 27 I really do understand that sometimes you need to walk away, sometimes things are too hard or too painful or too dangerous and, despite the grief it causes, it is better to call it quits than to fight for something that doesn't or shouldn't exist.

BUT (and here is the tricky bit) if we were to love someone, I mean not fall in love but really love, then what would that look like? How long do we hang on for? What would we do when it hurts?

First of all we can look at the example God sets us (if you're that way inclined) and we see that the love displayed throughout the pages of history is from a God who doesn't give in, give up, or give away the object of desire.

This is a God that is hurt over and over, abandoned, rejected, killed(!) and doesn't ever stop loving the people who have committed these crimes.

That is one freaking tough God. Also slightly crazy perhaps??

Joking, joking, please don't lynch me.

But perhaps we need a more...human example. So let's go with Jesus.

Um, hang on, does Jesus even have a love interest?

Well, according to some 'theories', that are largely discredited by historical theologians, Mary Magdalene and Jesus had a little thing going. But there is nothing in the Scriptures that tells us how Jesus dealt with rejection, falling in love, arguments, divorce etc. In fact we don't really think of Jesus much as a red-blooded, sexual being.

Yet he was.

At some point he was hitting puberty and all the hormones that come with that. He must have at least had a crush!

And at 33 when he died most young men his age would be married and have families.I wonder if he missed that, if he longed for physical touch from a woman, if he found it difficult to be celibate.

Because wanting a partner that you share everything with, physically and emotionally, is not 'ungodly', it is human and beautiful and special. And I bet that Jesus longed for it even though he put his calling above all else.

But if he did get married, or fell in love, how would he have acted?

Would he have acted like God did with Israel and, no matter what, pursue, win over and forgive his woman?

Would he have been like Hosea, who married the prostitute Gomer, and married someone who was wild and uncontrollable?

Or would he have married the 'good little Jewish woman' who was loyal and strong in her faith, and never caused any problems?

See God tends to reach out to very broken people so would Jesus have fallen in love with someone who caused problems for him?

Honestly, I have no idea! No clue whatsoever. But the point is that perhaps we get too hung up on what our relationship is 'suppose to be' that we miss out on what it is.

Perhaps we have too much of an idea of what a 'good Christian marriage' is suppose to look like that we miss out on what God's idea of love looks like.

Perhaps we need to stop with our lists of the 'perfect husband/wife' that would suit you, and rather see that everyone is messed up, everyone is broken (including you!!!) and relationships aren't suppose to be about what they can give you anyway!!

Maybe we need to stop worrying about how people think and feel about the person we love due to their age, status, employment, education, and instead start looking at things like your mutual walk with God, their ability to be a good parent, their loyalty and commitment.

I never thought I would marry someone 7 years younger than me. I never wanted a man with facial hair (Luke, because you are reading this, I have grown to love the beard!). I didn't want someone who was a muscian and didn't care about essays too much. I didn't want a husband who my family would reject because he didn't 'fit' their mold.

What I did want, and what I got, was someone who loves me and loves to be with me. Who makes me laugh and who treasures me. Someone who I know would fight to the death for me. Someone who will challenge me in my thinking and will support my faith. Someone who would love our children unconditionally and who accepts the crazy, needy side that I sometimes show.

I wanted someone who showed the love of God to me through our relationship.

If you are struggling right now, if you are thinking about breaking up with your partner, or maybe you don't know if you should be in a relationship with them in the first place, then ask yourself what you are running from and what you are running to?

Are you running from a bad, destructive, violent relationship? Then GO!!!! But if it is a good relationship but you don't 'feel' the same any more, where does your commitment and 'stinking it out'-ness come into it?

Are you running to an unattainable dream that actually no person fits into? Then you are the problem not them. But if you are running from a relationship that doesn't honour God (or whatever your faith/morals are) then maybe it is time to go.

I don't believe in 'the one'. I believe we make someone the one, we decide to commit to them and only them and that our love for them makes them our 'one'. Before you give up, figure out if you are giving up on the relationship as it stands or on the dream that you have of a reality that doesn't, and may never, exist.

These things aren't easy and if you are in one of these situations I feel for you and pray for you.

Bit in your pain remember that no one is perfect, communication is essential, and love isn't just a gooey feeling.

You KNOW you wanted more...

So I was trawling through other blogs the other day, as you do, and I found this fun one where you get to learn more about the author.

I thought "hey, why not? More of me can't be a bad thing right?"

So here you go;

THINGS YOU NEVER NECESSARILY WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ME!!!

1. I have three major fears; getting burned to death in a fire, clowns and escalators. I am not joking, I am actually terrified of all three but the last one I have learned to manage as it is kind of unavoidable. They all scare the bejeezus outta me and I am not really sure why!

2. If I could tell my 16 year old self anything it would be that she is beautiful and worth loving. That and stop worrying about food! You are as skinny as a freaking rake!

3. 5 things that make me most happy right now; Luke meeting me at the bus stop every night after work, getting to talk to Luke about deep and meaningful stuff just before we sleep, playing Kinnect with my friend Melissa, reading a good book, listening to good music.

4. My dream job is one where I could meld helping people, particularly messed up teenagers, with preaching and lecturing and some counselling and mental health work...wait, I want to be a pastor!

5. 10 people who have influenced me through out my life are as follows:

Jesus - his life is one I want that inspires anyone!

Mother Theresa - actually wanted to be her as a child.

Jenny Shipley - for being the first woman PM in NZ

Nelson Mandela - for his forgiveness and love in a place of anger

Christine Sorenson - a family friend who was a missionary in Pakistan for years.

My Great Aunt Eileen - an amazing woman who was always happy and positive.

Rod Thompson - Principal of Laidlaw and my friend and mentor

Will Taylor - a youth pastor and nurse who helped me get sober

My 7th Form History teacher, Mr Milton - pushed me to excel and saw my potential

My Mother - for better or worse, a girl's greatest influence is always her mum.

6. 10 things that really grind my gears:

People using 'aks' instead of 'ask'

Using 'pacific' instead of 'specific'

Using 'preformance' instead of 'performance'

Really any incorrect use of the English language!

Luke pulling all the blankets off me when I am trying to sleep!

People asking for advice, ignoring it, then three days later saying it was their idea.

My computer freezing...I mean come on!

Stupid, idiotic, circular arguments that go nowhere.

Tights ripping when you are out somewhere and can't change them.

People who talk only about themselves (haha funny for a blog writer to say :P)

7. 5 weaknesses of mine are:

I am proud and don't like to be proved wrong.

I am overly sensitive to criticism.

I give criticism too quickly.

I can be too direct to the point of being brutal.

I over think and over analyse everything!

8. 5 strengths I think I have are:

I am compassionate and loving to everyone.

I will drop everything in a heartbeat for someone who needs my help.

I am generous with everything I own.

I am strong in my faith and my defense of it.

I love with all I am even when I have been hurt.

9. I think people most misunderstand my intentions when I am trying to tell them something. Because I am so direct when I say things it can come across as me being harsh or saying something mean when I am actually really wanting to help and love the person. It kills me when I think people have misunderstood my intentions and think that I am angry at them or upset with them when 99.9% of the time I am trying really hard to love them.

10. 10 things I hope I am remembered for:

My love for others

My faith

My defense of my faith

My strong ethical stances.

My hope in God.

My ability to forgive what has happened in my life.

My wacky sense of humour

My laugh

My friendship with everyone

My loving marriage with Luke.

A Good Christian Never Doubts?

Doubting.

Let' face it, we all do it, about everything!

I doubt that anyone will actually read this.

I doubt that the weather forecast for tomorrow is actually correct.

I doubt many things.

And one of the things I doubt the most is...

...God.

That's right people, I said it. I, a Christian who would argue and die for her faith (you may doubt that!) actually doubts God.

Sometimes I doubt that God hears my prayers. It happens when I am really needing God to listen and yet I feel that the prayers I send up are probably being ignored.

I can even doubt the very existence of God! I mean, come on, it's not like I have seen with my own eyes any attribute of God.

I am like doubting Thomas some days; the disciple that wouldn't believe that Jesus was raised from the dead before he had touched Jesus' body with his own hands. Fair call too! If you went and told me that some dude has just come walking out of a grave I might have a hard time believing it too without some physical proof.

At the moment I know I am doubting God.

You see, it doesn't come across as doubt all the time. Most of the time, for me anyway, it comes across as fear.

Lemme explain.

I quit my job the other week. I was put in an impossible situation where on one hand I was being asked to show no compassion and empathy in a situation that called for it or I was to lie to my employer about how I had acted.

Rock, meet Hard Place.

And so, without any clue as to where I was going to end up, where I was going to work, and being the sole bread winner of our small family, I handed in my notice.

I did it believing that I was following what I knew to be the Gospel. I knew in my heart that I could not do either of what was being asked of me without seriously compromising my beliefs and ethics. I believed that God would honour that and would provide for me and Luke.

That was two weeks ago.

I have three weeks left in my notice period and I still have no job. To make matters worse work is now becoming unbearable as attitudes towards me have changed drastically. This is causing so much stress that I have come down with migraines and had to take time off work for which I am ineligible for pay and so we aren't even saving that much in my weeks left.

In short, I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life!

Gone is my belief that God will catch us! Gone is my sense of dignity and morality! Out the door with any peace of mind!

I am doubting that I did the right thing, that I will come out of this ok, and to top it off, I am afraid that I have just made our lives unlivable in the near future due to my actions.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier if I didn't have a faith, if I just, as Buddha puts it, "found my own light" and went with what was easy for me because if I did that I really wouldn't be facing not having any income of any sort because of my own faith!

Dear God, what have I done!!!

*Big Breath*

Sometimes 

Ok, so slight freak out happening over here. It would really be so much easier if Jesus himself turned up and told me which jobs to apply for. Or at least showed up at prospective employers offices and told them that they really really need to hire me!

It is fear, fear of the unknown and the unknowable, that causes me to doubt. 

And that makes me angry...at me!

2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that God has not given us a Spirit of fear, but one of power, of love and a soundness of mind. I have lived by these words for many years and I am not about to give up on them now.

See it wasn't in fear that I quit.

It was with the power of knowing what was right and what was wrong that I handed in my notice.

It was my love for the people I work with and for that I refused to do what was asked of me.

It was my love for God that made me stand firm to my beliefs.

Now I am just waiting for the soundness of mind!

Just jokes, it was with a great sense of peace that I handed in my notice, knowing that I had acted in an honourable and Gospel way.

The fear I feel now is not from God. It is my own low self worth that tells me that I am not good enough, that God does not hear me and that Jesus does not care for me.

I don't have the luxury, as Thomas did, of demanding to touch Jesus with my bare hands.

But I do know the Truth, sometimes I just need reminding.

The Saga Continues...

New update on the weight loss saga that is my life.

To be totally honest I have lost all motivation to do anything regarding weight loss and here is why:

I have been told by the doc that I need surgery to help me lose weight. 

I was like "why, can't I just do some crazy diet and exercise and do it myself??"

And she told me the most depressing news I have had in a long time.

Basically I have lost in the past the equivalent to a fully grown human being (70 kilos). My body has responded by saying "holy crap! This woman must be starving and about to die if she has lost that much weight! We must rally the fat cell troops and make sure that she survives!"

So Commander Brain then sent out a memo to the Fat Battalion with this message: "Troops, we have an emergency on our hands. Our beloved leader is dying and we must save her or die trying. To do this no fat is to surrender! No one is to break ranks and desert, no one must fall! Hold fast fat, or we are all going to die."

No one apparently gave my brain the message that the battalion was already so big that it really wouldn't be a problem if a few more were killed off.

So my body, for the sake of saving me is actually refusing to lose weight.

My plan to lose 40 kilos to get below 100 will actually take about 15 years to lose if I do over an hour hard out exercise a day, stay on a diet, and my metabolism doesn't drop.

The fact that I will be getting older in this 15 years means that my metabolism will drop, that exercise will become harder to do, and food will have to be more and more restricted.

In other words, I will be living to lose weight rather than losing weight helping me to live. 

If body stays exactly the same with no changes at all I will still be 45 before I am below 100.

And there is nothing, not a damn thing, that I can do about it!

My body is trying to save me, it doesn't realise that it is actually killing me faster. And there are no medications or diets or anything that will convince my brain that I am not dying.

So surgery it is...but....

Every year 100 surgeries for obesity are given out for free to people who fall into a certain category (you have to be suffering from diabetes or sleep apnea (I am the second), be within a certain age range, and show a determination to lose weight). 

Fortunately I am a perfect candidate. 

Unfortunately there are 100 applications a month for the 100 that are done a year.

So the chances of me getting in are pretty slim (excuse the pun).

And if I don't get the surgery, I may never shift the weight.

And that my friends depresses me more than you can imagine.

It means that every time I eat out with people I am going to be worried that they are judging me and wondering why I am not on a diet. 

It means that I will never be able to go shopping in certain stores and, frankly, every designer seems to be convinced that big New Zealand women actually want to dress in shapeless sacks or spend their entire life savings on one dress!

It means that I will face more and more health problems as I get older.

It means that, if Luke and I decide to have children, I will face infertility problems.

I means that I will never be able to dress up in a sexy little dress that makes Luke's jaw drop and wow everyone I know.

It means I will always hate looking in the mirror.

It means that I will always worry about Luke not finding me attractive (though he will tell me off for saying that as soon as he reads this!)

It means that I will feel like everyone thinks I am fat because I am lazy and I will be forever explaining myself.

And this is the reality I am facing. And really, what is the point of exercising so hard that you almost vomit if it is not going to do a damn thing anyway?

So next time you see a very big person, instead of thinking that they are lazy or sad or don't try hard enough, or you pity them, instead think of what I have been through, and ask yourself 'what has that person been through that they are now like that?'

Next time you see a TV programme where the only fat person is the idiot, the lazy one, the single one or the ugly one, don't laugh.

Big people already have a hard enough life, don't add to it by judging.