The Saga Continues...

New update on the weight loss saga that is my life.

To be totally honest I have lost all motivation to do anything regarding weight loss and here is why:

I have been told by the doc that I need surgery to help me lose weight. 

I was like "why, can't I just do some crazy diet and exercise and do it myself??"

And she told me the most depressing news I have had in a long time.

Basically I have lost in the past the equivalent to a fully grown human being (70 kilos). My body has responded by saying "holy crap! This woman must be starving and about to die if she has lost that much weight! We must rally the fat cell troops and make sure that she survives!"

So Commander Brain then sent out a memo to the Fat Battalion with this message: "Troops, we have an emergency on our hands. Our beloved leader is dying and we must save her or die trying. To do this no fat is to surrender! No one is to break ranks and desert, no one must fall! Hold fast fat, or we are all going to die."

No one apparently gave my brain the message that the battalion was already so big that it really wouldn't be a problem if a few more were killed off.

So my body, for the sake of saving me is actually refusing to lose weight.

My plan to lose 40 kilos to get below 100 will actually take about 15 years to lose if I do over an hour hard out exercise a day, stay on a diet, and my metabolism doesn't drop.

The fact that I will be getting older in this 15 years means that my metabolism will drop, that exercise will become harder to do, and food will have to be more and more restricted.

In other words, I will be living to lose weight rather than losing weight helping me to live. 

If body stays exactly the same with no changes at all I will still be 45 before I am below 100.

And there is nothing, not a damn thing, that I can do about it!

My body is trying to save me, it doesn't realise that it is actually killing me faster. And there are no medications or diets or anything that will convince my brain that I am not dying.

So surgery it is...but....

Every year 100 surgeries for obesity are given out for free to people who fall into a certain category (you have to be suffering from diabetes or sleep apnea (I am the second), be within a certain age range, and show a determination to lose weight). 

Fortunately I am a perfect candidate. 

Unfortunately there are 100 applications a month for the 100 that are done a year.

So the chances of me getting in are pretty slim (excuse the pun).

And if I don't get the surgery, I may never shift the weight.

And that my friends depresses me more than you can imagine.

It means that every time I eat out with people I am going to be worried that they are judging me and wondering why I am not on a diet. 

It means that I will never be able to go shopping in certain stores and, frankly, every designer seems to be convinced that big New Zealand women actually want to dress in shapeless sacks or spend their entire life savings on one dress!

It means that I will face more and more health problems as I get older.

It means that, if Luke and I decide to have children, I will face infertility problems.

I means that I will never be able to dress up in a sexy little dress that makes Luke's jaw drop and wow everyone I know.

It means I will always hate looking in the mirror.

It means that I will always worry about Luke not finding me attractive (though he will tell me off for saying that as soon as he reads this!)

It means that I will feel like everyone thinks I am fat because I am lazy and I will be forever explaining myself.

And this is the reality I am facing. And really, what is the point of exercising so hard that you almost vomit if it is not going to do a damn thing anyway?

So next time you see a very big person, instead of thinking that they are lazy or sad or don't try hard enough, or you pity them, instead think of what I have been through, and ask yourself 'what has that person been through that they are now like that?'

Next time you see a TV programme where the only fat person is the idiot, the lazy one, the single one or the ugly one, don't laugh.

Big people already have a hard enough life, don't add to it by judging.