A Good Christian Never Doubts?

Doubting.

Let' face it, we all do it, about everything!

I doubt that anyone will actually read this.

I doubt that the weather forecast for tomorrow is actually correct.

I doubt many things.

And one of the things I doubt the most is...

...God.

That's right people, I said it. I, a Christian who would argue and die for her faith (you may doubt that!) actually doubts God.

Sometimes I doubt that God hears my prayers. It happens when I am really needing God to listen and yet I feel that the prayers I send up are probably being ignored.

I can even doubt the very existence of God! I mean, come on, it's not like I have seen with my own eyes any attribute of God.

I am like doubting Thomas some days; the disciple that wouldn't believe that Jesus was raised from the dead before he had touched Jesus' body with his own hands. Fair call too! If you went and told me that some dude has just come walking out of a grave I might have a hard time believing it too without some physical proof.

At the moment I know I am doubting God.

You see, it doesn't come across as doubt all the time. Most of the time, for me anyway, it comes across as fear.

Lemme explain.

I quit my job the other week. I was put in an impossible situation where on one hand I was being asked to show no compassion and empathy in a situation that called for it or I was to lie to my employer about how I had acted.

Rock, meet Hard Place.

And so, without any clue as to where I was going to end up, where I was going to work, and being the sole bread winner of our small family, I handed in my notice.

I did it believing that I was following what I knew to be the Gospel. I knew in my heart that I could not do either of what was being asked of me without seriously compromising my beliefs and ethics. I believed that God would honour that and would provide for me and Luke.

That was two weeks ago.

I have three weeks left in my notice period and I still have no job. To make matters worse work is now becoming unbearable as attitudes towards me have changed drastically. This is causing so much stress that I have come down with migraines and had to take time off work for which I am ineligible for pay and so we aren't even saving that much in my weeks left.

In short, I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life!

Gone is my belief that God will catch us! Gone is my sense of dignity and morality! Out the door with any peace of mind!

I am doubting that I did the right thing, that I will come out of this ok, and to top it off, I am afraid that I have just made our lives unlivable in the near future due to my actions.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier if I didn't have a faith, if I just, as Buddha puts it, "found my own light" and went with what was easy for me because if I did that I really wouldn't be facing not having any income of any sort because of my own faith!

Dear God, what have I done!!!

*Big Breath*

Sometimes 

Ok, so slight freak out happening over here. It would really be so much easier if Jesus himself turned up and told me which jobs to apply for. Or at least showed up at prospective employers offices and told them that they really really need to hire me!

It is fear, fear of the unknown and the unknowable, that causes me to doubt. 

And that makes me angry...at me!

2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that God has not given us a Spirit of fear, but one of power, of love and a soundness of mind. I have lived by these words for many years and I am not about to give up on them now.

See it wasn't in fear that I quit.

It was with the power of knowing what was right and what was wrong that I handed in my notice.

It was my love for the people I work with and for that I refused to do what was asked of me.

It was my love for God that made me stand firm to my beliefs.

Now I am just waiting for the soundness of mind!

Just jokes, it was with a great sense of peace that I handed in my notice, knowing that I had acted in an honourable and Gospel way.

The fear I feel now is not from God. It is my own low self worth that tells me that I am not good enough, that God does not hear me and that Jesus does not care for me.

I don't have the luxury, as Thomas did, of demanding to touch Jesus with my bare hands.

But I do know the Truth, sometimes I just need reminding.