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Friday, October 5, 2012

How Far is TOO Far?

Sex toys.

Now it's out there you can stop reading if you like because this is the next segment on what is rapidly turning into my series on sex!

I said in my blog S-E-X that for Christians who grow up in the church, we are often told that before marriage sex consists of "don't do it" and after marriage it is "feel free". There are no other guidelines to that. You don't find many people who will put up their hands in a sermon and say "my husband and I are interested in using sex toys to enhance our bedroom experience. What does the Bible have to say on alternative sexual experiences within marriage?"

If someone asked that in my church I am not sure if I would fall of my chair or die laughing! Think of the ministers face!!!!


And how many parents do you know that would sit down and talk about the pros and cons of sex toys in a loving relationship when they were having the 'sex talk' with their kids?

Reality is though that there are many 'sexual enhancers' on the market today and they have become a well accepted part of sex in many circles. It is almost a given with some of my friends that every woman has a vibrator and most couples, if not all, have at least tried a little bondage.

I kid you not.

Think of TV programmes. FRIENDS has an episode where Monica buys Chandler porn and is considered the best wife ever because she wants to watch it with him. Sex and the City has a whole episode dedicated to the vibrator. In fact there is a movie coming out called Hysteria that is about the invention of the vibrator!!

And if you go to this website, it is a christian website for conservative christian couples who want a sexual 'boost'. This is how they describe their website:

 "Welcome to Covenant Spice! We are a Christian sex toy shop and romance site for married couples, offering high quality, feature-packed products that enhance lovemaking — at unbelievably low prices. Our goal from our inception has been to offer Christian sexual aids that help foster intimacy and strengthen relationships within the bonds of a healthy marriage."

(Random aside: what classfies a sex toy as 'Christian' as opposed to non-Christian? Have they been specially blessed and baptised?)

Sex and exploration go hand in hand now. It is not looked down on if you go to Peaches N Cream or Erox stores to buy some bedroom games. Bridal showers are usually inundated with them and, if you are having 'problems' in the bedroom area, advertising would tell you that there are battery powered toys out there to help with that.

Now I want to be straight up, per usual, and say that my marriage has not gone down that path as we have enough fun in that department as is haha. But it is a subject we brought up with our premarital counsellors and that we have had discussions with with our couple friends.

Sometimes I do wonder what are in those stores and what they would 'do'. Are they all they cracked up to be?

But me being me, I started thinking about sex toys in the light of God's grace, love for humanity, and biblical teachings. 

Let me state that the Bible is not just filled with good little 'Christian' types who only use the missionary position. It is filled, from cover to cover, with prostitutes, scandalous women, and women who use their sexual prowess to get men to do what they want. We have Esther who pleased her man so much in the bedroom that he made her Queen (no boring sex in that relationship)! Ruth made a man think that he had slept with her to make him marry her. Rachel and Leah were constantly in a sexual showdown to win the affection of their shared husband.

Don't even get me started on Song of Songs! Translating that from the Hebrew into English made me blush!

God is no stranger to the sexuality of the created humanity. In fact, it was God that made it so flipping amazing (and to those who are hanging out for marriage, yes it is as good as everyone says and sorry for making you jealous haha). God wants us to enjoy each other.

But not in a destructive way.

God wants us to be fully alive in Christ and with each other. This includes sex. If we are abusing sex we are not fully alive with it. If we use it unthinkingly, dangerously, or unlovingly, we are selling ourselves horrendously short.

This applies to sex toys.

Our premarital counsellors answered our questions on sex toys in a very, very good way.

They said that anything that causes degradation or pain to another is to be counted out. If you would feel ashamed in the morning then don't do it. But otherwise have fun!

So if you are thinking about spicing up things in the bedroom with some fun adult paraphernalia then ask yourselves the following questions:

1) is this going to cause physical pain?

A lot of sexual enhancers these days are pain based. Some people are really aroused by pain but I think that this is a distortion on sex and shouldn't be aggressively pursued. Any harm that is caused to another human being is not loving and should not be part of a loving sexual relationship.

2) Will this degrade me, my partner, or anyone else?

This counts out porn automatically. You both may find it a huge stimulus but it is inherently degrading to those who are in the video and, by association, the people who watch it. If you are aroused by porn perhaps as a couple you should be asking why that is rather than pursuing it. It also means that you are constantly asking your partner if what you are doing is ok, if they feel ok, and asking yourself if you are feeling emotionally safe too. Keep clued into each other and don't just go for pleasuring yourself.

3) Will I regret this in the morning?

If you can't look your partner in the eye the next morning then you have both done something VERY wrong. Sex is meant to enhance a loving relationship, not destroy it, and if you are embarrassed or ashamed the next day then it is going to kill any future sexual experiences that you may have.

I would also add that, if after discussion with your partner (DON'T surprise them with a sex toy if you don't know their feelings on it!!!), you decide to purchase one then do your research. There are no standards for sex toys on materials that they are or are not allowed to use and cheap, nasty ones can be filled with toxic chemicals that can cause TSS (toxic shock syndrome) in a woman as the chemicals pass through the sesitive vaginal walls. There are also reported cases of batteries giving electric shocks. It may sound funny but in the moment it really wouldn't be. You do NOT want to end up in hospital trying to explain that one!

So research (there are sites out there that give you info, but be careful about links you click!) and listen to each other and be aware at all times of your motivation and, after the sex buzz wears off, what you will feel like afterwards.

Celebrate your sexuality and the love that you have for each other.

Go have fun!


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